Man's Army
by Epic Laughter
Summary: A new guy comes to town and optimizes the attention of all the Village women! Needless to say, the men aren't too pleased...
1. Author's Note

Author's Note-

This story was written as a collaborative piece with my beta reader, Lizzie, so I can't take all of the credit for it.

While we're here, I'll write some brief bios for her and my OCs so you aren't totally lost on the occasions where they appear.

Avalon-A professional gardener who is the older sister Yoto never had. She's tough, strong, and very wealthy. She has a strong British accent and runs the races.

Leena-A new gardener who's having quite a bit of trouble getting used to her profession. She's easily flustered and disorganized, but her heart is in the right place. She's extremely shy until you get to know her.

Yoto Yoa-Bart's hyperactive nephew and apprentice. He's a type of person that you either love or you despise, but you can't be indifferent to him. He has a mischievous sense of humor and an alarmingly low IQ. Though he's in training to become a Transmorgrifiable Item Technician, his skills at tinkering are utterly disgraceful.


	2. Someone New

Something was wrong with Leena.

Seedos had come into her garden to inspect her plants, but he couldn't help noticing that she had been patting the soil around that same poppy for about ten minutes now.

Seedos took a deep breath and approached Leena, his hands clasped behind his back.

"Leena…" he spoke softly, but Leena seemed startled to hear his voice anyway. "Is something bothering you?"

"No, no, Seedos, nothing's _bothering_ me!" Leena's voice adopted a forced-sounding cheeriness. "I just…have a lot on my mind! Yeah, that's it!" She wouldn't make eye contact with Seedos, instead staring into the face of the poppy she was hovering over.

"Leena, keeping whatever's bugging you bottled up won't do you any good," Seedos crouched next to her and tilted his oversized head to the side.

Leena slouched in defeat and gave Seedos an aside glance. "Okay…fine…"

Seedos smiled victoriously and settled down onto the grass.

"There's…there's someone new in town…" Leena scooted around a bit so she was facing Seedos, but she looked off into the distance, a faraway look in her eyes and a rosiness on her cheeks.

"Someone new? Really?" Seedos blinked his buggy eyes. He didn't get out much so he hadn't seen nor heard of this new person.

"Yes!" Leena nodded and began fiddling with a lock of her frizzy hair. "He's a really famous actor and he decided to move to a quiet town to get away from it all! I-I haven't…um…met him yet, but I'm a big fan of him and a lot of the other girls are talking about how nice he is, but I'm still kind of nervous about meeting him…"

"An…actor, huh?" Something about the look in Leena's eyes was making Seedos feel kind of weird, but he thought nothing of it. "What was he in?" Seedos asked even if he was pretty sure he wouldn't have heard of any of the movies. He wasn't exactly well-versed in media.

Leena's eyes glazed over like big blue donuts. "He was in Barefaced Confessions, Edward Stickhands, and he was the villain in James Pond: Goldflipper, just to name a few! Fannie showed me some of his romance movies one day and I was _hooked!_ I just recently finished watching them all!" Leena sighed. "I wonder if he's as charming in person as he is in his films…"

Now Seedos was feeling _REALLY_ weird. "I bet you're too intimidated to approach him though, right? I mean, he's famous…" Seedos dug his fingers into the dirt in an attempt to distract himself from the strange pain in his chest.

"O-oh no, I'm actually really excited…" Leena's cheeks turned pink. "The other girls said he's nice, so he won't be…um…mean or anything. I don't think he is…if he was, how would he get so much acting work?"

"Oh…" was all Seedos could say. Seedos had seen that look on Leena's face before. It was the look she wore whenever he went onstage at the P-Factor, whenever he complimented her on her plants, whenever he was within her line of sight…

Seedos went quiet and gnawed on his thumbnail. Leena wasn't his to lose, but she had liked him ever since shortly after she arrived on Piñata Island! Even if Seedos had no idea how to act upon Leena's feelings, he _really_ didn't like the idea of being replaced…

"Oh!" Seedos said suddenly as he raised his head to look up at the sun. "Look at the time! I should…eat or something, I'm going to the Village, bye!" Seedos hitched up his backpack and rose to his feet.

"Wait, can I go with-" Leena called after him, but he was already gone.


	3. The Man's Army

Seedos stormed through the village like a toddler through a teashop. He hadn't realized quite what something this small would do to his heart. Yes, Leena wasn't his but _still_! She was _all but his_. And the look she had - that was the look she was supposed to give _him_! He felt his heart slowly crumble. The farther he stormed from Leena, the keener the pain in his chest became, but at this point he just wanted to be alone with his thoughts. If he ever ran into this guy, he'd certainly give him a piece of his mind…

"Woah there!" Eddie Lizard suddenly appeared in front of Seedos. He grabbed the seed merchant's shoulders and guided him to a stop. "Seedos, you're not looking too good today-"

"Yeah?" Seedos cut in, and surprised himself with the sharpness of his tone.

"Wait, wait, wait," Eddie flustered his hands around. "Let me guess. The new guy?" Seedos saw Eddie sneer for the very first time.

Seedos felt his heart jump, "Lucky guess," He grumbled, and made as if to keep going on his warpath.

"Hold on a moment, Seedos," Eddie jumped in front of Seedos shook his shoulders a bit. "_Listen to me_, you're absolutely _perfect_ for this group I'm getting together!"

Seedos gave Eddie a pointedly uninterested stare.

Eddie took this as the ideal chance to launch into a monologue. "You see, Seedos, you're not the only one who's been thrown off-kilter by the guy. Even _I_," Eddie placed a hand on his chest and blinked away a tear, "Have been insulted by this man. Seedos, it seems every woman in this village has fallen for this Alejandro. It doesn't surprise me that your little Leena has been enchanted by him; why, just this morning I saw Avalon Pendragonache laughing with him. Avalon. _Laughing_!" Eddie's voice bordered on shrill.

Seedos blinked his large eyes and said, "Oh."

"I've been chatting with a few other fellows through Alert," Eddie said as he pulled something out of his back pocket and presented it to Seedos. "And we're going to have a meeting at Arfur's bright and early tomorrow morning to discuss this delicate matter. I'd love it if you could come!"

Seedos carefully unfolded Eddie's flyer and skimmed it. Eddie's flowery script announced:

_**MAN'S ARMY**_

_**ARFUR'S INN**_

_**8:30 AM SHARP**_

Seedos rather liked the quick little doodle of the man at the bottom with a giant red X scrawled over his face.

He pondered this for a few moments before folding the paper and handing it back to Eddie. Eddie hesitantly returned it to his pocket and searched Seedos' blank face for any sort of encouragement. Seedos' mask split into a delighted grin.

"Of course I'll come!" Seedos grabbed Eddie's hand and shook it vigorously. "This is a fantastic idea, Eddie!"

Eddie flashed Seedos a flawless smile and sighed in relief. "We'll be pleased as punch to have you there, Seedos. I've already gotten Patch and Sparcticus confirmed, but I'm sure there'll be plenty more angry men at Arfur's tomorrow morning. Invite people if you can! In fact, here, take this with you," Eddie said as he gave Seedos the flyer. "Just don't let any of the ladies know, OK? I can only imagine how _angry_ some of them would be if they knew," Eddie shuddered.

"Oh, of course!" Seedos tucked the flyer into the side pocket of his humongous backpack. "The more the merrier, right?" He said, giving Eddie an expectant grin.

"_Exactly_!" Eddie said as he straightened up and tugged at his suspenders. "Now, I'm off to spread the word. Remember, 8:30 AM sharp!" Eddie gave Seedos a little wave before noodling off towards the post office.

Seedos stood in place for a few minutes as he played with the straps of his backpack. His mind went to one man when Eddie told him to invite others.

His brother.


	4. Seedos' Request

It was a very chilly night, but Seedos was too set on his goal to even notice or care. He looked at the ground as he usually did when he looked for seeds, trying to not look suspicious. As he slowly walked towards the twisted oak tree on the edge of the desert, he'd occasionally raise his head and look around. It was horribly inconvenient that Leafos lived so close by; if she saw Seedos sneaking into Dastardos' house, it wouldn't end well.

Seedos finally reached the rotting tree that Dastardos called home. He leaned against it and took another look around. When he saw that the coast was clear, he inhaled a sharp breath and parted the curtains.

"Dastardos? Are you-" Before Seedos could say "home," his question was answered. Dastardos was lying down on his couch, half-dozing with Magnar curled up on his chest. Dastardos opened one eye and half-glared at him when Seedos entered.

"This better be important, Seedos. Don't you remember what I told you?" he groused.

"Don't bother you unless it's an emergency, I know," Seedos took a few tentative steps into Dastardos' house, carefully stepping over his brother's discarded mask in the process. "This _is_ important, though! I _really _need your help!" Seedos practically pouted.

"That face won't work on me," Dastardos grimaced as he threw an arm over his eyes. "Or anyone who isn't blind, for that matter. What's the matter? Did Sour Shellybeans nest in your bathtub again? I told you that wasn't my fault."

"No, nothing like that!" Seedos planted his hands on his skinny hips. "There's this new guy in town and-"

"Is he bullying you? Do you want me to beat him up?" Dastardos gently picked Magnar up and shifted to a sitting position. "I'll do it, but it probably won't do any good since no one in their right mind would link me back to you…" Dastardos chuckled at the absurdity of the idea.

Seedos shook his head vigorously. "No! Eddie told me that this new guy optimized the attention of all of the girls in the Village!" Seedos shrugged off his backpack and crouched down to search through the pockets. "Eddie's having a meeting tomorrow morning at 8:30 at Arfur's to discuss what to do about him…" Seedos smiled to himself when he found the flyer and offered it to Dastardos.

Dastardos shifted the still-snoozing Magnar into the crook of one arm and took the flyer. He squinted hard at it; he couldn't read too well with his bad eye, but he wasn't about to let Seedos know that. "This is the gayest handwriting I've ever seen…" Dastardos commented before raising a brow at his little brother. "And why should I help with this, again? I'm a very busy man, you know."

"Um…well…you like to mess with people...so I figured you'd be a good addition to the team?" Seedos grinned hopefully at Dastardos.

Dastardos stroked his chin in thought for a minute before shaking his head. "…Not good enough."

Seedos let out a disappointed sigh. "Well…uh…what about the girls? There must be at least _one_ that you wouldn't want to see go off with this jerk!"

"Hah!" Dastardos barked and rolled his eyes. "Are you nuts? None of them would even think about looking at me twice. Besides, I doubt _all_ the girls could be into this douchebag."

"No, it's every single last one of them," Seedos frowned at the memory of Leena gushing over this Alejandro guy. "Eddie even told me he saw _Avalon_ with him, and she was laughing!" Seedos chuckled in disbelief. "I thought she had some standards, but I guess I was wrong!"

"Wait, _what?"_ Dastardos leaned forward, his eyes widening.

"Mmm-hmm. Leena was talking about how great he is too, so you know my motive…" Seedos' tone turned serious for a moment. "With you on board, we could really terrify this guy! _Please_ help us! Forget about your job until this guy backs off!"

Dastardos' expression had turned completely serious. "I'll do it," he held his hand out to his brother.

Seedos yelped in delight and gave Dastardos an unexpectedly firm handshake. "What's with the sudden change of attitude, hm?" Seedos teased his brother with a grin.

"Hmph," Dastardos pulled his hand away and looked away from his brother. "I just decided it might be a fun change of pace. If I get bored, I'll leave."

Seedos felt like Dastardos was hiding something, but he knew better than to pry. "That's good enough for me!" Seedos laughed joyfully. "Remember, 8:30 in the morning at Arfur's!"

"Got it," Dastardos gave Seedos a two-fingered salute. "Now can you leave before someone walks by and hears us talking? I need to think about what I'll bring to the table tomorrow, too…" Dastardos chuckled darkly.

Seedos nodded, not really wanting to stick around to watch Dastardos scheme. He always forgot what evils his brother was capable of, and he really didn't like to be reminded of them.

He hitched his backpack back up and started for the door, but stopped when he heard Dastardos yell "Wait one second!"

"Yes?" Seedos asked, looking over his shoulder.

"For as long as we're going through with this scheme, you are _not_ my brother," Dastardos warned. "I'm going to insult you. Ruthlessly. Just like I do with everyone else. You can act like you're scared of me or something. Just don't drop One. Single. Hint. Got it?"

"Gotcha," Seedos did a much less elegant impression of Dastardos' two fingered salute.

"Don't take any of those insults to heart," Dastardos half smiled before waving Seedos off. "Now get out of my lair."


	5. The First Meeting

The sun was shining exceptionally bright the next morning. The Sparrowmints fluffed the dew out of their paper feathers and sang their cheerful ballads, a small herd of Doenuts grazed in the grass at the edge of the village, and the Piñata Central blimp droned lazily in the distance. However, the cheerful scene was lost on Seedos as he carefully made his way to Arfur's. He squinted his great big eyeballs against the glare of the sun, and tried his best to not trip over any potholes. He had never been inside the Inn before, and to be frank, he was rather nervous about it all. He had heard all sorts of horror stories about goings-on in that building.

And the helpers who hung about always seemed to have multiple screws loose.

And Bart liked to talk about spending his evenings playing darts and dominoes.

And Arfur always made the little hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

Before he knew it, Seedos had reached the double-doors of the Inn. He loitered around for a few minutes, before cautiously reaching his hand out and touching the door. He lost his nerve and withdrew it to his chest with a jump. This happened several times before Seedos buried his mask in his hands. _OK, Seedos. This is ridiculous. Just walk through those doors and-_

"What, he walked _Leena_ home last night!" Eddie's voice shrieked through the open window.

"WHAT?" Seedos found himself exclaiming as soon as Eddie's statement reached his ears. Everyone at the table turned to look at him.

There weren't too many guys here yet. The table only had three occupants at the moment, Eddie, who had brought his clipboard for whatever reason, Doc Patchingo, who was looking far more nervous than usual, and Sparcticus, who had an immensely dark expression on his mask that made Seedos even more frightened than he already was.

"…glad you could make it, Seedos! Just in time for a _motivating_ story, too! Sit down wherever you like!" Eddie greeted after the brief silence.

Seedos felt dread settle in his stomach as he sat down next to Doctor Patchingo.

"A-anyway, yes, I saw him walk b-by with Leena…" Patch nodded, the ears of his monkey helmet bobbling along with his movements. "H-he was linking arms with her and e-everything. I n-never saw a b-b-bigger smile on that girl."

"What a _sicko!"_ Seedos slammed his fist into the table. Eddie and Patch jumped. "Leena's _fifteen!_ How could he not _know_ that?"

"So this guy's a pedophile too…" Eddie wrote something down, his purple brows creased into a scowl. "What a pleasant man."

"Ephebophile…" Sparcticus spoke up, but his voice was grumbly. "'Pedophiles' like little kids, not teenagers." His interest in the short, short Sahari had caused him to be called both of those things by more ignorant Islanders.

Eddie made a face and erased what he had just written. "That's still disgusting!" Eddie blew the bits of eraser off his clipboard and corrected his observation.

"H-Have any of you guys located this g-g-guy's g-garden?" Patch said as he carefully crumbled his poppy seed muffin into tiny pieces. "I don't t-think this guy's going to have any ill piñata, so…"

Eddie nodded and scribbled on his clipboard again. "That'd be a good thing to find out. Seedos, you know anything about this guy?"

Seedos shook his head slowly. "All I know about him was from _Leena_-" His voice tightened at her name. He flushed under his mask for several reasons and found the wood grain of the table remarkably interesting. He felt a weight on his shoulder.

Patch gave Seedos a reassuring grin, and the sting in his heart felt just a little bit better.

"_Sahari_ said quite a lot of things about this guy," Sparcticus said in a tense voice, like a volcano straining under pressure. "He sounds well-off, so I don't think he'd be too far from the town…"

"Greetings and salutations, my beleaguered brothers!" Bart boomed as he kicked the doors open and strode into the inn like he owned the place. "Arfur!" He called out into the darkened bar, "My usual, please!" A pair of glowing eyes blinked in confirmation.

"I'll open up a tab for you!" Arfur grinned as he began to work his magic.

The tinker perched on the seat next to Sparcticus and took off his hat. "I hope I haven't missed too much, creeping out of the caravan is hard when both your nephews are morning people…"

"Don't worry, sir, we're just getting started!" Eddie smiled broadly at Bart. "We're gathering information about this Alejandro fellow so we know exactly what we're dealing with. What do you know about him?"

Bart pondered for a moment. "I caught a glimpse of him on my way to the inn. He was talking with Fannie and that dour young woman who works at Paper Pets. Both of them were tittering like Candaries!" Bart shook his head. "He didn't seem to be anything special to me! Women are baffling creatures!"

"Wow, h-he must know that has a lot of options to ch-choose from…" Patch frowned. "He's b-been seen talking to so many g-g-girls…"

"Even if they belong to _someone else…"_ Sparcticus grumbled angrily and rested his chin in his hands.

Arfur deposited Bart's drink onto the table in front of him. Bart thanked him and took an enormous swig of it. "We should educate this man a lesson in manners!" Bart said as he wiped the mouth of his mask on his sleeve.

"B-b-but none of us are even _d-dating _any of these women…" Patch folded his gloved hands.

"Says you," Sparcticus griped.

Patch didn't take any notice to his comment and continued. "I-it would just be r-r-rude if we were cruel to him for no r-reason…"

"He's leading all of the women in town on, isn't that reason enough?" Eddie gestured largely and Bart, Seedos, and Sparcticus nodded in agreement. Eddie grinned at their affirmation. "Majority rules, Patch."

Doc Patch pouted and he slid down in his chair.

"What do you have in mind, Bart?" Eddie's eyes sparkled expectantly and he leaned forward.

"Well, I-"

"Sorry I'm late, Eddiekins!" Bart was interrupted by his more boisterous nephew throwing the doors open and announcing his presence. "I got my pants stuck on a fencepost and-" Yoto halted mid-sentence when he saw his uncle seated at the table. _"Uncle Bart?_ What are _you_ doing here?" Yoto's hands flew to his mouth to stifle an oncoming onslaught of snickers.

Bart snatched up his hat from the table and shielded his face with it. "That is absolutely _none_ of your business, Yoto!"

"Aww, come on Uncle!" Yoto held himself up with the doorframe. "I didn't think you would go for the fairer sex!"

"WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!" Bart dropped his hat and reveled a frown so massive that it caused Yoto to erupt into a new fit of giggles.

Sparcticus sighed and longingly stared out the window.

"Oh, you know, Uncle!" Yoto wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "You know _exactly_ what I mean!"

"And I could say the same for YOU!" Bart pointed an accusing finger at Yoto. Yoto looked around and gestured to himself.

"ME?" He nearly squeaked.

"Yes, you hang around Eddie here all the time, I was CONVINCED that-"

"AHEM!" Eddie coughed and Yoto and Bart turned to look at him with expectant looks on their masks. "_Could we please stop acting so juvenile_? _We have a very important task at hand that could very well affect each and every one of us and our future happiness!_" His tie went askew as he boomed.

"Yes, Eddiekins," Yoto said Goobaaishly as he slipped into an empty chair.

"He even has a nickname for him!" Bart whispered to Patch. Patch nodded sagely.

Eddie gave Bart a seething look and cleared his throat. "Now that we have a good amount of people, let's decide on a plan of action." His purple eyes scanned over everyone in the group as they pondered. After a few minutes, Eddie knit his brow. "…no ideas?"

"It takes time to come up with a plan to combat something of this caliber, boy!" Bart protested before finishing his drink.

"It would be nice if someone could throw something out there…" Seedos spoke up.

"_I _have an idea!" A mischievous, unfamiliar voice said. All of the men looked around frantically for the source of the voice, except for Patch, who buried his face in his hands. He knew _exactly _who this was.

"Sorry I'm late!" Dastardos floated right through the window with an armful of…something, grinning like the maniac he was. Arfur opened his mouth to protest his new "patron" but Dastardos shot him a brief glare and Arfur suddenly decided he needed to polish the mugs.

Everyone was too stunned to speak. Eddie's hands were shaking, Patch still hadn't come up from his hands, Bart and Yoto wore identical slack-jawed expressions, Sparcticus' eyes were wide with disbelief, and Seedos was honestly shocked that his brother actually bothered to show up.

Dastardos expected this. He chuckled as he floated over to the table. "A little Robean told me that all of you want to get rid of the new guy," Dastardos dumped what he was holding onto the table. Turns out it was a veritable _ton_ of Sour Candy. Patch let out an incredibly loud gasp and Seedos recoiled. "If we slip him some of this, he'll be gone faster than you can say 'violent convulsions!'"

"What the hell!" Patch's hands flew from his face and smashed down onto the table, "Why would you even _suggest_ such a thing! And besides, what are you even doing here? Why do you care about the things we do? You're a _corpse_." Spittle flew from Patch's mouth as the color deepened in his face, "This Alejandro guy isn't going to do anything to affect _your_ life, so leave and go back to that _pathetic excuse_ you call a house. Leave this to the _real men_," He flicked the hair out of his face and glared right into Dastardos' eyes.

"_DAMN,_ Patch!" Yoto shouted, looking even more shocked than he did when Dastardos made his entrance.

Dastardos didn't even look the slightest bit shocked. He flew right to Patch's side and smirked patronizingly at him. "You have some nerve, you know that? Do you know how beneficial it could be to have me on your side?" One side of Dastardos' scarf draped around Patch's shoulders and he bristled. "That goes for all of you!" Dastardos indicated the rest of the men with a sweep of his arm. "I'm offering you a quick solution! You should take it."

"Get away from me!" Patch plucked at Dastardos' scarf in hopes of removing it, but the toothed end of it made a move to bite him and he backed off, letting out a small yelp of surprise.

"No! No murder!" Eddie shouted, slamming his hand on the table with a light _thump._ "I don't want _any_ of our reputations to be muddied!"

"Isn't yours muddied already, Eddie? You're married to _Pester!" _Yoto cracked up and he found himself on the receiving end of five glares.

"Whose side are you on?" Patch's tone was alarmingly harsh.

"Wait, _what?"_ Bart squinted at Eddie suspiciously.

"I-it's a long story that doesn't matter now!" Eddie pointed his pen at Dastardos. "You tried to _kill_ me! I'm more than a bit hesitant to trust you now, obviously!"

"That wasn't _my_ idea!" Dastardos finally moved away from Patch, much to the doctor's immense relief. "Look, Eddie, I'm sorry, okay? Let me help. I'm invaluable."

Patch glared at Eddie and shook his head vigorously.

"…how so?" Eddie folded his arms.

"The whole invulnerability thing," Dastardos gestured to himself. "This Alejandro douchebag couldn't hurt me if he tried. I'm very good at finding places to hide, as well. Having the ability to go through pretty much anything solid like it was nothing is quite useful…"

"Well, I _do_ like the idea of having a phantom batting for our team," Bart folded his hands and pressed them to the lips of his mask. "But how can we be sure we can trust you? You _are_ of the untrustworthy type."

"Yeah," Yoto found his courage and pointed a finger accusingly at Dastardos. He hoped he looked cool. He wished Storkos would be here to see him talk down this dastardly villain! "What's in it for you, buddy? You seem pretty motivated already, what's the guy done to you?" His nose screwed up as he flicked a piece of Sour Candy away across the table.

Patch hissed as the sweet bounced off his arm, withdrawing as if it were a hot coal. He picked it up and tossed it over the reaper with an absolutely disgusted expression on his face.

After briefly squinting at the village doctor, Dastardos turned his attention onto Yoto. "Listen to me, kid. I have next to nothing to do when I'm not putting piñata out of their misery. Something about this new guy just rubs me the wrong way, and I _know_ messing with him would be a good laugh. Especially since you guys don't want to take the easy way out…" Dastardos' good eye flicked down to the Sour Candy.

"There's a witness…" Sparcticus looked up from examining a piece of the sour candy. He thumbed over his shoulder at Arfur, who was obviously eavesdropping as he polished the already spotless mugs.

Seedos finally spoke up. "W-we should give him a chance! What's the worst that could happen?" The oversized mouth of his mask grinned hopefully.

"I could list them, but we'd be here all day!" Patch griped, shooting Dastardos another blazing glare.

"Oh, shush, you," Dastardos returned the glare. "I'll have you know that this new guy rubs me the wrong way even more than _you_ do."

"Really?" Patch's voice was peppered with skepticism.

"Really," Dastardos tossed one half of his scarf over his shoulder. He cocked a brow at Eddie. "Do you want me to swear loyalty? Because I will. All of you have permission to beat me within an inch of my life with shovels if I go back on my word." His expression turned bitter. "I know very well that _you _have one, Lizard."

"That's…that's actually a good idea, Dastardos!" Eddie brightened, even though he never thought he'd say those words in a row. "Actually, we should _all_ swear loyalty to one another! We'd feel more like some kind of secret society that way!" Eddie giggled with delight.

Both Dastardos and Bart rolled their eyes.

"But what should we swear on?" Seedos drummed his fingers on the table, "…We could swear on-"

"I'm swearing on Sahari," Sparcticus' deep voice rumbled out, and everyone's heads turned towards him. "There's nothing more important to me," He said with an expression so serious that it made Yoto scoot to the other side of his chair.

"Excellent idea, Sparcticus!" Eddie grinned a rather large grin as he gestured grandly to the rest of the table, "Let's _all_ swear on the names of our ladies to prove the extent of our dedication."

He looked out over the remaining guys with an expectant grin. All gave each other shifty looks, understandably wary of releasing such a binding oath.

"Fine, I will go next," Eddie sucked in a breath as he stood up and placed both hands over his heart. "I, Edward Lizard the Second do pledge my loyalty on the name of the most exquisite creature I have ever laid eyes on: _Maxime_," He said in a shuddery little sigh. Seedos and Dastardos both rolled their eyes at each other.

"And I," Seedos said with a tiny little grin, "Swear on Leena's name!"

Yoto looked extremely uncomfortable for a moment but exploded, "_Fine_, I didn't want to have to admit this but… I do swear my undying loyalty, yadda yadda yadda on-"

Bart coughed, "AHEMEDDIELIZARD."

Yoto turned even redder as he gave his Uncle an indignant glare before continuing.

"-the talented and lovely Storkos." He wilted a little.

Eddie's nose wrinkled at Bart's interruption. "What about you, Bart?" He asked, a grim smile settling on his face.

"Yeah, Uncle Bart!" Yoto leaned forward in his chair. "Who's your _lady_?"

Bart fiddled with the brim of his hat for a few moments before letting out a defeated sigh. "I do so swear my loyalty and abilities to this Man's Army. I swear this on the name of-of Gretchen!" He pulled the brim of his hat down to cover his eyes.

Yoto stuck his lower lip out and gave his uncle a little nod of approval. He was pretty impressed, actually. Didn't think his uncle would fall for such a sophisticated woman!

Yoto turned towards the two doctors across the table from him. "So, what about you guys?" He said breezily, leaning his chin on his hand.

Patch straightened up and spoke up, "I-I do swear allegiance to this g-g-group, in the love I have for all womenkind!" Patch placed a hand on his chest, a completely sincere expression on his face. "I d-don't personally have a preference, but I am just so offended by the way this man treats these ladies!"

Patch shifted his look towards Dastardos, smiling a sly little grin.

Dastardos ignored him, placed one hand over his heart, and held up the other. "I solemnly swear my loyalty to this group on my sheer _hatred_ for this guy that I'm sure that I share with all of you!" He smiled as sincerely as he could at the men seated at the table, minus Patch, who he didn't even bother to look at.

"And none of us shall go back on our word!" Eddie laughed gaily and began rooting through a green and yellow messenger bag that was hanging off the side of his chair. _"Now_ I have an idea!" Eddie produced an armload of walkie-talkies from his bag, smiling like a fat child in a candy store. "Before we properly go after this guy, we need to gather more information about him. I propose that we eavesdrop on his conversations and learn as much as we can! _Especially_ what girls he's most fond of!" Eddie placed the communication devices onto the table. "I borrowed these from the janitors at the P-Factor Hall. They won't miss them, I don't think."

"Oooh!" Yoto's eyes sparkled when he saw what Eddie pulled from his bag. "Walkie-talkies! Can we have code names? We should have code names! Can mine be Big Tinker?"

Bart let out an irritated sigh and put his head down on the table.

"Code names sound fun!" Eddie was surprised that he agreed with Yoto, of all people, but their new sworn brotherhood made the boisterous redhead seem much more tolerable. "I want to be Spectrum!" He wrote both his and Yoto's code names down onto a fresh piece of paper on his clipboard. "What about you?" he pointed his pen at Sparcticus.

"…can I just be Sparcticus, please?" Sparcticus eyed the walkie-talkies with a mix of disdain and confusion. He wasn't the most technologically advanced person on the Island.

"That's a mouthful, though," Eddie pouted.

"Yeah, there's a reason most people just call you 'you,'" Yoto scratched his messy hair. "Sahari calls you Sparty, right? It's boring, but it's easy, and it'll remind you of who you're fighting for!" Yoto held up a fist.

"…that works…" Sparcticus sighed again and picked up a walkie-talkie of his own. He wished he had Sahari to explain to him just what this thing did…

"Well, I want to be-" Seedos began.

"He's Four-Eyes," Yoto blurted out, a laugh tickling his voice. Seedos opened his mouth, but Yoto held his finger up and said "Ah-ah-aaahhh!"

Seedos frowned so hard Yoto thought his mouthpiece was going to dislodge.

"I will be Domino," Bart said, leaning back and putting his sandaled feet on the table.

Eddie frowned at Bart's action, but scribbled the name down.

Eddie went down the list. "What about you, Mr. Reaper?" Eddie raised an eyebrow, giving the Dastardos an expectant look.

Dastardos frowned for a moment before a look of honest glee took over his expression. "Reaper!" He grinned smugly, placing his fingertips together. "Reaper is just perfect, thank you."

Eddie gave a shrug and wrote the name down. "It's down to you, Patch!"

"A-a-ah," Patch twiddled his thumbs as he racked his brain. He wanted a cool name, like everyone else! But no matter how hard he thought, nothing came to him.

"Need some help?" Asked Eddie, noticing Patch's plight.

"Echo!" Yoto blurted out, unable to contain himself any longer.

"S-s-sure," Patch said, giving Yoto a tiny smile.

"Now that we've got that all settled…" Eddie finished writing down all of their code names. "Let's develop a plan."

It was decided that all of them would spend the day hanging around different spots in the Village, slipping into the shadows to spy on Alejandro if he so much walked by them.

"Doctor Patch, if you get a call, you can go ahead and take care of it," Eddie nodded at the doctor. "It won't do anyone any good if you keep your patients waiting. But do try to be swift."

"T-t-thank you!" Patch beamed in gratitude.

"What about me?" Dastardos said with mock offense.

"I think _your_ 'patients' can do without you for a few days," Eddie turned up his nose at Dastardos. "And I don't want you to have any more reason to fight with Doctor Patch!"

"…fine, but if Pester asks, it wasn't my idea," Dastardos reluctantly obliged.

"Good," Eddie poised his pen over his clipboard. "Questions? Comments? Concerns?"

Seedos raised his hand. "What do we do if he catches us?"

"Run!" Yoto suggested. "We shouldn't care if he thinks we're psycho." He gave an aside glance to Dastardos. "We kinda are."

"…not a bad idea," Eddie blinked. "Anyway, report all of your findings to me and I'll make sure to record them!" Eddie tapped his clipboard. "We'll find this guy's Achilles' heel in no time, I'm sure!" Eddie rose to his feet and slung his bag over his shoulder. "Meeting adjourned!" He tucked his clipboard under one arm and smirked. "Happy hunting."

As everyone filed out the door, Dastardos felt someone tap him on the shoulder. He turned around to see Sparcticus holding out an apple.

"About the Sour Candy…" Sparcticus looked around, his voiced hushed. "Do you think you could put one in this?"


	6. In Which Dastardos Hides In a Tree

"Reaper here, target in sight," Dastardos drawled into his walkie-talkie. "He's with Sahari-"

Dastardos winced and held the walkie-talkie away from his ear when Sparcticus roared.

"-And we're over by the West side of the village, over."

Dastardos shifted his position in a lower branch of the oak tree he was hiding in and strained to hear their conversation. Sahari was gesturing wildly, her poncho going every which direction. Alejandro patted her on the head and she beamed at him. The sound of their laughter drifted over towards his tree.

Alejandro looked pretty much how Dastardos expected. Tanned skin, manly mask, strong forearms and short hair. Though Dastardos did gain some glee to learn that he was a little on the short side, but that didn't seem to stop him from all his amorous advances. Or the ladies' ready acceptance of those advances.

"Sahari over by the West side, gotcha," Eddie's high voice whined through the speaker as he scribbled down a few notes. "So that's Sahari, Leafos, Leena, and Gretchen he's chatted with today. Don't any of these girls notice?"

Eddie was quiet for a few moments before Yoto's always-too-loud voice jumped from the speaker, "You done speaking, idiot, over?"

"O-Oh yes, over," Eddie said, with obvious fluster in his voice.

"Paging Faggot, where are you Faggot, over?" Dastardos smirked to himself as he leaned over to keep Sahari and Alejandro in sight.

When there was no response, Dastardos gritted his teeth and said "That's you, Patch, over."

"H-h-hey! I thought we agreed that my c-c-code name would be-" Patch protested, but his efforts were futile.

"I didn't care to remember what it was, so I'm calling you Faggot…Faggot. Over," Dastardos smiled as Patch let out a drawn out sigh into the walkie talkie. Music to his ears!

"Can you hear what they're saying? What are they saying?" Sparcticus was far too worked up to say 'over.'

"Hmm, shhh for a minute, I'm going to try to eavesdrop, over…" Dastardos pricked up his ears as much as he could.

"No, but it was lovely to see you again, Sahari," Alejandro drawled as he took Sahari's hand in his and gave it a delicate little kiss. "I am thrilled to think that you would take the time out of your busy schedule to show me around."

'It-It's no problem, really!" Sahari quickly withdrew her hand and held it protectively to her chest. She giggled nervously and scuffed her sandaled foot for a moment before timidly saying, "When can I see you again?"

"Oh, don't worry about that," Alejandro said with a movie-poster smile. Sahari's knees went visibly weak. "Fate'll make us bump into each other again!" He gave Sahari a tiny little wave as he turned and started walking towards the tree Dastardos was creeping in.

"And now she's looking after him with big eyes," Dastardos said. Sparcticus whispered, "Oh, no, no, no, noooooo," As he repeatedly knocked his head against a wall.

"Wait, Sparty, hush a minute, he's coming right by here!" Dastardos whispered urgently as he flipped up to a higher branch, where the leaves were less sparse. "Repeat, ssshhhhh, over."

Alejandro strolled under the tree, and stopped abruptly as his pocket delivered a cheerful jingle. He fished out his incredibly sophisticated and expensive-looking alert system and gave a delighted laugh as soon as he saw the text alert.

"Oh yes, I almost _completely_ forgot about lunch with Avalon!" He said as his fingers danced a gleeful message back. "Can't see why I did, I really do enjoy her company more than all the others so far…"

Dastardos gritted his teeth and waited impatiently for Alejandro to be out of earshot. When he finally was, he stabbed a button on his walkie-talkie. "Reaper here, I have some news about the new guy," Dastardos glared at Alejandro as he walked out of sight. "He has a lunch date with Avalon Pendragonache; he said he favors her, over."

"R-r-really?" Patch spluttered over the speaker. "H-h-he must like rich g-g-girls…um, over."

"Sahari certainly isn't rich!" Sparcticus realized. "What did she say, by the way? Did you hear anything?"  
>"She was shuffling her feet and she asked when she'd see him again," Dastardos rolled his eyes. "She seemed quite taken with him. Not a big surprise. Over."<p>

Sparcticus cursed loudly and Dastardos held the walkie-talkie far, far away from his ear.

"C-C-Calm down, Sparty," Patch swooped to the rescue, "S-Since he seems to prefer rich g-g-girls, I think Sahari'll b-be safe."

"Yes, BUT-" Sparcticus protested, his voice unusually sharp.

"D-Don't worry!" Patch said, keeping his tone calm. "I m-mean, he has plenty of other girls to talk to. Since he j-just finished with h-her, I don't think he'll arrange a m-meeting so soon. Besides, I s-saw Alejandro, um, reciting poetry to Storkos w-when I visited his garden this m-m-morning-"

"YOU WHAT HOW COME YOU DIDN'T MENTION THAT WHAT THE HELL MAN POETRY HOW CAN I COMPETE WITH THAT!" Yoto yelled into the speaker. Dastardos rolled his eyes and thanked his lucky stars his eardrums were as invulnerable as the rest of him.

"You didn't mention that earlier, Patch," Eddie sounded a little disappointed as he scribbled that information down.

"S-Sorry, I had another p-person to run to directly a-after that and…" Dithered Patch.

"WELL, IT WAS AN IMPORTANT DETAIL!" Yoto ground his teeth. "YOU COULD HAVE SENT ME AN ALERT WHILE DRIVING, YOU KNOW! God DAMN IT! Is he chasing after EVERYTHING with a vagina?"

"Y-Y-Yoto!" Doc Patch's blush was practically audible, which caused Dastardos to stifle a laugh.

"I'm surprised the women aren't getting cross with him!" Bart grumped. "Surely they must know that he's rushing about making amorous advances on every pretty mask in sight!"

"I think they're too thrilled to care…" Seedos let out a tiny, annoyed huff.

"What's so great about this guy, anyway?" Dastardos sniffed.

"Oh, I should have figured that you haven't seen his movies, Dastardos…" Eddie balanced his walkie-talkie between his shoulder and his ear as he steepled his fingers. "He was in a whole bunch of romance and action movies. He has broad audience appeal…and I must admit that he's no slouch in the looks department!"

In response to the silence on the speaker, Eddie turned red and defended: "What? Anyone with eyes could notice that!"

"Hmm, guess you're working with us to ward the ladies away and swoop off with him at the end!" Dastardos said with a hysterical laugh.

"W-What, I don't-"

Yoto's delighted laughter came on the line and he managed to gasp out, "If I could, I'd high five you, Dastardos!"

"I am bowing right now," Dastardos said modestly.

"Enough about this," Bart butted in impatiently. He hated how chaotic these walkie talkie devices were! "What are we going to do now? We know he's going to be spending the next few hours with Avalon, and since nobody here likes her I feel like we have the perfect opportunity to do something!"

"We should meet in person to discuss things!" Eddie agreed. "Can you all be at Arfur's in fifteen minutes?"

Everyone expressed their affirmation and Eddie grinned. "Good! See you there!"

Dastardos leapt down from the tree he had been lounging in, stopping in mid-air when he was six inches from the ground. He looked off in the direction that Alejandro had gone off in. Something about this guy REALLY made him angry…


	7. Langston in Love

Fifteen minutes later, most of the men were seated at the exact same table that they sat at that morning. Their voices were much more hushed, however, since it was later in the day and the inn was much more populated.

"…where's Dastardos?" Eddie had just done a quiet roll call, checking off every present person's name on his clipboard. Dastardos was notably absent.

Patch sighed and rolled his eyes. "I knew that he'd leave…"

"He probably got bored," Seedos murmured and Patch gave him a quizzical look. "Um…he seems like the type of person who would run off if he got tired of something?" Seedos grinned at Patch and Patch shrugged and accepted that answer. Seedos mentally sighed in relief.

"No matter, we'll just continue on without him," Eddie said as he put his clipboard down. "So what are we going to do next, men? We've seen he's talked to every girl and it's barely the afternoon…"

Yoto opened his mouth to speak when something small and green bounced and landed in the middle of the table. His mouth remained open and he mouthed "WHY?".

"Great, I'm not late!" Said Langston the Lickatoad as he grinned at everyone at the table, the little thing on top of his hat spinning slowly. "Hi Patch! See, I told you I'd get off work in time!"

What part of Patch's visible face turned bright red, and he slipped down lower in his seat.

Everyone raised eyebrows at him.

"OK, who invited the Lickatoad!" Yoto gestured angrily at the offending piñata.

"Oh, I had a little sore throat and I saw Dr. Patchingo!" Langston said, pointing at Patch, who nearly slipped under the table in shame. "He mentioned that you all were having a meeting about Mr. Alejandro, and I wanted to join!"

"… Why?" Eddie said, his purple eyebrow raised so high it peeked out of his eyeband.

"Well…" Langston sniffed. He pulled off his hardhat and held it over his heart. "I was hopping my way down the Village Road when I saw the most terrible sight!"

"And that was…?" Eddie questioned, leaning forward with interest.

"That Alejandro fellow was talking to _Leafos!"_ Langston sniffled again, much more loudly this time. "He even had his hand in hers! I was so envious, I couldn't see straight!"

"Wait, _Leafos?"_ Seedos leaned back in his chair.

"Yes, Leafos!" Langston nodded his entire body and his eyes went misty. "I was always impressed with her ability to work with piñatas…she stands out among all you other humans!" He sighed and hugged his hat.

Seedos, Yoto, Bart, and Eddie all looked at each other and burst out laughing. Sparcticus just sighed and turned his gaze to the window.

"What's so funny!" Langston exclaimed, hopping quite a few angry hops. "She's beautiful and brilliant! I can't help myself!"

"B-but you're a-!" Seedos couldn't finish his sentence because he was afflicted by another bout of loud laughter.

Bart wiped his eyes. "Pardon, Langston. I just really can't imagine that Leafos' father would approve!"

Langston stuck out his lower lip. "But I thought he_ liked_ piñatas!"

"Not dating his daughter!" Yoto sniggered.

"Jardiniero is a very reasonable man," Langston said insistently, "I am sure that I could convince him to see my way…"

"I don't think you could make him see your way for all the Taffly Muffins in the world!" Bart giggled, tears streaming down his mask.

This really rubbed Langston the wrong way. He stuck his snout up in the air and would have pulled his pants up if he had any. "Why I _never_! You know what I think-" He stopped speaking and his jaw dropped and his eyes grew very very large. "Um…"

All the men turned around to see Dastardos slip through the back wall, a smug grin on his mask. It faded when he saw Langston sitting on the table.

"Hey," Dastardos glared as he drifted over to the table. "No piñata on the table!" He reached over and picked Langston up.

Langston went completely rigid, with his legs sticking straight out and a ridiculous terrified expression on his face.

Dastardos floated past the shocked patrons of Arfur's Inn, and right outside. He placed Langston on the ground and drew himself up.

"Don't come back," He said, his smug grin from earlier returning.

"B-But," Langston gasped a little bit. "Mr. Reaper sir,"

"I don't associate with piñata," His smirk grew even wider, "_I kill them_."

Langston gulped and disappeared down the road in a few panicky hops.


	8. Fragile Situation

"So glad you could join us," Eddie said when Dastardos returned, marking his name down on the list. "We were scared you had gotten bored and vanished!"

"I just had something to take care of," Dastardos sat on the seat between Patch and Seedos. Patch tried his best to subtly scoot his chair away. Dastardos cracked his knuckles and added: "I wouldn't miss this for the world."

"Now that he's here," Yoto pointed his thumb at Dastardos. "I have an idea I wanna share!"

"…the floor is yours," Eddie said reluctantly.

"I think we should, like, sabotage this guy's dates or something!" Yoto giggled. "Just harmless pranks, nothing we could get arrested over! Heck, we could play pranks on him even when he _isn't_ on a date! We'd drive him slowly mad and he'd _have_ to leave!"

"Yoto, we're not all _eight years old…"_ Sparcticus mumbled, but he was drowned out by noises of affirmation from the other men.

"I could toss a few weed seeds into his bed!" Seedos grinned a very unsettling grin. "Believe me, they'd grow there. Those things are _hardy."_ Dastardos felt a small well of pride in his chest when he saw the devious look on his brother's mask.

"I could transmogrify his entire wardrobe to be terribly unflattering!" Bart folded his arms and smirked.

"I've got an idea too," Dastardos smirked at Eddie. "Why don't you take your little drag show on the road again? You could break Alejandro's heart or something."

"Drag show?" Bart gave Eddie a look. "That's the second unsavory thing I heard about you today…"

Eddie blushed and used his clipboard to hide his mouth. "I-it's a long story and I did it for the greater good…" he turned to Dastardos and scowled a bit. "Petula helped me with that, though! She'd get suspicious if I suddenly wanted to put on a dress again, plus she'd know it was me putting the moves on Alejandro!"

"I don't think she's that smart, Eddie," Yoto chuckled. "You're giving her _waaay_ too much credit."

"A-anyway…" Patch struggled to change the subject and rescue poor Eddie. "I-I-I think this is a little mean…"

"Of _course_ you do…" Dastardos rolled his eyes.

"Easy for you to say, Doctor," Sparcticus glared icily at Patch and he felt a chill down his spine. "None of these women are even _yours."_

"H-h-he doesn't have a preference either!" Patch protested, gesturing at Dastardos.

"Yes, but I actually _am_ mean…" Dastardos examined his nails nonchalantly.

"But this is a-a-a very _fragile_ situation!" Patch fixed Dastardos with a glare. Well, Dastardos took it for a glare, since Patch's eyes were obscured. "You can't always j-just go through and smash things with a b-big stick!"

"_Yes you can_," Dastardos purred as he leaned forward.

Patch shivered and looked away.

"Maybe we should stop being so nice," Bart said, lifting his hat and scratching his hair as he spoke. "As this morning has shown us, if we just sit about and twiddle our thumbs, we don't have a chance! I do _not_ desire to be a bystander anymore!" He folded his hands on his stomach with a snap. "I propose that we take action immediately, since Alejandro is occupied for the moment!"

"Yeah, I'm not going to let that jerk recite poetry to Storkos," Yoto was remarkably close to tearing out his hair. "I'm going to make my own poem and tell it to HER!"

"A _poem_?" Dastardos burst out into hysterical laughter, silencing the entire inn. "Of everything you could possibly do, you want to read her a _poem_? And not just any poem, one that _you wrote_?"

"YES," Yoto glared daggers at the reaper. "I am going to do just that and she's going to enjoy it!"

"Heh, whatever you say!" Dastardos sniggered again.

"_Please_ don't scare her, Yoto…" Seedos shook his head at the poor lovesick fool.

Patch's alert system went off with a cheerful jingle before Yoto could defend himself. "O-Oh, excuse me," He said Goobaaishly as he fished it out and answered it with a cheerful smile. "H-H-Hello?" His smile vanished instantly, and his top lip curled up. "Oh, h-h-hello, _Alejandro_."

All the guys leaned forward with painfully interested expressions on their masks.

"W-What? You got hurt and y-y-you need um… urgent care? Yes, uh, I'm not at my clinic but I can be t-t-there in five m-m-minutes," Patch said as he started to stand up. "H-H-How bad is it?" His face fell even more at Alejandro's answer. "Oh, um, yes, p-p-please get there as soon as possible. I'll m-m-meet you there." Patch turned off his alert system and fixed the rest of the group with a stare. "It seems like Alejandro was a-a-attacked by a pack of S-S-Sour Mallowolves and needs my h-h-help," He carefully aimed a glare at Dastardos.

Dastardos reclined in his chair casually. "What? You never said I couldn't get ahead of the game. This is a great chance for you to learn more about this guy, too," A yellow smirk spread across Dastardos' mask. Patch's face flushed red with anger, but he bit his tongue.

"You did WHAT?" Eddie, Seedos, and Yoto shouted in unison. Eddie and Seedos looked horrified, but Yoto looked thrilled.

"I wanted to get ahead of the game! Plus it was a great opportunity…and it totally ruined his date!" Dastardos burst into hysterical laughter. "You should have seen the LOOK on his mask when the Mallowolves ripped his pants _right off!_ PRICE. LESS."

"I hope those injuries won't be fatal!" Bart glared at Dastardos from under the brim of his hat. "I'm sure word's already gotten out that we're all associating with you…" Bart grimly looked around the inn to confirm his suspicions. Yup, most of the patrons were staring at Dastardos, looking confused, terrified, or both.

"T-t-they _will_ do some d-d-damage if I don't get back to the clinic soon!" Patch rose to his feet. "I c-can't b-b-believe you did this!" he scolded Dastardos as he gathered up his things.

"I c-can't b-b-believe you're not thanking me," Dastardos mocked.

Patch made a noise like a Moozipan giving birth to a small house and Eddie cleared his throat loudly.

"Patch, get to the clinic before you say something you'll regret," Eddie spoke with a soothing tone, but Patch's breathing didn't stop being ragged. "Please let me know when you're all set so you can report your findings!" Eddie put on a charming smile and Patch nodded stiffly before taking off.

Dastardos waited a few moments before floating out of his chair. "I'm going to follow him. Make sure he doesn't lie about what he heard," Dastardos rolled his good eye. "You know how he is."

"What if he sees you?" Seedos asked.

"I'll hide, it's hard to detect someone who doesn't walk," Dastardos chuckled and left with a little wave.

"I can't see this ending well…" Sparcticus grumbled as Dastardos floated through the wall.

"Time will tell, Sparcticus," Eddie shook his head. "Let's take a break and regroup when Patch is done patching up Alejandro."

All of the other guys nodded in agreement.

Eddie looked over his shoulder at the still gaping patrons and he let out an enormous sigh. "It looks like I have a lot of questions to answer, after all…"


	9. Clinical Observations

Avalon helped guide a mangled and pantsless Alejandro into Patch's biggest patient room. He limped, putting all his weight on his still-shod foot. His other, barer foot curled up in pain every time it hit the cold linoleum.

"U-U-Uh, right here," Patch said as he patted the table and bit his fingers.

"Thanks for seeing me on such short notice, doctor," Said Alejandro, as Avalon gingerly half-lifted him onto the table. "I don't mean to be a bother, but I think something like this needs attention…"

"What h-h-happened?" Patch hovered around him, carefully noting that the bite marks were all in nonfatal areas. Dastardos sure knew what he was doing when he ordered those sours around!

"Well, Avalon here and I were having a lovely picnic when an ENTIRE pack of Sour Mallowolves leapt over the hill and attacked us!" Alejandro gestured wildly, but winced and stopped. "They went right for me!" He gestured to himself a little more gently this time. "I've never seen anything quite like it before."

"I managed to chase some of them off," Said Avalon as she kept a hand on Alejandro's shoulder. "But, as you can see they did more than enough damage," She gestured to Alejandro's arms, which had a liberal sprinkling of scratches.

"I'm just glad they didn't do this to you," Alejandro grinned at Avalon and she shifted her gaze to the side. "Those damn things stole my pants, though," Alejandro sighed and looked down at his bare legs. He ruffled his blue hair in thought and finally lamented, "Those were my best pants, too..."

"I'll 'unt yew down the same pair," Avalon said and Alejandro shook his head violently.

"No, no, it's _fine_! I'll have to continue our date later, though… once I've stopped bleeding all over this good man's clinic…"

"You're bleeding?" Avalon looked down at a wound on his thigh that was shedding a concerning amount of red fluid all over Patch's examining table.

Avalon gave a little "Oh" and swooned.

"Oops," Said Patch as he whirled right around and caught her just in time. "Err, give me a moment," Patch gave Alejandro a forced smile as he hauled Avalon's limp body up and disappeared out the door with it.

"I really did like those pants," Alejandro said to nobody in particular as he tried to stop the bite-mark from bleeding so much.

Patch struggled with Avalon as he took her to a nearby patient room. She was a strong woman and quite a bit taller than he was, so lifting her up was a laborious task.

_I forgot all about her blood phobia…_ Patch furrowed his brow as he laid Avalon onto the examination table as gently as he could. _Dang it, Dastardos…he probably knew that he'd scare her with the blood, too! He wanted to hurt Alejandro and terrify Avalon just because she's interested in him. Killing two Sparrowmints with one stick…_ He sighed and shifted Avalon's head so it was resting more comfortably on the pillow before he left her lying there. He made a mental note to check on her later.

"OK, sorry about that!" said Patch as he zipped back into the room, giving Alejandro another one of his famous grins. This one was also forced. "F-F-First things first, let me try and s-s-stop that bleeding…" He ran over to a cabinet and opened it…

…and was greeted by a grinning Dastardos sitting on one of the shelves, the other shelves and the objects on them passing through him like he wasn't even there.

"Need these?" he whispered, holding out a tourniquet in one hand and a roll of bandages in another.

Doc Patch clapped both gloved hands over his mouth to stifle a startled, high-pitched scream.

"Is…everything okay?" Alejandro leaned forward, an inquisitive look on his mask. He'd never met anyone so nervous in his life before, and the fact that Patch was a doctor of all things didn't give him much comfort.

"Yes! Y-yes! Everything's fine!" Patch shielded the contents of the cabinet with his body and forced a grin over his shoulder at Alejandro. "O-one moment p-p-please!"

Patch bent a bit, his arms still on either side of the cabinet. He stared into Dastardos' mismatched eyes and hiss-whispered "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Observing you two," Dastardos replied simply.

"You can't see through the cabinet!" Patch protested through clenched teeth.

"No, but I can _hear_ just fine," Dastardos poked Patch in the chest with the roll of bandages. "You want this stuff or not?"

"Get. Out." Patch shook the cabinet a bit.

"Nope," Dastardos crossed his legs and raised a brow at Patch. "Just keep doing what you're doing. You won't even know I'm here." Dastardos offered the tourniquet and bandages to Patch again and he quickly snatched them away.

"Fffffine, only because Alejandro would get suspicious if I keep whispering to my cabinet…" Patch complied reluctantly.

"Good boy," Dastardos said patronizingly and patted Patch on the arm. Patch made a noise of exasperation and slammed the cabinet shut.

"S-s-sorry about that," Patch said, unrolling the tourniquet as he walked towards Alejandro, "I-I-I'm just a little-"

"Can we chitchat after you stop me bleeding all over the place?" Alejandro's smile fell and his tone sharpened. "_Please_?"

"Of c-c-course," Patch said as he wrapped the tourniquet around Alejandro's thigh as tight as it could go. Alejandro hissed and clenched the edge of the table until his knuckles turned white.

"What on earth caused those Sours to go after you?" Patch mused as he started patching Alejandro back up. "I've never really seen them go after a human before!"

"To tell you the truth, Doc, I have no idea, maybe that creep Dastardos wanted my 2,000 CC pants? I know he lives around here," Alejandro said from behind clenched teeth, "But let me tell you, you sure are lucky to live in _this_ village, even though he's so nearby."

"Hm?" Patch said, not looking up from his work.

"I've never seen so many gorgeous single girls in one place before!" Said Alejandro with a wistful sigh, and his death grip on the table relaxed. "And I know there's plenty of young men around, so I guess you all are batting for the other team, hm?" He gave Patch a very friendly pat on the back.

Patch's face burned so hard that he had to whirl around. "I-I-I need to get more b-b-bandages," He said as he dashed over to the cabinet and flung the doors open.

"_WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT?_" Patch hissed in Dastardos' mask.

"Punch him in the face!" Dastardos said a little too enthusiastically, bouncing in his seat.

_"Nnnnooooo,_ that's mean!" Patch's hands flew to his cheeks.

"Tch, you're so boring…" Dastardos clicked his tongue. "Just say the Village men are just not lucky with girls or something. That's bound to make him say an asshole comment."

"…fine," Patch shoved his hand through Dastardos' forehead to grab more bandages from the shelf behind him and slammed the cabinet shut without a thank-you.

"We're not um… too good with g-g-girls," Patch said as he knelt down to bandage a deep cut on Alejandro's foot. "I mean, I'm so busy with w-w-work to do anything besides sleep on my d-d-days off…"

"Ah," Said Alejandro with a nod, "Understandable. I barely have any down time since I get contracts left and right… I actually came to this village to get away from it all for a few weeks, would you believe?" He beamed a friendly smile down at Patch.

"Why would you w-w-want to get away from a life like that?" Patch didn't look up from his meticulous work.

"Sometimes you want to get away from it all, ya know?" Alejandro sighed and rested his hands on his thighs. "I wanted to come to this backwater village to keep away from the fawning fans, the intrusive cameras, all the gossip…"

"You certainly didn't escape all your fans," Said Patch bitterly.

"No, I don't mind the ladies! They're all quite lovely. I'd give my left foot to go steady with some of them! Especially Avalon Pendragonache-"

Patch yanked the bandage extra tight and Alejandro gasped out her last name.

"Certainly didn't expect her to be living in this backwater village!" Alejandro waved a hand lazily in the air, "But I don't blame her, a place where the village pub is the most interesting place certainly has its charm, don't you agree?"

Patch grunted that he needed antiseptic for the next wound and stomped over to the cabinet. He gave Dastardos a look that said "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY!"

Dastardos was holding a bottle of antiseptic on his lap and burst into a smirky grin at Patch's expression. "This guy's _too_ perfect, it's driving me up the wall…" he whispered. "Ugh, Avalon is such a snot…she never gives anyone the time of day and she's all over this new guy all of a sudden…"

"I can tell just by looking at this guy…" Patch snuck a glance at Alejandro and snatched the antiseptic off of Dastardos. "…that he takes an insane amount of Pretty Pills."

"Oh, _God…"_ Dastardos groaned. "You better not be falling for him, too. First Eddie, and now _you,_ what the f-"He was cut off by Patch sticking out his lower lip in exasperation and shutting the cabinet.

"So Doc, is there anything else to do around here besides play nurse?" Alejandro gasped as Patch put a little too much antiseptic on the large cut on his arm. He gave an unintentional whimper and bent his head over so that he chin was hitting his chest.

"I-I am kept _very busy_ so I wouldn't be the person to ask," Patch ground his teeth as he bound Alejandro's arm a little too tightly.

"Just wondering where I should take Avalon on our makeup date," Alejandro said with a shrug.

"Makeup d-d-date?" Patch's head yanked up.

"It'd be bad form to not finish up our very first date!" Alejandro beat his feet together in delight, "I'm not letting the chance of getting to second base get away from me! She has curves in all the right places," He licked his lips. "I'd love to get to see them up close."

Patch's ears turned red and he couldn't keep his hands from trembling as he tightened the cap of the antiseptic bottle. He stomped over to the cabinet and shoved it back in its place, right through Dastardos' shoulder. He gave the reaper an urgent look.

"_Please_ let me chop his dick off," Dastardos pleaded, his expression and tone alarmingly frantic. "I bet I could find a scalpel in here if I looked hard enough…!"

_"No!"_ Patch scolded. He never thought he'd find himself scolding Dastardos like he was a rebellious little child…and yet, here he was. "What do I _say_ to something so tactless? If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a man who treats women like they're objects…" Patch's voice caught.

"Tell him that Dastardos wants to make a brand new scarf out of his intestines," Dastardos ground his mask's uneven teeth and Patch could have sworn that he heard one of the ends of Dastardos' scarf let out a small whimper. "That'll put out his fire."

Dastardos was _mad._ When he was angry, the air around him grew heavy and just looking at him could send a chill down your spine. Patch shuddered audibly. "D-don't worry, Dastardos, I think I'm finally starting to understand why you and the others have so much malice towards this man…"

"It's _about time!"_ Dastardos buried his mask in his hands.

"E-excuse me," Patch shut the cabinet, not slamming it this time.

"What do you think, Doctor Patchingo?" Asked Alejandro as he cracked his neck. "If you had the time to choose, which lucky lady would you go for?"

"Uh, I-I," Patch bit his thumb as he suddenly noticed that Alejandro had been all patched up. He couldn't go to Dastardos for nasty inspiration…

"Or do you go for men?" Alejandro leaned forward, licking his lips again.

"A-Avalon," Patch said in a fluster. "Yes, s-s-she's a good choice. If I h-h-had to choose. But that's not how romance goes," Patch's stutter slowly vanished as his fists clenched, "You can't just chose a lady like you can a pair of pants!"

"If you say so, Doc," Alejandro ran a hand through his hair, "I don't know about you, but I'm good at picking out fine things, and let me tell you: she is the finest thing I've seen all month."

"I'm offended you think of her that way," Patch said, shoving his fists in his pockets, "There's more to her than just a pretty face! She's very good at what she does! _All_ the ladies here are good at what they do!"

"I'm sure they'll do just fine," Alejandro staggered to his feet and gave Patch a condescending pat on the back, "Although I'm going to be the judge of that, since you all are too _scared_ to touch them."

"No we're not!" Said Patch as he stiffened, "We just have tact! Man, if the ladies knew what you were saying…" He said, pointing a finger accusingly.

"You tell them and I'll break you," Hissed Alejandro as he reared himself up to his full height of 5'5.

"Oho!" Said Patch as he staggered back a pace. "Now you show your true colors."

"You have to know what you want, Doc," Said Alejandro in a low, gravely tone. "And then fight for it with all your might," He said as he rooted around in his pocket for a moment and slammed a handful of chocolate coins onto the blood-covered table.

"I know what I'm going for, Doc." He jutted his chin out and fixed Patch with a glare for a few moments. "Do you?"

Patch wrung his hands as Alejandro flounced out of the room. It was quiet enough in the clinic to hear Dastardos' scarves dragging against the floor as he glided to Patch's side.

It wasn't too quiet for long, though. "What a _douchebag!"_ Dastardos spat, his words dripping with venom. "You sure told him, though!" Dastardos bared his teeth and gave Patch a hearty smack on the back that was just a little too hard. "You didn't even stutter! _Wow."_

"A-a-are you actually c-complimenting _m-m-me?"_ Patch rested a hand on his chest, forgetting about his anger towards Alejandro for the moment.

"…guess I spoke too soon about the stuttering thing…" Dastardos huffed.

"I-I was really angry!" Patch's hands dropped to his sides and clenched into fists. "All of that just…slipped out!" He grinned a teeny little grin. "I'm sure glad I t-told him off. That jerk deserved it!"

"That jerk deserves much more than just being told off…!" Dastardos growled. "…but I'm still sorta glad you see things our way now." He flew in front of Patch and put his hands behind his back. "We shouldn't fight as long as this is going on."

"Wait, _w-w-what?"_ Patch retreated a bit in shock, his bangs shifted to reveal one extremely large eye.

"You heard me!" Dastardos scowled a little. "We swore brotherhood to the Man's Army, so I'm offering a truce. Say yes before I change my mind."

"A-after all the psychological t-torment you put me through…after all the insults you h-h-hurled my way…after all of my p-p-patients that you k-k-killed…you expect me to say yes just like _that?"_ Patch hugged himself, his voice distant.

"Yeah, drama queen, don't you want me to not bug you as much?" Dastardos planted his hands on his hips.

"YES!" Patch folded his hands under his chin, his one visible blue eye glimmering. He could practically hear an angelic chorus; the idea of never having to put up with Dastardos' bullying anymore was the most appealing thing he ever heard!

Dastardos made a face at Patch's eagerness. "Okay then, let's shake on it," Dastardos spat into his palm and held it out to Patch.

Patch wrinkled his nose and eyed Dastardos' hand with disdain.

"Don't be a baby, you're wearing gloves," Dastardos cocked a brow at Patch, grinning patronizingly.

"F-f-fine then!" Patch briefly shook Dastardos' skeletal hand. "I-I-I'm sure the other fellows will b-b-be happy to hear about t-this…" Patch smiled as he carefully removed his contaminated gloves and placed them on the counter, making a mental note to burn them later.

"Oh, me too, me too…" Dastardos smirked quietly to himself. He didn't quite have the heart to tell Patch that this truce would only last as long as Alejandro was around…oh well, that could be a little surprise.


	10. Eavesdropping

The next morning, Doctor Patchingo, Seedos, Eddie, Sparcticus, Bart, and Yoto were all loitering in front of Arfur's Inn, waiting for Dastardos to arrive. Patch was holding a little tied bag in his hands and beaming like a fool.

"Whatcha got there, Doc?" Yoto scampered to Patch's side and eyeballed what he was holding.

"It's for Dastardos," Patch stated as he held it away from the nosy tinker-in-training.

"Wait, _what?"_ Yoto jumped backwards, his eyes wide. Eddie and Seedos mirrored Yoto's expression and goggled at Patch.

Patch looked down at the bag, rather than face three pairs of questioning eyeballs. "H-h-he helped me with Alejandro yesterday," He fiddled with the bow, "And we've called a truce."

"Hot damn!" Yoto said as he crossed his skinny arms, "Miracles do happen in this village!"

"I actually got some work done yesterday, too," said Bart as he cracked his knuckles, "I asked everyone who called me out that afternoon about Alejandro!"

"Yes, and you did tell me the delicious tidbit that he absolutely freaks if you pull a camera out on him," Eddie tapped his rainbow clipboard with his palm. "I feel like we certainly could use that!"

"He's a vegetarian," Sparcticus grumbled, and when Eddie turned to look at him, his eyes narrowed to icy slits. "Sahari told me over Alert last night."

"And I've learned that he only raises the most expensive piñata," said Eddie, flipping through the stack of papers on his clipboard that had grown at an alarming rate for a single day, "I'm sure our resident piñata smasher can help with that."

"You talking about me?" Dastardos seemingly popped out of nowhere and glided up next to Eddie. Eddie jumped and edged away, but he bit his lip and nodded.

"Sorry, pal, I only kill sick ones, killing healthy ones is a bit _too_ cruel for my liking, even if I do hate this guy…" Dastardos shrugged and Eddie sighed with disappointment.

Seedos quietly lit up. Perhaps his brother did have some good in him after all!

"I can ask Pester to help us out, though," Dastardos smirked.

Seedos sighed softly. He knew it was too good to be true.

"Oh, no, I refuse to be in the same organization as that bloated buffoon!" Bart folded his arms and pointedly looked away.

"Relax, Bart, I wouldn't ask him to _join us,"_ Dastardos grimaced at the very idea of spending more time with his boss. "I just know for a fact that he can't resist smashing up rich people's piñatas!"

"It's true…" Eddie sighed. He had to pay Pester quite a bit of money these past few weeks just to keep him away from his prized Fourheads.

"Hmph, as long as I don't have to speak with him…" Bart sneered and waved Dastardos away. Dastardos was surprisingly sane, but Bart had suffered through enough P-Factor rounds with Pester to know very well that the Professor was hiding behind the door when they were handing out sanity.

"Fair enough…" Dastardos felt Patch's eyes on him and turned in his direction. Patch was beaming like a Fudgehog in a garden overrun with thistles. Dastardos couldn't help drifting backwards a few paces, "…why are you looking at me like that?"

"I-I-I made you these!" Patch scurried over to Dastardos and offered him the bag he was holding. "T-t-to celebrate our truce…"

Seedos and Yoto both leaned forward with interest. What on Earth could have happened that would make Patch willing to make Dastardos something? Patch was pretty much the kindest person in the Village, but if someone so much as mentioned Dastardos' name Patch would shout his hatred from the rooftops.

Dastardos cocked a brow as he opened the bag and chuckled in disbelief at its contents. "Cookies. Really? You made me _cookies?"_

"You made _HIM_ cookies?" Seedos squinted at Patch and Patch turned bright red.

"W-w-well, I wanted to do _s-something…"_ Patch rocked back and forth on his feet. "I never expected us to make up, so…"

"I don't eat, you moron," The nose of Dastardos' mask wrinkled.

"You don't _eat?"_ Yoto's hands flew to his mouth and his eyes bugged out. "I'm _so_ sorry…!"

"O-oh! You don't? Then how-!" Patch was about to pelt Dastardos with questions but he was interrupted by more of the reaper's criticisms.

"Not to mention these are horribly burned. Are you trying to poison me?" He plucked a blackened cookie out of the bag and gave it a very scrutinizing look. "These are practically charcoal!"

"N-n-n-no! I just-" Patch protested. Dastardos tossed the cookie over to a nearby Sparrowmint. The Sparrowmint promptly pecked it up, coughed, and then fell over ill. Dastardos put his free hand on his hip and looked at Patch accusingly.

"I-I never really was a g-g-great cook…" Patch sniffled and hung his head.

"I'll be the judge of that!" Yoto swiped the cookies from Dastardos' hand and ate one before anyone could say anything. "These aren't bad! I don't know what the hell's wrong with that Sparrowmint…" he said around the cookie, crumbs tumbling down his chin.

"T-those weren't for-oh, forget it…" Patch sighed and reached under his helmet to rub his temples.

Yoto couldn't hold in his energy any longer. "So," He sprayed crumbs everywhere, "Now that the creepy guy's here, I feel like now is the perfect time to get you guys' opinion on my poem!" He said with the biggest grin on his face a sane person should have.

"Oh, not _this_ again," said Bart as he buried his mask in his hands. He had listened to Yoto muse on this aloud for hours the night before, and had quite enough of listening to all the different little ways Yoto had devised to describe Storkos' face. "Yoto, I've told you before that this should under no circumstances be recited to _anyone_, let alone a lady that you want to bed!"

Yoto pointedly ignored his uncle. "Ahem," Yoto cleared his throat as he proudly unrolled a grubby little scrap of paper he had been keeping in his back pocket. He flipped it out with a flourish and ran through the words in his head before launching into:

"Oh, Storkos, you fly so fast and far

You help all the piñata

And you don't even own a car!

You're the most beautiful girl

Here on this Island

You make my head spin and whirl!

I want to go out on a date

Ditch that jerk Alejandro

And give me a kiss before it's too late!"

Yoto stopped and looked up at all the guys for approval, his manic grin still lingering on his face.

Bart groaned a little and hunched over even further. Why was he cursed with a nephew with little to no literary talent?

A stunned silence fell over the men. Yoto took that for a compliment and smiled confidently.

Seedos broke the silence with: "Yoto, if you read even _one line_ of that to my poor sister, I am going to kick your butt."

"PFFFT, what are you going to do? Seed me to death?" Yoto mocked. He never took Seedos' opinions too seriously. Seedos was a recluse who barely understood the differences between men and women, what the hell would he know about love poems?

"Try me," Seedos opened the top of his bad seed pouch so Yoto could see the contents. Seedos had an excess of prickly pear and thistle seeds that morning. Yoto swallowed loudly when he saw them.

He shook his head to regain his senses and glared at Seedos. "Well, you don't know the first thing about good literary…stuff, so I'm not trusting your opinion!" Yoto turned up his nose at Seedos.

Seedos let out a tiny growl as he closed his pouch with a sharp tug.

"Yoto…" Eddie wrinkled his nose. "I could write several essays on why that poem was _abysmal,_ but we have more important things to talk about than your complete inability to use the English language gracefully!" The other guys nodded in agreement and scowled at Yoto.

"All of you are _jerks,"_ Yoto sniffled and stuck the poem back into his pocket. "I'll show _all_ of you! I'll revise this and it'll be _amazing_ and Storkos will fall for me for sure!"

Eddie shook his head and walked into Arfur's without a word.

"Just keep telling yourself that, kiddo," Dastardos snorted and patted Yoto on the arm as he floated by.

Yoto pouted pointedly as the other guys passed right by him and headed into Arfur's. Patch stopped next to Yoto and gently patted his shoulder.

"D-d-don't worry, Yoto, there are plenty of other ways to impress a g-g-girl besides poetry…" Patch reassured.

"I bet Alejandro's poem sucked worse than mine…" Yoto's pout entered territory that no pout had ever gone before as he stomped into Arfur's Inn.

"So, now that we're all here," said Eddie, while everyone shuffled and sat down in their usual spots. Patch didn't scoot all the way over in his chair when Dastardos chose to perch next to him… somehow that made Eddie proud. They all were putting away their differences and uniting together to fight this cause! "I think we have more than enough information gathered in the past day to finally come up with a perfect plan to scare this man away for good!"

Sparcticus fished something from his pocket, and placed an apple in front of him. "We could stop wasting time and give him this," Sparcticus crossed his large forearms.

This was no ordinary apple. Instead of the usual large and bright apples that Sparcticus carried around, this one was a bit shriveled. A dangerous pattern wrapped its way around the apple, and it smelled sour.

"HA!" laughed Dastardos a bit too loudly, "you're still carrying that thing around with you!"

Sparcticus gave a glare so keen that Dastardos shut up and sat up straighter.

"I still think that's a bit too harsh, Sparcticus…" said Eddie as he chewed the end of his pen, "I don't want to _kill_ anyone."

"Speak for yourself," said Sparcticus.

"S-S-Sparcticus, if you w-w-want to know a less p-p-permanent way to h-h-hurt him…" Patch stopped speaking and looked over at Dastardos when he turned slightly transparent and ducked under the table. He followed the reaper's wide-eyed glance and followed suit.

Soon the entire Man's Army meeting was hiding under the table that was obviously too small for the entire congregation. Poor Sparcticus sighed in exasperation as his large form was crushed against a wall, Eddie practically seated in his lap.

Seedos accidentally backed into Dastardos, who sneered "Watch it, four eyes," before floating right through him to a spot with more room.

Seedos hugged his knees, his teeth chattering. Dastardos floating through you feels something akin to plunging your entire body into ice cold water. Yoto shushed him and pricked up his ears to eavesdrop.

"Avalon, you're up bright and early!" said Arfur as he reached up behind him and grabbed her a glass.

Her boots clicked along the floor as she made her way across to the bar, "Sadly," She said as she leaned over the bar with a sigh, her dark hair pouring over her face.

She was dressed up this chilly morning. Avalon had on a dark orange frock coat, with giant cuffs and trimmings in various shades of brown. Her giant gardening boots had been traded in with a more delicate pair, and her hair was done up in a big ponytail. A green scarf with sharp patterns completed the ensemble.

Dastardos gave a soft, low whistle. "Wonder what _she's_ all dressed up about…"

"I've never seen Avalon wear so many colors before…" Eddie stroked his chin. "I would assume that this outfit is to catch Alejandro's eye…"

"Oh, of_ course _it is…" Dastardos seethed. He should have known.

"Tell old Arfur about it," He said as he started pouring various things into the glass.

"Ah, something caffeinated, please, Arfur," said Avalon before she sighed again and stood back up. "_It's Alejandro_."

"I've heard a lot about that man recently."

"There's a lot to be said," said Avalon as she shoved her hands in her pockets, "We're going on a makeup date in an hour and I'm still not sure 'ow I feel about it."

"Go on," said Arfur, still concocting Avalon's drink. "I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'makeup date'… was there something to ruin the first one?"

Eddie realized that Arfur just might be on their side! He was milking Avalon for answers when they were hiding not 20 feet away! He quickly grabbed the pen from his clipboard and began frantically scribbling down notes, using the back of Yoto's head as a desk.

"Well, our first date was interrupted by something unusual: an entire pack of Mallowolves went after him and I escaped without a scratch!" Avalon gestured to herself, "I 'ad to drag 'im to Patch's to keep 'im from bleeding to death!"

"Ooh, that's unlucky," said Arfur.

"It was a cowardly move," hissed Avalon as she looked down her nose at the bartender.

"…'cowardly?'" Patch whispered, his lips barely moving. "You don't think she…?" he glanced at Dastardos.

"No," Dastardos shook his head. "She _couldn't_ know it was me…" his tone betrayed his stubborn expression. "Besides, I couldn't exactly go in there swinging, there's nothing cowardly about sending the Sours to do my dirty work…" He cracked his knuckles. "It's just more convenient."

"That's _one_ word for it…" Seedos grumbled and was pacified by a glare from Dastardos.

"That's certainly nice of him, wanting to continue things even though there was an obstacle," said Arfur as he handed the mug of hot drink over at Avalon.

"I thought so," She took a drink and couldn't help a rare grin from creeping over her face, "Oh man, Arfur, this is EXACTLY wot I needed."

"I always get my drinks right. But it sounds like you have your doubts, though," said Arfur, happy that Avalon was happy with her drink. She took another sip and Arfur motioned for her to keep going.

"Yes, 'e's nice but… well, I'm racing this afternoon and… 'e can't make it."

"Can't make your race?" Arfur's eyes grew as wide as his mask would let them. "I hope he has a good reason for that!"

"… 'E's taking Gretchen on a date right afterwards," She said before taking a long pull on her drink. "Says it's more important than seeing a dumb race."

"What an idiot!" boomed Arfur, "He doesn't want to see you race? That's like not wanting to see Jardiniero's garden back in the day!"

Avalon's expression grew more morose and she swirled the drink around in her mug, "Yeah, I know. I just… really wanted 'im to be there, yew know?"

"Why not ask one of the other village guys to come along?" Arfur said, leaning over the counter, "I bet any one of them would be pleased as punch to do so!"

Avalon laughed a little too loudly, "Are yew kidding?" She tried her best not to choke on her drink, "None of them 'ave any interest in me!"

"How can you be so sure?" said Arfur, leaning in even closer.

"Arfur," said Avalon, giving him a dead look, "I've been on the market for MONTHS and I 'aven't gotten a single good word from any of them. I find it 'ighly suspicious that someone would care now that they 'ave competition."

Bart had put his hat over his face to prevent any shouts of anger from slipping out as soon as he heard Gretchen's name.

"This is…good…!" Dastardos smiled. "Glad that douche is leaving Avalon alone."

"M-me too, but now we have another problem…" Patch looked over at Bart with concern.

"Uncle Bart, you okay?" Yoto jostled his uncle's shoulder and Bart shook his head, his grip on his hat tightening. "I think he's mad, you guys…" he whispered to everyone else.

"Don't worry, Bart, we'll make sure he doesn't lay a finger on Gretchen," Eddie reassured. Bart shifted his hat to give Eddie an aside glance. Eddie frowned when he saw Bart's expression; he could tell that he really didn't believe him.

"Maybe this is the incentive they needed?" Arfur offered, but Avalon cut him off before he could say anything else.

"That's a shitty excuse for finally being interested," Avalon sneered, sticking her hip out and planting a hand on it, "Yew know 'ow 'appy Gretchen is? She 'asn't been on a date in nearly a whole _year_."

"What, her?" Arfur said, reaching for a glass to clean, he needed something to distract him from this intense grilling. "That's news to me! I thought her schedule would be filled with hot dates!"

"She told me she suspects most people are intimidated by 'er, lord knows I understand 'er problem all too well," Avalon shook her head and placed a gloved hand to her chest.

"Ooh, Uncle Bart, you aren't the only one!" Yoto exclaimed as quietly as he could as he elbowed his uncle in the ribs.

"An entire _year?"_ Bart finally came out from behind his hat, his eyes wide with disbelief. "Gretchen is very well-known! She was Miss Piñata Island _twice_ and has been in more magazines than I can count…I figured she would have men knocking down her door!"

"Apparently not…" Seedos bit his nails. He was among the many, many men who found Gretchen inexplicably intimidating. He had a feeling Gretchen could toss him across the street further than he could spit.

"M-m-maybe you have a chance, B-B-Bart!" Patch encouraged, grinning at the tinker.

"Heh," Bart snorted. "Gretchen choosing a Transmorgrifiable Item Technician who's old enough to be her father over a famous actor…that's a laugh."

Patch's grin disappeared as quickly as it had come.

"Maybe the guys in this village aren't as savvy as you ladies think they are?" Arfur offered.

"It's their loss," said Avalon as she tossed her head back and downed the last of her drink. "And, to be quite frank, it's far too late for them to step up their game," She handed her mug back to Arfur. He immediately started to clean it with his nervous hands.

"Now, Avalon," Arfur said, keeping his attention on his mug and not Avalon's fierce eyes. "I don't think you're giving the men of this village enough credit! I mean, we have some very talented men living here! Bart's a very accomplished Tinker, Doc Patchingo's extremely good at what he does…"

"I'll cut Patch some slack because one, I like 'im and two, 'e's busy enough for three people," Avalon said as she fished around in her pockets, "But I 'ave no respect for boys 'oo sit around on their butts all day and expect things to be 'anded to them," She handed Arfur a Chocolate Coin that was obviously much more than her drink cost.

"Uh, let me break this for you," Arfur said as he groped around under the counter for small change.

"No, keep it," Avalon held her hands up, "And you're also free to tell that information to the rumor mill, by the way. Maybe it'll get some guys busy doing things they should be doing."

Arfur held his hand out to Avalon, and dropped the Chocolate Coin back in hers. "Since you're racing this afternoon, put this money on you. Shows at least I have faith in you. But don't you disappoint old Arfur, you hear me?"

Avalon gave Arfur a two-fingered salute before she spun on her heel and left the Inn.

"And that, boys," Arfur said a little louder, "Is how you get your information."

"Avalon's such a _bitch!"_ Dastardos exclaimed as he flew up from under the table.

"Dastardos…" Eddie looked at him accusingly as he straightened his tie. He walked right up to the bar and gave Arfur his best grin. "We really appreciate you helping us out, Mr. Stout! I got so much information from that conversation!" Eddie practically squealed as he riffled through the papers on his clipboard.

"No need to thank me!" Arfur winked at Eddie. "I just think you boys deserve the girls a lot more than some show-off actor does."

"I'm glad _someone_ thinks so…" Bart folded his arms as he thought of Avalon's speech to Arfur.

"Avalon does have a bit of a point, though…" Arfur mused. "Why _haven't_ you fellows made moves on any ladies yet?"

"W-w-w-well, I…" Seedos stuttered worse than Doctor Patchingo and his gaze fell to the floor. He fiddled with his pouch and suddenly went very quiet.

"I'm married to my job," Dastardos grinned so wide Arfur expected his mask to crack.

Bart barely resisted making a comment about how he didn't want Dastardos to breed.

"I-I-I'm too b-b-busy to t-talk to too many girls outside of b-b-business…" Patch spluttered, his cheeks pink.

"Storkos is busier than you, Patch!" Yoto frowned and attempted to run a hand through his messy hair. "I actually get nervous around her too, can you believe it? Me? _Nervous?"_ Yoto laughed as if he made the most hilarious observation on the planet.

Bart shook his head at his nephew before turning his attention to Arfur. "I was excellent with women back in my prime, but something about Gretchen makes my knees knock…" He huffed. _"No _woman ever had that effect on me before…"

"I have to be subtle with my advances towards _Maxime…"_ Eddie sighed her name. "If I try anything flowery, she gets angry with me!"

"I _love_ Sahari, Arfur," Sparcticus finally found his voice for the first time in a while. "I love her _so much_. I don't think she realizes what her talking with Alejandro is doing to me."

"Have you done anything to show her she's been hurting you, Sparcticus?" Arfur asked, crossing his arms and narrowing his already small eyes. "All relationships are founded on communication."

"She's been so scarce these past few days…" Sparcticus sighed. "She's probably following this guy around like a baby Barkbark…"

"I'm pretty sure the whole female population in and around the Village is…" Eddie sighed as well.

"I t-t-think your f-f-feelings are fairly obvious, Sparcticus…" The brow of Doc Patch's monkey helmet furrowed to mimic his expression as he turned to the towering man. "I-I'm surprised she hasn't n-n-noticed…"

"She hasn't been around _to_ notice…!" Sparcticus' hands clenched into fists.

"Sparcticus, I think it's about time you take charge," said Arfur as he hung up the freshly cleaned mug, "You've tried being subtle, but something tells me Miss Sahari isn't the type to pick up on subtleties…" He mused as he remembered the few P-Factor rounds he had shared with her. She never needed a microphone, especially when Sparcticus was the object of her judging…

"Hmm…" Sparcticus mused and suddenly went very quiet. _"There's_ an idea…" The corners of his mouth lifted up into a scheming smile and Eddie quietly edged away from him. Sparcticus was a friend of his, but he'd been acting so strange since Alejandro came to town…Eddie was starting to worry.

"Arfur," Yoto placed his palms on the counter and rocked back and forth. "All of these other guys say that my poem for Storkos sucks every kind of ball imaginable-"

"None of us said it like _that!"_ Eddie protested.

"I sure was thinking it…" Dastardos scoffed.

Yoto ignored them and resumed talking to the bartender. "…and they think I shouldn't read it to her. Well, _I_ think I should!" Yoto fished the poem from his pocket and placed it on the counter. "I think she'd appreciate it…I mean, that jerk Alejandro probably didn't even _write_ the poem he recited to her!"  
>"Alejandro recited poetry to Storkos?" Arfur reached for Yoto's poem but Bart snatched it away before he could take it.<p>

"You don't want to subject your eyes to this, good sir," Bart crumpled up the paper and Yoto opened his mouth to protest. "I don't want any lip from you, boy; you'll thank me one day!" Bart snapped at him and Yoto shut his mouth.

"Let's just get rid of the temptation," Bart said as he waved his hands around the ball of paper a few times. A glowing light surrounded the paper and in a flash, it was a paper crane!

"Woah," Yoto gaped. "Can I-" He reached out to touch it, but the moment his hand got close the crane flapped its wings and became airborne. It flew across the inn and out an open window before Yoto could do anything about it. Yoto's jaw dropped down to the floor and he stared after the crane, a single tear falling from under his mask.

"…I think you should try a different method, Yoto," Arfur offered with a sheepish smile at the tinker-in-training. "I think all of you should at least show _some_ interest in your ladies! Especially _you_, Bart, now that Alejandro is closing in on Gretchen."

"I can't just _approach_ her!" Bart folded his arms. "I'd need time to mentally prepare myself! Something about Gretchen is just so utterly…_stupefying!"_

"We can help psyche you up, Uncle Bart!" Yoto bounced, completely forgetting about the poem incident.

"Ha, you freeze if you hear fabric flapping in the breeze!" Bart's gaze swept over the other men. "And the rest of you don't exactly have a good record with women, either!"

"And you do…?" Dastardos challenged.

"Almost got hitched four times!" Bart nodded.

"F-f-f-_four?"_ Patch's eyes widened with surprise.

"I had cold feet every single time," Bart said nonchalantly. "But…that's all behind me now." His expression suddenly became distant. "Not a single one of them could compare to Miss Fetchem, I can tell you that much."

"Let us at least _try_ to help you!" Eddie felt a small tug in his heart when he saw Bart's expression. He didn't want someone like Alejandro to get in the way of Bart's feelings! "Gretchen deserves better than that…that…"

"Bastard?" Dastardos offered.

"Yes, what he said!" Eddie pointed at Dastardos.

Bart was quiet for a minute, carefully observing all these different guys. All united in one cause, and it seemed like every single last one really did want him to do his best. He looked down at his sandaled feet as he realized that this might be his one and only chance to have a shot at Gretchen…

"Fine, you ruffians," said Bart as he crossed his arms and frowned even harder. "You have permission to try and 'psyche me up,' but I am in no way making any promises!"

All of the other members of the Man's Army (minus Sparcticus) burst into enormous smiles. Yoto and Eddie let out a cheer and actually hugged each other in delight.

Bart shook his head. "You are just like a bunch of children…something has to be said for enthusiasm, though."

Yoto and Eddie finally realized what they were doing and broke apart. Eddie made a big show of brushing himself off.

"D-d-don't worry, Bart," Patch brightened like the sun bursting through clouds. "We'll do our b-b-best to help you!"


	11. Bart's House

The men had all assembled at Bart's dwelling. All of them stood in Bart's combined kitchen/living room/dining area, milling about and giving interested glances around the room. Bart and his nephews all shared a tiny little house on the outskirts of the village. It was a very fascinating place, filled with things Bart was half-tinkering with. Bart was pacing about in front of them as he stroked his chin ponderously.

Yoto was perched on one of the couch arms, his eyes following his pacing uncle. Eddie and Patch shared the tiny couch, Patch not too pleased at being in such close proximity to Yoto and his unpleasant-smelling greasy hair. Sparcticus leaned on the back of the couch and Seedos sat pretzel-legged on the floor, Dastardos floating next to him.

"Bart, if you want to motivate yourself to speak to Gretchen, just think about what you like about her!" Eddie suggested as he carefully touched a potted lily that was perfectly orange on one half, and perfectly purple on the other. He briefly considered sneaking it out under his jacket.

"I-is it how smart she is?" Doc Patch offered. "I-I always admired her knowledge on p-p-piñatas…"

"Or is it how she dresses?" Eddie sighed a bit. "Now _there's_ a woman who knows fashion! Her scarf is quite a statement, not to mention that having an extra pair of arms must be quite practical!" He giggled to himself.

"Or are you one of those weirdos who likes women who can beat you to a pulp?" Yoto made a face as he beat a fist into his palm.

"It's all of that and more! _Much_ more!" Bart nodded vigorously and knelt down to open a low drawer on his counter. "What sort of blind fool couldn't fall for _this?"_ He turned around with a magazine in his hands. He shook it and the centerfold came tumbling out. He grinned devilishly as he straightened it.

Patch let out an entirely unmanly shriek and looked away, his hands covering his mouth and his face blazing red. Dastardos didn't react much besides raising a brow, but his scarves leapt up and covered Seedos' eyes. Sparcticus frowned and turned his gaze to the window. Eddie let out a little "…oh," and his face flushed.

"UNCLE BART!" Yoto exclaimed, his face contorted with disgust.

Bart laughed uproariously. "And you call yourselves men!"

The centerfold was a photo of Gretchen, stark naked and maskless with a sheet held up to her chest. She was looking over her bare shoulder at the camera, her full lips parted and a 'come hither' look in her green eyes. Her dark hair was out of its usual ponytail and tumbling down her back.

"U-u-u-u-u-uh," spluttered Patch, like an automobile underwater.

"Uncle Bart, that's gross!" Yoto grabbed at the magazine, but Bart made it disappear in a flourish of fingers.

"Strange, I thought you fellows would understand," Bart frowned at the cluster of flustered men.

"Well, if you've already seen that much of her, why are you scared?" Seedos asked as Dastardos' scarves quickly slithered back into their usual limp position.

"Seedos, there's more to romance than seeing someone's bare face!" Bart rubbed the forehead of his mask. "I've courted _many_ women in my time, you need to make conversation and impress them before things can get romantic!"

"D-d-does she k-know that you have…well, t-t-that p-picture?" Doc Patch was still spluttering like popcorn in hot oil.

Bart squinted at him. "She knows very well that she took it, but she'll never find out I own the magazine if I can help it."

Dastardos turned to Patch, who had begun sweating bullets at this point. "What's with you?" Dastardos asked, giving Patch an odd look. "You're a _doctor._ I'm 100% sure that wasn't the first naked woman you ever saw!"

"Do you act like that every time you have to examine a woman?" Eddie couldn't help an amused smirk from crossing his face. "Hm, no wonder they don't flock to you…"

"No, of course not, that's different!" Patch's tone became defensive, but he melted back into stuttering when he said: "I-it's very different if it's in a _d-d-d-dirty magazine_…! I'll never be able to look at G-Gretchen the same way!"

"Me either…" Seedos had only gotten a fleeting glance before Dastardos' scarves blocked his eyes, but that was enough for him.

"It's not _that_ dirty…" Bart grumbled. "But enough about that! We need to come up with a-" Bart was cut off by a loud beeping sound. "What in blazes is _that?"_

"S-s-s-sorry! That's my…" Patch fished his Alert System out of his pocket, jiggling it around as he trailed off. He looked at the screen and his eyes grew big behind his blonde bangs. "O-oh dear, is it that t-time already?"

"Time for what?" Yoto raised a brow at the doctor.

"Do you have an appointment with someone?" Eddie asked, his tone much more polite.

"N-no, yes, k-kind of," Patch smiled sheepishly. "I-I feel bad that I can't h-help, but Avalon's r-r-race is starting shortly, and if Alejandro won't go to support her, I feel like someone from this Village should-er, that someone being me."

"Well, never mind, that's a top-notch idea!" Bart said, patting Patch on the back. "Give her some positive reinforcement for forgetting about Alejandro!"

"I-I'm glad you agree," Patch's cheeks flushed as he peeked down at his alert system again. "I didn't want to go alone, though," He fiddled with his fingers before looking up at Dastardos. His face reddened again and his attention zipped back down at his hands, "I ah, uh, wanted to ask if you wanted to come along with me, Dastardos. It could be like a g-g-guy's afternoon out? I have a feeling you get out as much as I d-d-do, and I uh, think it'd be a good way to celebrate our truce…"

Seedos involuntarily shook his head at Patch. The poor doctor had no idea what he was getting into by attempting to befriend his arch-enemy…this could only end in tears.

Much to Seedos' surprise, Dastardos said: "Sure, whatever."

Patch beamed like Langston Lickatoad in a room full of prizewinning Piñatas and grabbed Dastardos' scarf. "Let's go, or we'll be late!" He joyously dragged Dastardos towards the door, Dastardos commanding Patch to let go of him all the while.

"…well, that was certainly something!" Seedos proclaimed once Dastardos and Patch left.

"I'm happy for them; their hatred used to be _palpable!"_ Eddie shook his purple head.

"Yeah, what do you guys think happened between those two?" Yoto asked, the expression on his mask suggested a hint of disgust.

"I don't think either of them would appreciate us prying into their business," said Seedos quickly, with a nervous grin that flitted across his face like a Flutterscotch across a daisy.

"I agree," Sparcticus grumbled to life, an ominous tone to his already grumbly voice, "I don't like people asking about _my_ business, and I _especially_ don't make it a habit pestering others about their private affairs."

"Well, at least that Dastardos fellow isn't around for now," Bart said, rubbing the side of his mask, "I don't know about you all, but he absolutely _terrifies_ me sometimes. Can't help but heave a sigh in relief knowing that I won't have _him_ cheering me on."

Nobody said anything, but there was an atmosphere of agreement.


	12. At The Racetrack

"All righty, t-t-then," said Patch as he sat down next to Dastardos, a little ticket clutched in his left hand, "I think I'm all s-s-set!"

Dastardos had picked out a spot at the very end of the half-circle of benches around the racing track. The village's racing track wasn't anything impressive, in fact, it could be called shoddy at some parts. But it had all it really needed; a racetrack, seats for the spectators, a tower for official race business, and lots and lots of splinters.

"What do you have over there?" Dastardos leaned in closer to see what was in Patch's hand.

"O-O-Oh! I just made a bet on Avalon!" Patch smiled a very toothy smile.

"Pshh!" Dastardos waved Patch's hand away, "You know that's all a scam, right?"

"I wanted to s-s-show Avalon how much I b-b-believe in uh, her skills!" Patch said, pocketing the ticket. He was distracted suddenly, and leapt out of his seat, ambling down towards the lower seats. "H-H-Hey, Avalon!" He said, waving out onto the track. Avalon and three other people were all milling about on various piñata. Today's race was all medium-sized and up piñata, so they all had mounted riders. Avalon had just climbed up onto an absolutely gargantuan red Horstachio with a braided tail.

Avalon was too caught up in adjusting her horses' bridle that she didn't hear Patch's dithering.

Dastardos showed up right next to Patch and whistled a sharp, short note.

Avalon and several other racers looked up.

"Patch!" Avalon said, kicking her Horstachio in that direction. "Wot a surprise! Wot're yew doing 'ere!" She exclaimed, a rare smile on her face.

"I just w-w-wanted to show you my support!" Patch grinned and waved his ticket. "I even made a s-s-straight bet on you!"

"Wot, really?" Avalon looked absolutely aghast, a hand on her chest. "I-I'm flattered, Patch, really! Yew took time out of your busy schedule to see me run a silly little race!"

"You're not going to thank _me_ for coming?" Dastardos cocked a brow at Avalon as he pointed to himself, a teasing smirk on his mask.

"Why would I thank _yew_ for coming?" Avalon squinted at him. "Yew've scared off 'alf the crowd!"

Patch and Dastardos both looked over their shoulders at the stands behind them. Sure enough, the crowd had dispersed significantly since Dastardos had made his entrance.

"So I have!" Dastardos laughed uproariously and the remaining spectators shifted in their seats. They would have run for the hills as well if they hadn't made large bets on the race.

"S-s-sorry, Avalon!" Patch wrung his hands. "I-I wouldn't have b-b-brought him if-"

"Why did yew even bring him in the first place?" Avalon crossed her arms and gave Patch an accusing look. He wilted under her gaze and started one of his signature spluttering sessions.

"Hey," another one of the racers, a dark-skinned fellow with a pointy birdlike mask, cut into the conversation. "Sorry to interrupt, but can you grill your friend later? We have a race to run!"

"Ach, fine!" Avalon called back. She shook her head around and drew the reins higher, turned to Patch and Dastardos, and smiled, "Wish me luck!"

"Um, well, uh, good luck," Patch dithered, still flustered about what excuse he could possibly tell Avalon for dragging his most hated enemy out.

"Kick their asses!" shouted Dastardos with a spiteful grin.

Avalon raised an eyebrow, "Of course," and gave the two a quick, two-fingered salute before tugging her Horstachio around to the starting line.

Patch ambled over to one of the front benches, and Dastardos soon drifted next to him. A man spoke over the loudspeakers for a few minutes as the racers lined up. First, there was the dark man with the bird mask on a Chocstrich, then tiny Maxime on a Limeocerous, then Avalon on her Horstachio, and finally a nervous-looking woman with a pointy hood that covered half her face. She was riding a wispy Zumbug that kept giving Avalon's Horstachio nervous looks.

"_Racers! Get ready!_"  
>The tension in the crowd was palpable as dozens of hands clenched on tickets that they hoped would bring them cold, hard, chocolate cash. The racers all leaned down a little farther, and their piñatas all gave their competition one final glare.<p>

Avalon yanked back on her Horstachio's reins and he reared up on his hind legs, jumping forward just as the buzzer sounded. She got a head start, as other racers seemed dumbfounded for a moment before urging their piñata on.

"I'm really excited a-a-about this," Said Patch as he bounced in his seat, "I've heard lots of err, good things about Avalon's racing!"

"Good racer or not, she's still a bitch…" Dastardos grumbled. "She should be honored that I bothered to come! I don't exactly get out much, you know."

"Y-you shouldn't be so selfish," Patch shook his head, keeping his eyes on the racetrack.

"It's hard not to be selfish when the only person I can rely on is myself…" Dastardos grumbled, his words drowned out by a good portion of the crowd, including Patch, bursting into a cheer when Avalon pulled even further ahead from the other racers.

"S-sorry, what was that?" Patch asked Dastardos once the cheering died down.

"I said, isn't that Fannie Franker?" Dastardos burst into a mocking grin as he pointed at the Chocstrich, which was lagging behind the other racers, its jockey gritting his teeth in irritation.

"T-t-that's mean!" Patch finally turned his head towards Dastardos, the eyes of his monkey mask scowling.

Dastardos barked a laugh. "You obviously don't know me too well if you expect anything else from me!"


	13. Sparcticus Gets Pissed

"Why won't you tell us what you're planning, Uncle Bart?" Yoto groaned, lying on his back on the couch, his legs resting on an irritated Eddie's lap. Bart and Seedos were kneeling on the floor, Seedos' backpack open between them. Seedos was rooting through his bag, the brow of his mask knitted in immense concentration.

"I'm not sure if I'll even get the chance to do it!" Bart turned towards his nephew. "It's one of my more impressive Tinkering tricks, though! It's _much_ more remarkable if you don't know what's going to happen in advance!"

"Whatever you say…" Yoto shrugged dismissively and lolled his head back over the couch arm.

"…hey, Sparcticus, you've been so quiet-er, more quiet than usual," Eddie shifted to face the Piñarctican, who was still standing by the window, gazing out of it with a distant look in his dark eyes. "Are you all right?"

Eddie received a grumpy grunt in response. He sighed and blew a rebellious lock of violet hair out of his eyes. Sparcticus was _really_ starting to concern him. Didn't he know that talking about his problems would help?

"Will these do the trick?" Seedos finally said, holding out eight colorful seeds in his open palms.

"These are just the ticket!" Bart exclaimed joyously, taking the seeds and pocketing them. "Don't worry, boy, they'll be in very good hands."

Seedos smiled gratefully at Bart. "I hope they serve you well!"

Bart opened his mouth to thank Seedos, but all of a sudden Sparcticus gasped and went running out the door, knocking over one of Bart's end tables in the process, shattering several picture frames and breaking two of the table's legs.

"HEY!" Bart exclaimed, impulsively taking off after Sparcticus, shouting reprimands all the way.

"What's going on?" Yoto leapt off of the couch.

"Sh-should we follow them?" Seedos zipped up his backpack and pulled it on as quickly as he could.

"We better! I've never seen Sparcticus get provoked like that!" Eddie jumped to his feet and the three boys rushed out the door.


	14. Sparcticus Gets Even More Pissed

Sparcticus was seeing red at this point. He had just seen Sahari walking down the street with Alejandro, laughing joyfully with her arm in his. Sparcticus stepped in front of them and they came to a halt. Bart skidded to a stop when he saw the scene before him and took several steps back. He could already tell this wouldn't end well; there was no way he would get involved in _this…_

_"Sparty?"_ Sahari yanked her arm out of Alejandro's. "What are you-"

"You _know_ this guy?" Alejandro took a step back, his eyes wide. Sparcticus wasn't looking like himself at all. He was grinding his teeth and breathing heavily, his hands balled into fists and a white-hot hatred burning in his eyes. "Wh-what do you want?"

_"Hello, _Alejandro," Sparcticus took a step forward, his voice simmering. "I believe you have something that belongs to me…" He cracked his knuckles loudly, an unnerving smile crossing his mask's lips.

Seedos, Eddie, and Yoto caught up with Bart just in time to see Sparcticus throw a punch right into Alejandro's face, a loud _CRACK!_ echoing through the air as his mask broke. Sparcticus' onslaught didn't end there, though. He kept beating on Alejandro, completely deaf to Sahari's protesting.

"Ohhh my…" Eddie retreated behind Yoto and peeked over his shoulder. "I knew something was wrong, but I never would have seen _this_ coming!"

"…on second thought, maybe he _doesn't_ owe me a new table…" Bart grumbled.

The aggressive scene lured all of the shopkeepers out of their stores, all of them exclaimed in shock when they saw what was going on…minus Petula, who exclaimed with joy.

"Oh my GOSH, this is the most exciting thing that's happened in _months!"_ she laughed joyously and pulled out her Alert system. She put it into camera mode and began filming Sparcticus thrashing Alejandro, who was far too shocked too fight back.

"Petula!" Leafos grabbed the system right out of Petula's hands and hit 'End' several times. "That's rude! What you should do is call Doctor Patchingo! Alejandro is going to get seriously hurt if this keeps up!"

"Hey!" Petula grabbed at the Alert System. "What kind of girl can't appreciate a good guy fight? What are you, _celibate_ or something?"

Leafos raised an eyebrow at Petula's stupid comment, but didn't let it affect her. "I'm borrowing this to call Doc Patch," Leafos was a head taller than Petula, so she easily held the Alert System out of her reach. "I'll give it back when I'm done!"

Petula, out of breath from jumping for her Alert System like a Kittyfloss after a Sparrowmint, slumped and pouted in defeat as Leafos dialed Patch's number.

Langston sighed from where he sat perched on a fencepost. "Leafos is _so _responsible…" he swooned, putting his stubby little front legs together.

Patch's Alert System began playing a merry tune just as the semifinal lap began. "O-oh dear…" He pulled it from his pocket and flicked it open. "H-hello? Leafos?" His one visible eye grew very, very large. "A-Alejandro? What about Alejandro?"

"Hey," Dastardos yanked the Alert System from Patch and held it up to his own ear. "Sorry, Doctor Patchingo is too busy for that bastard. Have a good day!" With that, Dastardos threw Patch's Alert System all the way down to the racetrack, where it was promptly trampled and destroyed by all four of the racing piñatas.

Dastardos grinned at Patch, who looked back and forth between the remains of his Alert System and Dastardos, his jaw practically on the ground.

"There, I just saved you some trouble," Dastardos brushed his hands together. "Leafos probably recognized my voice, so they'll all blame me when you get back to the Village."

"I-I c-c-can't b-believe you!" Patch blubbered. His hands and his lower lip trembled as tears flowed down his cheeks.

"Are you _crying?_ Really?" Dastardos leaned back in his chair, his mask twisted in a mixture of amusement and confusion. "I can't believe _you!_ I just saved you a whole lot of trouble! You can have a day off and blame me breaking your Alert System as the cause!"

"W-what if someone's piñata gets sick? W-what if a P-P-PERSON gets really sick? I won't know that I need to h-help them if my Alert System is _b-b-broken!"_ Patch buried his face in his gloves and let out a big, ugly sob.

"Hey," said Dastardos as he crossed his skinny arms, "I agreed to not pay any attention to _my_ job when we're doing this army thing," He showed Patch the screen of his Alert System. It said in giant red letters:

**MISSED CALLS: PROFESSOR PAIN-IN-THE-ASS (115). **

"I'd like it if you do the same."

"B-But, I do g-g-g-good!" Patch sniffed his nose really hard. "You j-just float around and ruin p-p-people's days!"

Dastardos heaved a long sigh and screwed up his mouth. He was thinking very carefully about what to say when everyone else in the crowd leapt to their feet and let out one giant cheer. The loudspeaker crackled to life and blared:

_"First place in this afternoon's race is Avalon Pendragonache, on Achilles, and next is Amanda…"_

"See, look, you won!" said Dastardos as he yanked the good doctor to his feet. "Stop sniveling and go get your money!"

Patch stood there, looking like a wet Kittyfloss.

"GO!" said Dastardos as he pushed Patch in the back. Patch let out a loud sigh and shuffled off with his head down.

"SPARTY!" yelled Sahari for the 15th time, but Sparcticus was far too busy pounding Alejandro's face into the road.

Enough was enough! Sahari honestly had a lot of difficulty putting into words how shocked she was. Her little hands balled into fists and she stood up a little straighter.

_"SPARCTICUS FROSTMOURNE!"_ she screamed in a little screechy voice.

Sparcticus immediately dropped Alejandro and turned his head goobaaishly towards Sahari.

"Come. Here," she said, little bits of emotion leaking into her voice.

Sparcticus slowly lumbered over towards Sahari. He knew he was in trouble.

Sahari motioned for him to come closer with a finger. He leaned down and…

SLAP!  
>"You idiot!" she hissed, tears pricking the corners of her eyes, "Just what do you think you were doing?"<p>

Alejandro moaned a little from the ground.

"I…well…" Sparcticus looked over at his shoulder at Alejandro and his eyes suddenly grew very, very big. _Did I do that?_ Sparcticus wondered as he took in the scene before him. Alejandro's arm was twisted at a sickeningly odd angle and blood leaked from his mouth and nose. His clothes were torn and red marks that would surely become bruises later down the line covered a good portion of his exposed flesh.

"Sparty, we need to talk," Sahari grabbed Sparcticus' sleeve and began to pull him away. Eddie, Seedos, and Yoto all glanced at each other and began slowly ambling after the two of them, Petula eventually joining the three nosy boys in hopes of eavesdropping. "ALONE," Sahari glared over her shoulder at them as she led Sparcticus into the dark space between two shops.

The four of them halted sheepishly for a moment, but Yoto and Petula wound up scuffling forward into eavesdropping distance anyway.

"Explain," Sahari said, seeming much taller than her tiny height of five foot one.

Sparcticus opened his mouth and she interrupted him.

"No flapyackshit," hissed Sahari, and made a motion for him to continue.

Sparcticus exhaled and suddenly looked very, very guilty. "I was _angry,_ Sahari! You've been spending all of your time with him instead of me…and talking about him all the time…so I thought that…" He felt a wetness in the corner of one of his eyes, but he blinked it away. "I thought that you were going to leave me for him."

"SPARTY!" Sahari said sharply, but took a deep breath and started again. "Sparty, you big dummy, why would you ever think that I'd leave you for ANYONE? Alejandro's a cool guy, but he's not my boyfriend!"

"Then why have you been _ignoring_ me?" Sparcticus' tone was much harsher than he would have liked, and he bit his lip as he awaited Sahari's response.

"I haven't been IGNORING you," Sahari's tone heated up again, "I've been giving you time away from me! I distract you from your gardening too much; I thought you'd take that time to catch up on things!"

"So you spend all of your time with another man?" Sparcticus folded his arms and averted his eyes, looking rather hurt.

"Sparcticus," Sahari shook her head. "I never would have pegged you as the jealous type…let alone someone who would beat up another guy just for hanging out with his girlfriend!"

"I saw how you looked at him," Sparcticus growled. "And I know how he is! He's going after every woman in town, don't you know that?"  
>"I was just a bit starstruck…" Sahari looked down at her feet, her tone finally turning guilty. "He starred in my favorite movie, you know! <em>Enter the Dragonache!<em> Meeting a star like that, especially one that wants to hang out with you, doesn't happen every day!" She folded her little arms and looked right into Sparcticus' eyes. "I could care less about the other girls getting involved; I had no romantic intentions towards him, I just thought he was awesome!"

Sparcticus' cold front completely melted away and his brow creased. "Oh, Sahari, I'm so sorry…" He crouched and reached out to embrace her but she leapt out of his reach.

"Are you kidding? You'll have to work hard to make up for embarrassing me like that!" Sahari pouted and put her hands on her hips. "I'm _not_ going to dump you, but you made quite a scene!"

Sparcticus slumped. "…yeah, I did."

"Look, you big lug…" Sahari took his hand and he looked at her hopefully. "Buy me lunch and some gardening supplies and we'll call it even." She smiled at him. She really couldn't stay mad at him for long.

"So I have to buy you back, then?" Sparcticus said with mock-hurt.

"It could be worse!" Sahari squeezed his hand and her smile became a grin. "You're lucky I'm easy."

Sparcticus and Sahari strolled hand-in-hand out of the alley and Petula and Yoto leapt out of their line of sight. Yoto stuck out his lower lip as they walked by, waiting a few moments before heading back to Eddie and Seedos.

"Look at them," he pointed at Sahari and Sparcticus as they strolled right by the still-injured Alejandro without batting an eye. "…maybe _we_ should try beating up Alejandro in front of our girls too…"


	15. The Tinker and the Huntress

Bart made his way across the village towards Gretchen's shop. He paid very little attention to where he was going, since his thoughts were so jumbled up. _It honestly isn't a big deal_, he berated himself, _just walk in there and do your HEY PRESTO act and maybe she won't pick you up and throw you out on the street like yesterday's rubbish…_

He stopped in his tracks when he realized Gretchen was standing in front of her shop, her arms crossed and a vaguely irritated expression on her mask. She was wearing a rather revealing pink dress that was followed by a train of different shades and patterns of green. Her shoes had little bows of magenta on them that matched the bow on her loose braid.

Bart fought all urges to dive into Arfur's and have a quick drink to steel his nerves. _Steady on, old boy._

"Good afternoon, Gretchen!" Bart said as cheerfully as he could, tipping his hat just so. "You look stunning!"

"Hey Bart," Gretchen gave him a little wave as she kept her eyes trained down the road.

"Might I ask what's put a Buzzlegum in your bonnet?" Bart sidled closer to her.

"Alejandro asked me out to get some food, but he said he'd be here twenty minutes ago… Should have known he'd stand me up," She sighed and shifted her weight to her other hip. "You know, I _did_ see a commotion in the village not too long ago," said Bart as he leaned on the same wall, "Apparently Sparcticus beat Alejandro to a bloody pulp because he was being too friendly with his little lady friend…"

"Wait a minute," Gretchen's eyes narrowed as she turned towards Bart, "You said he was going around with Sahari?"

"Not just Sahari," Bart said breezily, secretly delighted he had found something that caught her attention, "He and Avalon were rather serious not too long ago-"

"You mean he's been going around with other girls, and he had the NERVE to ask me out too!" Gretchen spat, suddenly standing up straighter.

"Wait, you didn't know?" Bart staggered back a step, "I thought _everyone_ knew he was escorting with a different lady every afternoon!"

"I wouldn't have even agreed to this if I had known!" Gretchen sighed and her angry demeanor fell for a moment, letting a bit of her true feelings slip through, "I wouldn't have gone though the trouble of dressing up if I knew he was just toying with me…" Bart's heart tugged at her sullen tone and he felt a sudden blaze of bravery flare up inside him.

"I cannot stand for this!" Bart said, touching her shoulder, "It pains me to think that someone such as you should be insulted in such a way… In fact," Bart picked the seeds from his pocket and waved one hand around his open palm. In a flash of bright light, there was a colorful bouquet of flowers in the same hand. He held them up to her and tried to keep his breathing steady, "Would you do me the honor of letting me accompany you to a late lunch?"

Gretchen went silent and her lips parted as she gazed at the flowers. Bart felt his heart sink into his stomach. He shouldn't have bothered coming, this was a terrible idea, Gretchen was going to kick him right in the-

The corners of her mouth turned up into a smile. "Well, looks like this won't be such a lousy day after all…" She took the flowers from Bart. "Wait one second, I want to put these into a vase and get my purse." She walked back into her shop, leaving Bart with his jaw on the ground.

Bart barely resisted the urge to burst into a victory dance in the middle of the road. "Thank you, Sparcticus, for your spontaneous act of violence…!" he said to himself with a grin.


	16. Patch's Reward

"J-J-Just look at all this!" Patch spluttered as he shoved a bag bursting with Chocolate Coins at Dastardos. "T-this is enough to buy TEN Alert Systems!"

"See, things aren't so bad!" Dastardos gave Patch a slap on the back that was a wee bit too hard. Patch nearly keeled over.

The two were dawdling on the racing circuit, waiting for a crowd of people to leave Avalon alone. Patch really wanted to show Avalon how much he trusted in her.

"'Ey, boys!" said Avalon as she led her Horstachio over to them. "Surprised yew two are still sticking around!" Her win had obviously put her in a much better mood than before.

"J-J-Just look at this!" Patch nearly cried in excitement as he lifted up his bag of winnings. "I knew you w-w-wouldn't let me down!"

"Geez, Patch!" Avalon grinned, "Yew didn't do bad for a first-timer! Wot about yew?" She raised an eyebrow at Dastardos. "Yew win anything, or yew just come by to ruin people's days?"

"I can't even do anything with money, _Avalon,"_ Dastardos rolled his good eye. "And I came here because _he_ asked me to come." He jerked his thumb in Patch's direction.

"…I thought yew two _'ated_ each other!" Avalon looked absolutely dumbstruck, which was a rare state to put her in.

"I-it's a long, long story…" Patch's grip on the bag tightened. "The short version is we had to make a t-t-truce for the greater g-good."

"…Well, Patch, if yew're trying to befriend 'im, good luck," Avalon had a million questions, but she figured it would be better not to ask them.

"Why does no one have any faith in me?" Dastardos said with a very obviously fake pout on his mask.

Avalon fixed Dastardos with a look that screamed "must I really put up with this?" and then decided that the confrontation wasn't worth it. "Anyways, thank yew so much for coming, Patch," Avalon said as she jumped forward and gave Patch a surprisingly affectionate embrace. He completely locked up, his limbs stiffening. He eventually managed to give her a quick little hug back. "I wasn't expecting anyone to come and it's always nice to 'ave a friendly face in the crowd. You're my knight in stuttering armor!"

A blush bloomed on Patch's cheeks and he spluttered: "I-i-it was no t-t-trouble!"

"I feel so damn _welcome…"_ Dastardos groused with immense sarcasm, his signature grumpy expression overtaking his mask as his gaze fixed on Avalon.

Avalon stroked her chin for a moment before sighing and saying "All right, FINE. Even though I don't know why _yew_ showed up, _thanks_," She cautiously pulled him into a hug.

Dastardos didn't hug her back. He just stood there with a stunned expression on his mask that frankly surprised Patch. Doc Patch expected Dastardos to float through Avalon and shout something at her any moment now, but he never did.

When Avalon finally broke away, Dastardos scoffed a bit and averted his eyes. "You're welcome...Avalon," he said simply, trying to keep his face as blank as possible.

"Aww, he doesn't look too excited for 'is first 'ug," She said, patting him on the head, a very smirky smile on her face.

Dastardos frowned harder than he ever had in his life, his face blazing beneath his mask. He said nothing; God damn it, what was it about Avalon that made it extra hard for him to come up with snappy comebacks? He should try to come up with some beforehand one day, just in case he ran into her …

"W-W-Well, um," Patch edged closer to Avalon, grabbing her hand and shaking it, "Uh, well, thanks for winning A-A-Avalon, I'm not going to be w-w-worried about spending money for a l-long time!"

"Anytime, Patch," Avalon said as she enthusiastically shook Patch's hand in return. His monkey helmet bounced against his shoulders and his teeth chattered together. "I suppose yew two are off now to do wotever yew two do now that yew are friends?" Avalon couldn't help but think they were both trying to play her for a fool, but she was happy to play along.

Dastardos opened his mouth to snap "None of your business," but he decided against it. He bit his lip and looked at Patch for support.

Patch leaned in close to Avalon and cupped his hand so that Dastardos could also hear, "Arfur made us a bet for free drinks for the rest of the month if we can pretend to be friends for a few days!"

"Ooooooh," Avalon's eyes crinkled as she smiled even wider, "I gotcha, well, I won't distract yew two from your brotherly play dates," She gave both of them a cheeky wink before heading over to the prize table. Her Horstachio remained, glaring at Dastardos with primal rage until Avalon clicked her tongue. It snorted and swished his tail at Dastardos as he cantered behind Avalon.

Patch turned his gaze to Dastardos and raised an eyebrow.

"Good cover," Dastardos whispered to Patch before turning away from Avalon. "Let's get out of here, though. I've had enough of this place."

"I-I better go check up on Alejandro, as m-m-much as I hate to admit it," said Patch as he watched Avalon for a moment, "W-Whatever that was, it sounded urgent…"

"Fine, if you _have_ to..." Dastardos scoffed, hoping that he delayed Patch enough so Alejandro would die from whatever was ailing him.


	17. Herbal Remedies

Meanwhile, Alejandro was doing his best to keep it together. No matter who called the doctor, it went right to his answering machine. The villagers offered him what little things they could; a handful of pain relievers from Petula's purse, a few Band-Aids and a ribbon to hold Alejandro's mask to his face were Leafos' donations. All the menfolk of the village disappeared rather quickly. Alejandro knew there was only one person he could go to for help.

He dragged himself to the woods bordering the village and called out once, "Leena!" He knew she lived somewhere out here, but all the trees looked alike to him. He called her name once more and a ladder suddenly dropped down from one of the nearby, thick-trunked trees.

"A-Alejandro? That's you, right?" Leena's soft voice asked as she skittered down the ladder.

"Yes, it is…ugh…" Alejandro clutched his hip. Sparcticus had kicked him far, far too many times in the groin and Alejandro was still feeling it. He eyed the ladder to Leena's home wearily. Climbing _that_ wasn't going to be fun…

Leena finally reached the forest floor and whirled to face Alejandro, sucking in an enormous gasp when she saw the condition he was in. "What happened? Are you all right?" She pattered up to him and began to hover around him like a fretful little Buzzlegum.

"Do I _look _all right, Leena…?" Alejandro sighed and ran a finger through his bright red hair. His poor hair must look _terrible;_ it really got messed in the fight and, to make matters worse, Sparcticus had yanked out a fistful of it!

"What on Earth are you doing out here in the _woods?"_ Leena gently tugged on Alejandro's shirt. "We need to get you to Doc Patch right away!"

"Patch isn't around," hissed Alejandro as he withdrew from Leena's tugging. Even something as gentle as THAT stung. "We've all called him, he isn't answering. I really need help," he said, his voice breaking.

"He's _not around?"_ Leena's eyes grew big as her mind ran through several worse case scenarios. Alejandro sighed and nudged her shoulder to snap her out of it.

"Can _you_ help me, Leena?" He did his best to give her a charming grin and her eyes grew even bigger as her cheeks erupted into a blush. _Exactly as planned…_

"O-of course, I mean, I'll do my best…!" Leena grinned a toothy little grin as she scampered over to her ladder. She tugged on the rope with a guilty look on her face. "Can you climb this okay?"

Alejandro sighed and grabbed hold of the ladder with one hand. He started to shift his weight to the other side of his body and completely crumpled to the ground with a little whimper. "Um, I don't think I can," he said in a very high little voice.

Leena bit her lip and thought for a few moments before her eyes lit up. "I have an idea…um, wait here, please!" She scampered back up the ladder.

Alejandro sighed. He hoped she wouldn't be too long…

He was on his back in the grass on the verge of dozing off when several linens dropped down from up in the tree, followed by Leena who was struggling to climb down with several things clenched between her arms.

"I-I know some herbal remedies!" she announced as she planted her feet on the grass. She was holding several different jars of various things and a patterned light blue bowl in her arms. "You're lucky I know one that can dull the pain a good bit! Er, it should hold you over until Patch can give you some proper care…" She threw one of the linens over Alejandro and got to work opening the jars of herbs.

"Er…how did this even happen to you, anyway?" Leena asked as she strained to open one of the jars.

"Sparcticus got a little jealous that I was hanging out with his girlfriend. I wasn't going to do anything, I swear! I thought she was like 15!" He took the jar from Leena and opened it for her with one sharp twist. "He totally went berserk," His voice caught a little as he offered the opened jar back to Leena.

Leena thanked him and took the jar. "_Sparcticus_ went berserk?" Leena gnawed on a thumbnail as she put herbs into the bowl with her other hand. Leena had always been scared of the Piñarctican man, despite everyone's reassurances that he wasn't that bad at all. He absolutely towered over Leena and had a glare that could freeze a Jeli in its tracks, though, so Leena never really believed them…

"_Extremely,"_ Alejandro groaned at the painful reminders of the incident that Sparcticus left all over his body.

"Hopefully this will…um, make the pain go away a bit…" Leena finished mixing and crushing the herbs in the bowl and offered a spoon to Alejandro. "Sorry, it doesn't taste too good…"

Alejandro leaned over and took the spoon in his mouth. His eyes bulged and watered almost instantly. His fingers and toes curled and he could almost feel the very hairs on the top of his head stand to attention. He finally was able to choke the wad of leaves down after a few false starts.

"Ah, delicious," He murmured as he fought to keep the herbs down.

"Oh, um, are you all right?" Leena's hands flew to her mouth and her brow creased with concern. "I can, um, go get you some water if you need it!" Oh no, why didn't she think of bringing some water down in the first place?

"Please," wheezed Alejandro as his vision started going blurry. Somehow, Leena's concoction had the exact opposite effect she had intended.

"Give me just, um, one minute!" Leena said before she was climbing back up the ladder. She scrabbled into her little makeshift kitchen and went right for the pitcher of water she kept on the table. She grabbed that and then darted for the little shelf where she lined up every cup she owned. Um, which one…? She bit her nails for a moment before choosing the biggest one she had and filled it up to the very top. She placed the pitcher back on the table and headed back to the balcony.

She slipped over the floors of her treehouse (because she was still in socks), sloshing water everywhere. She took twice as long as usual coming down, and when she looked, the cup was more than half-empty.

"Sorry that uh, t-took so long-" She yelped and dropped the cup.

Dastardos was in the middle of hauling Alejandro up across his shoulders, but paused when he heard Leena's little whimper.

"Um, aren't you supposed to… what I'm trying to say is, uh… he's not a piñata so… what are you d-doing?" Leena tried to cram both hands in her mouth.

"Relax, kid," Dastardos chuckled. "I'm just helping Patch take this guy to his clinic so he can get some proper treatment." His eyes flicked to Leena's jars of herbs. "No offense." He lied.

"Um," Said Leena as she stepped back, obviously not convinced.

That was, until Patch's little car zoomed into view. He honked a few times and waved.

"I-It's OK, Leena, um, we'll take it f-from here," Said Patchas he nodded at Dastardos. "Um, you s-s-sure you can carry him all the way to my err, clinic?" He didn't look like he had a lot of faith in Dastardos' skeletal frame.

"I'm stronger than I look, Patchingo," Dastardos cocked a brow at the doctor. "I get quite a bit of arm exercise going after your patients, you know!" He threw his head back and laughed.

Dastardos joking and bantering with Patch? This wasn't normal... "Wh-why are you being so...civil today?" Leena asked and immediately hugged herself, looking like she regretted the question.

"Long story, kid," Dastardos shifted Alejandro around and squinted at Leena, who trembled.

"W-w-we'll explain later," Patch promised, "I-I'm more concerned about Alejandro's well being for now," He said as he nodded at Dastardos. "Um, t-thanks for your help, h-have a nice d-day," Patch gave Leena a little wave and sped off to catch up to Dastardos.

"Bye," Leena gave the two doctors a tiny wave, more confused than anything.


	18. The Ladies

Eddie's father, Edward Lizard, beamed bright as a Salamango's belly as he entered the P-Factor Hall lounge, holding an enormous plate of cookies. Most of the women in town had decided to pay the lounge a visit to all chat together, and Edward was doing his best to be as hospitable as possible. The Village might have been tiny, but it was filled with many amazingly bright and beautiful young ladies. Any of them would make a wonderful wife for his son! He hoped Eddie getting the reputation of having a nice father would get him some extra points with the local girls.

Petula, Leafos, and Fannie were all perched on a sofa, gabbing away like a flock of Candaries. Leafos kept bringing out her journal to scribble things down.

"And I heard from a Sprinkling that Alejandro was supposed to take _Gretchen_ to lunch today," flapped the mailbox on Fannie's head.

"Hmmmm," mused Leafos as she bit the end of her pencil. "He certainly has been _busy_."

"And he's only been here a few days," said Petula as she snatched a cookie off the plate Edward presented to her, "Ith like he can't make up hith mind," She sprayed crumbs all over Leafos and Fannie.

"Maybe he _can't…"_ Leafos tapped her pencil against her lip thrice as she thought.

"Are you talking about the new fellow in town?" Edward asked as he leaned on the back of the sofa, close to Petula, who promptly burst into a flirtatious smile.

"We sure are, Mr. Lizard!" Petula purred. She never got this close a look at Eddie's father…and she _really_ liked what she saw! _So this is where Eddie got his droolworthy looks from…_

"Did you hear what he's been _doing?"_ Fannie's mouth dropped open.

"I just overheard it from you ladies," Edward gave Fannie his best smile. "So, you think he's leading you all on? He has some nerve…"

"You know what _I_ think?" Petula cut in. "I don't think he could be _that_ bad of a guy…I think he just wants to see which girl he likes best before he chooses!"

"You may be right…" Fannie sighed. "He's so famous and talented…"

"And _rich!"_ Petula added enthusiastically.

"It's a miracle he's even going out with girls from such a tiny little village!" Fannie placed her hands over her heart. "I hope he chooses me…I'd_ love_ to be whisked away to a life of glamour! I bet he could put in a good word for me with all the directors he knows…!"

Petula burst into giggles. "Like you could make it with that mask of yours!"

Leafos shook her head and resisted the urge to bury her mask in her hands. These two were absolutely hopeless.

"Are you two _dumb?"_ Another female voice called from halfway across the room.

Ah, someone was reading Leafos' mind. She looked towards the source of the voice and saw dainty little Maxime with a not-so-dainty demeanor, her arms crossed tightly and an enormous scowl on her face.

"How long have _you_ been here?" Petula's tone became catty. She always hated Maxime. For some reason, Eddie Lizard seemed to be completely enchanted by her. That made absolutely no sense! Maxime was dirt poor, foul-mouthed, and her clothes were _never_ on the cutting edge of fashion. Not to mention all of those huge piñata she brought to the P-Factor always _stunk._ Petula ground her teeth. If Alejandro was interested in Maxime, too, Petula would certainly have to give her a piece of her mind!

"Long enough to hear how _moronic_ all of you are being," Maxime approached the group and slumped down in a chair, her legs spread in an extremely unladylike way. "He's probably just looking for a quick lay…or _ten."_ Maxime spat.

"There's no need to be rude, Maxime," Edward scolded and she gave him a flat look.

"Yeah? Well, you haven't met the guy. He's using his money and fame to lure every last girl into being interested in him, and if that doesn't work he goes for cheap flattery," Maxime grabbed a hunk of her long hair. "There are only so many flowery compliments a girl can take about her hair before they get _really old."_

"Speak for yourself!" said Fannie as she carefully adjusted her blonde ringlets. "I would personally _love_ it if someone took the time out of their busy day to give little old me a compliment!"

"Yeah, I don't know what's, like, wrong with you," Petula waved a paw at Maxime, "Getting attention from these village boys is like, as hard as attracting a Galagoogoo."

"They're probably scared of you two screeching harpies," Maxime rolled her eyes.

Fannie gasped and immediately looked quite hurt. Petula growled under her breath.

_"Excuse_ me?" Petula rose from her seat and Edward's eyes widened. He put his hands on her shoulders to steady her.

"Now, Petula, don't do anything rash," Edward warned.

"We came here to _discuss_ our problems," Leafos glared up at Petula accusingly. "Not to create more." She turned her glare onto Maxime.

"Fine, works for me," Maxime said with a shrug.

Petula grumbled and sat back down. She'd get back at Maxime for that one later…there's nothing a little rumor-planting won't fix, after all!

"Speaking of the boys…" Fannie was eager to change the subject, especially if it was to her favorite subject matter. "Is it just me, or have they been acting…odd lately?"

"Eddie certainly has!" Edward straightened up and folded his arms. "I've barely seen hide or hair of him recently, and he's always asking to help me with things and taking care of sign-ups for me. He hasn't so much as _offered!_ He's been running off and disappearing for hours on end!"

"Not to mention Sparcticus full-on kicked Alejandro's _butt!"_ Petula burst into a mischievous grin. "That was _amazing."_

"I _missed_ that?" Fannie wailed with disappointment.

"I don't think 'amazing' is the right word for it…" Leafos frowned.

"Says you," Maxime smirked and rested her cheek on her fist.

Leafos ignored her. "Langston's been paying a disturbing amount of attention to me. Not to mention that Doctor Patch has been AWOL, so has Bart, and when I tried to ask my little brother what he's been up to he looked at me like a Doenut in headlights and ran away!"

"You sure that wasn't something that little freak would _normally_ do?" Petula smirked at Leafos and earned herself a scolding smack on the arm from Fannie.

Leafos pretended not to hear Petula and folded her hands in her lap. "If you ask me, I think they're all jealous and conspiring something against Alejandro."

"That's a very broad claim," said Edward as he leaned over the back of the couch again. "Just think about it," said Leafos, "They're all acting suspicious, and when we try and research it, they just get even more shifty! Plus – I won't swear to it – but I've heard that Arfur said that he's got a little group that meets in the mornings. He was chuckling about how many tips he seems to be getting in the morning…"

"We should crash it!" Maxime said with a little too much enthusiasm, nearly leaping out of her seat.

"No!" Leafos said with a glare that made Maxime wilt right back into her seat. "We're not like those… _boys_! We do things quietly. We can't let anyone know what we're doing!"

"Why not?" Maxime leaned forward and grabbed about five cookies from where they rested on a coffee table. She dropped all of them in her lap as she leaned back. "I'd love to see them try to keep what they're doing from us! I bet it'd be a good laugh."

"Subtle is the way to go, Maxime," Leafos shook her head at the brash girl.

"Yeah, we don't, like, want them to think we're being nosy windbags," Petula shook her head.

"Even though we _are_ being nosy windbags?" Fannie chimed in.

"Even though we are…" Petula nodded slowly.

"We're what?" asked Storkos as she popped over the end of the couch, her hair a little disheveled from her work. "Who's making blanket statements here?"  
>"Oh, nobody is!" said Leafos as she motioned to the empty seat beside her, "Good of you to show up, sis!"<p>

"Ah, I can't resist a good gossip session," said Storkos, patting Leafos' head as she walked past. She fell into the chair with a sigh and rubbed her face. "Though I'm going to get hell for breaking off work early…"

"Personally, I don't know how you put up with that Lickatoad," Gretchen said from the end of the couch. Leafos, Petula, and Fannie all jumped a little bit. None of them even heard Gretchen come in!

"Eh," Storkos shrugged modestly, "It's all for the greater good!"

"If you put in an order, I can take care of him for you," said Gretchen breezily as she inspected her nails.

"Maybe for my birthday," said Storkos with a laugh.

"_AHEM_," Leafos cleared her throat, "I thought we were talking about Alejandro, girls."

This was a lot more guests than Edward expected! He dashed off to get the girls extra refreshments.

Gretchen scoffed when she heard Alejandro's name. "Please tell me you have something humiliating in mind for that Hoghurt of a man."

_"I_ don't," Leafos touched her chest. "But I think the boys are planning something, and I want to find out what it is! All of you should Alert me if you see any of them acting weird."

"Weirder than usual? Got it," Petula smirked and nodded in affirmation.

"Patch came to watch me race this afternoon… that count?" asked Avalon as she walked into the lounge, her arms crossed.

Leafos' eyes grew big. "What, really-"

"Avalon!" Storkos jumped up from her seat and nearly flew up to the taller woman. She gave Avalon an expectant look, similar to a child at Christmas.

"Oh, I know wot you're getting at," Avalon rolled her eyes in mock irritation and fished her Alert System out of her pocket. She pressed a few buttons and turned the screen so that Storkos could see. "Just 'atched this morning!"

Storkos squealed as she took the Alert System and peered closer. "Oh, and it has little spindly legs and _everything_! This is the cutest baby Horstachio I have ever laid eyes on!"

"Oh pshaw," Avalon waved a hand at Storkos, "A baby is a baby…"

Her Alert System buzzed in Storkos' hands and Avalon snatched it away before Storkos could see the sender of the message.

"So, I've 'eard yew all are planning on doing something about Alejandro," said Avalon as she clicked away at the keys of her Alert System. "I've come to offer my assistance."

"Awesome!" Leafos folded her hands under her chin and beamed at Avalon. "I know you'll be a big help for sure!" She leaned forward and gave each of the other girls a look of enthusiasm. "Here's the plan…"


	19. Bart's Plan

The sun was setting, bathing Piñata Island in beautiful shades of red and purple. The sky exploded with so much color that piñata and people alike had to stop to admire it.

Except for Bart.

He was on a warpath. He stomped down the Village Road as he headed towards Jardiniero's garden.

His date with Gretchen hadn't gone _horribly_, but they always ended up going back to the topic about how angry/betrayed/upset Gretchen was that Alejandro was running around treating women like they were toys. Gretchen wasn't the type to let things bother her like that! This jerk actually _hurt her,_ and Bart was _not happy_ about that little fact.

He had an idea, a devious idea, and he needed the help of a professional devious deeds doer to pull it off…

Seedos was looking for seeds in the same area when he noticed Bart heading for the twisted tree that Dastardos called home. His eyes grew to an alarmingly huge size and he practically flew to Bart's side.

"What are you doing?" Seedos grabbed onto Bart's sleeve without thinking, stopping him in his tracks. "It looks like you're going to do something you're going to regret."

"I know _precisely_ what I am aiming to do, my good seed monger," said Bart as he strained against Seedos' grip. "I have absolutely _had it_ with playing fair. I need to hit below the belt-"

"And I guess this is the last resort for that?" Seedos interrupted Bart as he gave his brother's house a frightened glance. He was home, judging by the oily smoke that was belching out of the rickety chimney.

"… Yes," Bart bowed his head and sighed. "It's clear that just tiptoeing around and letting things work out themselves isn't going to help my chances. Whenever he-" Bart gestured at the tree, "Runs off and does something, things get done. Don't even try and think about stopping me, Seedos. I have a mean right hook!" Bart raised his head and squinted.

Seedos let go of Bart quickly. "Okay, then, if you're one hundred percent sure…" He bit his lip and glanced at one of the holes in the tree. He hoped Dastardos had heard them speaking and thought to tell Magnar to hide. He wasn't sure if Bart remembered, but Stardos was all over the local news once he brought that seemingly hopeless little piñata back to health. There was no other Macaraccoon that small on the Island, and the last thing Seedos wanted was for Bart to get suspicious…

Bart gave the side of the tree a series of firm, loud knocks and took a step back. Dastardos flew out from between the curtains promptly, his mask slightly askew.

"Oh, hey, you two," he stayed floating in front of his curtains; Bart took that as a hint that he wasn't about to invite them inside. "What do you want?"

"I came to request your aid!" Bart folded his arms. "I want to…deface some of Alejandro's things. Let him know that he's not welcome here. I'll need your help to break in and you can aid me in my retribution if you wish."

"Wow, really?" A smirk tugged at the corners of Dastardos' yellow mouth.

"You're going to commit _vandalism?"_ Seedos gave Bart a look of shocked disbelief, the enormous mouth of his mask dropping open.

"Vandalism is such a repulsive word," Bart chuckled. "I'm simply giving him his comeuppance! I still can't _believe_ what he's putting these poor women through and I refuse to stand for it!"

"I like the way you think, Bart," Dastardos' smirk became a full-fledged one. "I'll gladly give you a hand. It's a good night to do it, too, Alejandro's staying overnight at the clinic." He turned to face Seedos and leaned forward, his hands in his pockets. "Do you want to help us out too, kiddo? I recall you saying you wouldn't mind throwing weed seeds around his bedroom…"

Seedos suddenly took immense interest in a patch of grass in front of his feet. "Yes…but that's committing a crime! I don't want to get in trouble…"

"Don't you make a habit of dropping weed seeds into the gardens of those who assault you?" Bart gave Seedos an accusing look.

"Yes, but…" Seedos sighed. "The police officers always tell me that they don't mind, since the gardeners hurt me. They said the two crimes 'cancel out.'"

"That's ridiculous," Bart shook his head.

"I'm certainly not complaining…" Seedos put his hands behind his back and rocked back and forth a bit. "If he had hurt me physically, I would help, but I don't want to risk getting into trouble. I'm the only one in town with access to so many weed seeds, all evidence would point to me!"

Bart squinted at Seedos for a few moments. "How old are you, boy?"

"Sixteen," Seedos blinked at Bart from behind his oversized glasses. "Why?"

"You're a minor," Bart stated. "That means that they can't incriminate you. They'd probably fine your father if you were caught."

Seedos went really, really quiet. Dastardos floated to Bart's side and both of them stared at Seedos expectantly.

Seedos suddenly burst into a crooked smirk. "I'm in!"

"Atta boy!" Dastardos slipped his arms around both Seedos and Bart's shoulders. "Just follow my lead. Alejandro will be fleeing the town with his tail between his legs by morning!"


	20. Redecorating

Bart, Seedos, and Dastardos tiptoed (and floated) around the back of the village, towards where they had heard Alejandro's house was. The group scarcely dared to breathe; they had almost been seen by Maxime and Petula as they snuck around the back of Arfur's Inn, and something told each of them that being dead would be a better alternative to being caught.

They rounded a tall, ornamental bush and came this close to crashing into Avalon.

"Woah!" She jumped back, just as startled as the three of them. Seedos jumped into the bush with a little yelp, and Bart jumped back several paces.

"… Wot're yew guys doing out 'ere?" she asked, just as shaken as the boys. She quickly regained her composure.

"I-I could ask the same of you!" stuttered Bart as he fiddled with the brim of his hat.

"No, _really_," said Avalon as she crossed her arms and frowned, "Wot are yew guys doing sneaking around out 'ere at this 'our?"

"Nothing destructive…" Dastardos clasped his hands behind his back and grinned at Avalon.

"Oh well, good thing we all exchanged Alert numbers," said Avalon as she casually slipped her Alert System out of her pocket.

"We're going to wreck Alejandro's house!" blurted the bush rather quickly.

Dastardos and Bart jumped forward to smack Seedos in the head.

"… Oh!" Avalon put her Alert System back in her pocket and beamed at the three future vandals, "Well then, it's a good thing yew bumped into _me_ and not any of the other girls."

"…what do you mean?" Seedos asked, struggling to free himself from the bush.

Avalon glanced from side to side and motioned for the three guys to come closer. They obliged and she smiled at them.

"I'm on your side. I can't _stand_ the guy, so I'll give all of yew a free pass. I won't tell a _soul_ that I saw yew three," Avalon mimed zipping her lips. "Be quiet, though, I'll be very disappointed if yew get caught!"

Bart and Seedos looked at her in stunned silence, but Dastardos burst into a disbelieving smirk. "What, _really?_ You're serious?"

"Of course I am! I'm so tired of everyone talking about 'im," She rolled her eyes, "I just want to get back to my own life where everyone does their own stupid things."

"I think she may very well be telling the truth!" said Bart as he let a tiny smile cross his mask.

"Yew said yew were all going to Alejandro's 'ouse, right?" Avalon stroked her chin for a moment, "Ooh, bad luck, Leafos said she'd be wandering around there tonight."

"You guys are patrolling the village?" Dastardos' smirk grew even more mocking.

"Not my idea," said Avalon with a sigh, "Yew guys are lucky yew didn't get caught yet, they'd question yew until they were blue in the face… Tell yew wot," She said as she stroked her chin, "I'll get yew guys safely to Alejandro's 'ouse and get Leafos to leave if yew'll do me this one favor." She leaned into Dastardos and cupped a hand so the other two couldn't hear what she said.

"Eew!" Dastardos exclaimed, floating quite a distance away from Avalon. "WHY?"

"'E never paid me back for that lunch," Avalon shrugged, twisting some of her hair around a finger, "I could sell that on the internet to cover the costs. And a bit more, seeing all the trouble 'e's caused everyone."

"Oh, well, in that case..." Dastardos slouched a bit as he shrugged. "Sure, whatever."

"… Wot did yew think I was going to- yew know wot, never mind," said Avalon as she shook her head several times. "We're wasting time, I'm sure yew all 'ave your work cut out for yew." She beckoned for the three to follow her as she carefully walked next to the rows of ornamental bushes that surrounded Alejandro's house.

"Yes, we do plan on completely rendering the interior of his house unrecognizable," Bart cracked his knuckles as he followed Avalon. "With the talents of all three of us, I feel like we could very well frighten him away for good!"

"You'll 'ave a lot to play around with," Avalon said as she walked as softly as she could. Her giant boots weren't really made for sneaking. "'Is place is rather spacious…"

Seedos let out an unnerving giggle that caused Dastardos to give him a fond look.

"Now 'ush," Avalon ducked down behind a boulder, the three guys following her lead. "I 'ave to locate Leafos…" She got out her Alert System and clicked a few keys. Leafos' Alert System jingled not too far away. Avalon bit her lip and thought.

"'Is 'ouse is just beyond that row of 'edges," Avalon pointed to one last row of hedges. "Do me proud, boys," she said as her Alert System buzzed.

Dastardos gave Avalon his two-fingered salute and turned to Bart and Seedos, "Come on losers!" He snickered as he zoomed off.

Seedos immediately stepped on a twig.

"Who's there?" demanded an Irish accent. Seedos wanted to die.

"Leafos!" said Avalon as she walked out from behind the boulder. Avalon to the rescue! "I was going to go get a drink at Arfur's. I was wondering if yew wanted to come with me!"

"Avalon, we're supposed to be keeping watch in case the boys do something weird again!" Leafos scolded Avalon.

"Oh _come on_, Leafos," laughed Avalon as she crossed her arms and shivered a little bit, "I've been wandering out here in the cold for 'ours. They're not going to do anything funny. It's cold, it's late, I'm 'ungry, damn it!"

"Welllll," Leafos said, chewing on the end of her glove.

"I'll pay for your meal if it makes yew feel any better," Avalon found herself offering.

Leafos sighed a tiny little sigh. "Oh…all right, if you're that keen on eating. But I don't want to be too long, we might miss something important!"

"Don't yew worry," Avalon slipped an arm around Leafos' shoulders and began leading her away. "There are _plenty_ of other girls keeping watch. We'll be kept posted."

Leafos bit her lip, but she said nothing and let herself be led away.

Dastardos, Seedos, and Bart waited a few moments before Bart poked his head out of his hiding spot. "The coast is clear!" he exclaim-whispered as he gestured for the others to follow him.

The three snuck up to Alejandro's vacation house. Bart couldn't help marvel at the fact that his 'spare house' was much bigger than his 'everyday house'.

"I got this," Dastardos smirked as he phased through the door. A moment later he swung it open and mockingly bowed to Bart and Seedos. They didn't pay much attention, rushing into the house to scout out the perfect place to start their redecorating.

Dastardos shut the door and followed the other two guys inside. They had stopped in their tracks to take in the interior of the house; it was fancier than anything the two of them had ever seen in their lives.

Seedos broke the silence after a minute or so. "He's…going to be _really angry_ when we wreck this, huh?" his voice was small.

"'Really angry' just may be an understatement!" Bart grinned.

"You better not be having second thoughts!" Dastardos squinted at Seedos. "It's too late to back out."

"No!" Seedos shook his head rapidly. "That's a _good thing!"_ A smirk that made Dastardos proud crossed Seedos' mask and he reached into his red seed pouch. "I'm going to start with the kitchen, I think!"

"Good boy!" Dastardos whacked Seedos on the back, causing him to prick his fingers on a bunch of the weed seeds.

"Ow…" Seedos squeaked.

"I'm going to give him a new wardrobe!" Bart cracked his knuckles. "Hopefully I'll be able to find his bedroom within a reasonable time frame…"

"I think I'll just start here," Dastardos twitched his hand, and the Whacking Stick appeared suddenly. "Here's as good a place as any," He licked his lips as he eyed the giant TV at the other end of the living room.

"Uh, meet back here in twenty minutes?" asked Seedos as he sucked on his pricked fingers.

"Good plan!" Bart said before bolting upstairs.

"Good plan," said Dastardos as he silently drifted into the living room.

It looked like a completely different house twenty minutes later.

Alejandro's kitchen was beginning to seethe with a forest of red and black stalks. Vines and leaves dripped out of the room and began to spread across the entryway and up the stairs, quietly releasing a dark smog of toxin. The living room was full of shattered appliances and holes in the wall. A couch had been half thrown out the window and the fan on the ceiling was missing several blades. The staircase was missing the banister and the trail of damage lead upstairs, where Bart was carefully picking his way down to the ground floor, a giant grin on his mask and something bundled up in his arms.

Bart's eyes grew very, very big when he saw the red and black plants that had almost completely overtaken the ground floor. "_Blimey,_ Seedos! How many weed seeds did you _have in your possession?"_ A bit of fiendish delight was mixed in with his shocked tone.

"A lot!" Seedos leapt out of the kitchen, his hair mussed and his breath short from the strenuous activity of throwing weed seeds everywhere. "Less than I thought, though…oh well, I think I did more than enough damage!" He threw his head back and laughed. "This'll show him!"

"Twenty minutes passed _already?"_ Dastardos sounded disappointed as he flew into the room to meet his two accomplices when he overheard them talking. His good eye rolled towards the kitchen and he gave a long, low whistle. "Good on you, kiddo!" He flew closer to Seedos to give him a quick fist bump. "How'd it go with you, Bart?" Dastardos asked, accidentally smacking Seedos with one end of his scarf as he whirled to face the tinker.

"Let's just say it will be impossible for that prat to put together a decent outfit tomorrow morning," Bart chuckled as he unfolded the shirt in his arms. "I changed his wardrobe to scandalously short pants and shirts that all say things like this."

The shirt had huge, obnoxiously colorful patterned letters on it that read "HOW CAN I LOVE YOU IF YOU WON'T LIE DOWN?"

Dastardos burst into hysterical laughter and Seedos just cocked his head to the side.

"I don't get it…" he blinked.

"Never mind," Bart waved his hand a bit, "You'll learn when you're older. I see you've had… a blast, Dastardos."

"Of course!" Dastardos said, baring his teeth. "In fact, I could keep going _all night_."

"I'm afraid I'm spent," Seedos shook his empty bad seed pouch, "Anyways, at this rate the house'll be inhabitable in an hour," He cringed as a Dandelion slithered up to full height and began growling at him. "I'm going to go home."

Bart squinched up his eyes for a moment before walking over to the wall. He waved his hands around for a few seconds and suddenly the walls of the lower floor were shockingly pink. "Well, I've done all I can," Bart grinned, "Job well done boys. I'm glad you two decided to stick around!"

"… You know, I don't think I'm quite done here," said Dastardos after looking over the first floor.

"If you want to keep going, I won't stop you!" Seedos edged towards the door.

"Nor will I," Bart shook his head.

"Don't worry, I'll take _all_ the blame if I get caught," Dastardos grinned and waved the two of them off.

"That's surprisingly noble of you!" Bart said.

"That's me, surprisingly noble!" Dastardos flew towards Seedos and Bart. Both ends of his scarf flew up and nudged them towards the door. "You two should get out of here before Leafos comes back." He hovered to the window and squinted outside. "The coast is clear right now."

"Good work tonight!" Bart gave Dastardos a wave goodbye. "I couldn't have done this without you!"

Dastardos bowed, a smug expression on his mask. "I know."


	21. The Police

"Hmm, and it appears your couch attempted to escape the house in an act of self-preservation," said Reginald as he licked his pencil and jotted down more notes on his notebook.

It was the next morning, and Alejandro had come home to a broken house. He had called upon the two police officers trusted with keeping the village safe; Reginald and Bertram. Reginald was the taller of the two, with a swirly moustache and square orange mask. Bertram was short and squat with a round yellow mask and a little button nose.

"Wish I were invited to this party," said Bertram as he poked at a red and black vine that had splintered the glass of the bay window.

"Please, officers, is there anything you can do?" begged Alejandro, his mask contorted in pain. His arm was still broken and his groin was still bruised. This had just not been a very good week for him.

"Well," said Reginald as he flipped his notebook shut and tucked it away in a pocket in the inside of his uniform, "We can hire out some Weedlings for you to take care of the weeds. We think we recognize this as the handiwork of Seedos, Jardiniero's youngest son…"

"I got duped by THAT dork!" Alejandro tore at his hair with his unbroken arm.

"We're certain that he couldn't have possibly done all that property damage, though," said Bertram as he crossed his hefty arms and laughed, "Hell, that boy couldn't even lift a dictionary, let alone an entire couch!"

"What'll I do?" sniffed Alejandro.

"I just put in an order for some Weedlings," said Reginald as he crossed his arms behind his back and rose up on his toes, "We'll wait for them to clear out the house so it won't kill us on the spot, and we'll do a proper survey then."

Alejandro sighed and buried his mask in his hands. All he wanted was a few week's quiet vacation!

"You must have done something bad to get Seedos-" Bertram stopped speaking and his eyes grew to the size of saucers.

"What's-" Reginald turned to berate Bertram, and his eyes grew to the size of car headlights.

"Good morning, muppets!" stretched Dastardos as he phased through the living room wall.

Reginald and Bertram both leapt five feet in the air, feet pedaling and arms flailing. They ran smack into each other as they landed, falling flat on their backs in a mess of gibberish and uniforms.

"Aww, you're excited to see me, how nice!" Dastardos leaned forward, a mocking expression on his mask as he folded his hands at his waist. "What brings you two here?"

Alejandro suddenly got very quiet and took a couple steps back. He had heard stories about this guy; he was much shorter than he imagined, but he was also a hell of a lot creepier…

"So it was you!" barked Bertram, pointing a gloved hand accusingly up at Dastardos. He tried his best to be brave, he really did! But this… this _grim reaper_ always caused them so much more trouble than they bargained for.

"I thought you were some sort of fairy tale, created to scare children!" Alejandro stepped back again. Something about this man sent shivers up his spine. The bad kind of shivers.

"No, he's real all right," sighed Reginald, making no motion to get up off the ground.

"What exactly were you doing in my house!" demanded Alejandro, on the edge of hysterics.

"I'm sure you can guess!" Dastardos flew far too close to Alejandro, so close that the noses of their masks touched.

_"Why?"_ Alejandro practically whined.

"I don't like you, pal!" Dastardos gave Alejandro a hard poke in the chest with one of his bony fingers. "You've rubbed me the wrong way since the first day you reared your ugly mask in this town!"

"B-But why!" whined Alejandro again. He wilted slightly under Dastardos' stony gaze. "I haven't done anything to hurt you! I haven't done anything that involves you in the slightest!"

Bertram and Reginald very carefully started picking themselves up and dusting themselves off.

Dastardos chuckled darkly. "I think it'll be better for both of us if you don't know why. Most people _love_ a good mystery, after all!" He floated between Reginald and Bertram and slipped his skinny arms around their shoulders. "Am I right?"

"Y-y-y-y-yes, you're a-a-a-b-b-b-absolutely right," shook Bertram, right down to his shiny shoes.

"Y-y-y-you better agree with him if you know what's g-g-g-good for you!" shook Reginald, his moustache quivering. Both of them were sweating intensely under their masks.

"_Why did you trash my house!_" demanded Alejandro, some of his nerve coming back now that he didn't have the reaper breathing in his face.

"You can figure that out for yourself, buddy," Dastardos squinted at Alejandro. "Even if I'm not sure you even have the brains for it."

Alejandro thought for a few moments before a lightbulb went off over his head. "It's the ladies, isn't it! Are you sweet on one of them, Corpse Boy? Because that is a DUMB REASON for RUINING MY HOUSE," roared Alejandro as he ran right up to Dastardos, giving him a frighteningly strong punch to the mask.

Well, he would have, if his fist hadn't gone through Dastardos' mask like it wasn't even there.

"Oh, you _really_ shouldn't have done that," Dastardos cackled before pulling his weapon of choice out of nowhere and cracking Alejandro's mask in half with it. "If you try that again, or make a claim like that again, I'll do worse..." he hissed.

Alejandro fell flat on his face. He lay there for a few moments before grunting and hauling himself up with one arm. He gave Dastardos a look of rage, his face completely bare. His face was beautiful; flawless even, all except for the little trickle of blood going down his forehead.

"Try me, you coward," said Alejandro as he surged up and grabbed Dastardos by the loop of his scarf around his neck. He pulled the reaper right up to his face and said, "I do all my own stunts."

"Um, y-y-you shouldn't do this!" called Bertram as he carefully started stepping backwards.

"Please, sir, just drop the reaper and run while you still can!" called Reginald as he also slowly fled the scene. "You have no idea what you're up against!"

Alejandro pulled the scarf even tighter.

"You asked for it," Dastardos said casually before smacking Alejandro right in his already bruised groin.

Alejandro's blue eyes rolled up and he let out a painful gurgle. He let go of Dastardos' scarf and tumbled backwards, holding his crown jewels and blubbering.

"Alright, officers," Dastardos slumped a little and presented his tattooed wrists. "Take me away."

"What!" both Reginald and Bertram jumped.

"I admit to this dastardly deed," said Dastardos with a sigh, "So go on, lock me up!"

Bertram and Reginald exchanged a skeptical look.

"Well, I guess I might as well give it a go," said Reginald bravely, striding up to the reaper and unclipping the handcuffs from his belt. They sparkled like new.

Reginald gulped. Dastardos was probably going to phase through them and steal his hat again. He didn't like it when Dastardos did that; these hats were awfully hard to replace! Add that to the shame of confessing that you have lost your most prized possession…

_Click!_  
>The handcuffs fit around Dastardos' emaciated wrists. Reginald opened one eye carefully. Then the other.<p>

"I did it!" he said, kicking his heels in glee.

"You did!" grinned Bertram over Reginald's shoulder.

"I did! I caught Dastardos!" Reginald puffed out his chest and squinted one eye at Dastardos. "Now then, sir, no funny business! It's right to the brig with you until we decide the most suitable punishment!"

"Oh no," Dastardos lamented, a mocking tone to his voice. "Whatever shall I do!"

Bertram and Reginald linked arms and started marching back towards the town.

"We should celebrate this with a round at Arfur's!" said Bertram with a chuckle.

"Several rounds!"  
>"All the rounds!"<br>Dastardos let a smirky smile take over his mask as he went transparent, letting the handcuffs harmlessly slip through his wrists. Bertram and Reginald kept happily marching towards the village without even noticing.

"Easy come, easy go!" chuckled Dastardos as he floated back towards the twisted tree he called home.


	22. Seedos Gets Caught

Seedos was curled up on his wicker couch, an accomplished little smile on his uncovered face. A Shellybean was resting on his drawn-up knees, and Seedos had recounted the entire story of what had happened the previous evening to it.

"You should have been there to see it when I was all done, Taru! It was _amazing!"_ Seedos giggled with delight. "That's what Alejandro gets for being such a jerk, though!"

Taru let out an accusing little squeak.

"…yeah, I know Leena probably wouldn't approve of what I did, but feh, she'll never know," Seedos shrugged his skinny shoulders. "I did this for her mainly, after all! I don't like her hanging out with Alejandro, he probably wants to…French kiss her or something!" Seedos stuck out his tongue in disgust.

Taru gave Seedos a snide look and a snide squeak to match.

"That's not very nice, Taru, Leena's just as great as those other girls…" Seedos squinted at his Shellybean.

Taru just shook his head and went sliding off of Seedos.

Seedos pouted and sat up. "Yeah…well, your species is hermaphroditic! You have no concept of gender anyway, what do _you_ know about girls?" He shook his fist at his Shellybean, who ignored him as it rolled into Seedos' bedroom.

"Hey, kiddo," a cold voice cut through the air like the winter wind. "You yammering to your stupid mollusks again?"

That voice may have been one of the creepiest sounds to hear on the Island, but Seedos, always an oddball, welcomed it with open ears. He peered over the back of the couch, hiding most of his face behind it. "Dastardos? What brings you here?"

Dastardos had floated right through Seedos' back wall, his arms folded and the brow of his mask furrowed. "Just came to let you know; those two dumbass police officers have a hunch that it was you who threw the weed seeds everywhere." Dastardos squinted at Seedos when he noticed what he was doing. "You don't have to hide your face, you know. I'm your _brother."_

"Wait…they _what?"_ Seedos vaulted over the back of the couch and ran to his brother's side. "What happened to you taking all the blame?"

"I'm not exactly known for having access to obscene amounts of weed seeds, you know," Dastardos huffed. "This isn't good news for me, either! I don't want rumors to start about you palling around with me."

"People saw us together at Arfur's Inn already!" Seedos planted his hands on his hips.

"…Valid point, but as far as the police are concerned, it was just you and me vandalizing the house," Dastardos said. "…I don't want people to be more scared of you then they already are. Unlike me, you can still salvage your social life." He leaned forward with his hands in his pockets and gave Seedos a serious look. "If anyone asks, we just so happened to get the same idea on the same night. You just showed up before me, okay?"

"Gotcha!" Seedos nodded and put his hands behind his back, giving his brother a happy little smile.

"…what's that look for?" Dastardos floated back a bit.

"I can't believe you came all the way here just to warn me!" Seedos' smile broadened into a gap-toothed grin. "You actually have concern for my well-being!" Much to Dastardos' surprise, Seedos actually hugged him extremely tightly.

"…let go, please," Dastardos ground his teeth. He wasn't about to go flying through his brother, Dastardos knew very well that it wasn't too pleasant to be floated through by him, and Seedos was pretty much the only person he actually cared about.

"Oh, sorry!" Seedos quickly let Dastardos go. His face was flushed a bit with embarrassment, but his smile was still unwavering.

"Why are you in such a good mood?" Dastardos asked as he picked a blue hair that had escaped from Seedos' head off his scarf. "I just told you that you're probably going to get into trouble!"

"Gah, I'm sorry, bro, I just…" Seedos shook his head rapidly. "I'm really happy. As much as I'm worried about Leena-"

"You shouldn't be, she's fifteen and Alejandro probably won't touch her with a ten pinometer pole," Dastardos commented under his breath, but he was drowned out by Seedos' joyous jabbering.

"-things really have been looking up lately!" Seedos did a little jig. "I have _friends_ now! Patch actually _waved_ at me when he drove by me yesterday! And Eddie and I actually carried on a conversation without him commenting on how I dress!" Seedos tugged on his collar for emphasis. "Not to mention Bart didn't complain when I joined you two in your endeavor! And you know how much he can complain, hoo boy…" Seedos leaned forward and added: "They've been treating _you _surprisingly nicely, too!"

"Eh, I think they just know better than to complain about me being on their side," Dastardos shrugged. "They'll be back to shaking in their boots when they see me as soon as this whole Alejandro thing blows over, since I'll have to go right back to reaping!"

"…wait, so your truce with Patch…?" Seedos' eyes got very, very big.

"Temporary," Dastardos nodded.

"Have you _seen_ how he looks at you, Dastardos? I think he truly believes that you're friends…" Seedos chewed on his index finger. "You're going to break his heart into a zillion little pieces!" He gestured hugely and Dastardos laughed.

"I don't care," Dastardos shrugged. "It'll be funny."

Seedos opened his mouth to speak but he was interrupted by a series of loud knocks on his door. "Oh man, _HIDE!"_ he hissed through clenched teeth. Dastardos nodded and dove right through the floor.

Too nervous to go look for his mask, Seedos ran to the door and opened it a crack. He peered through and saw that a very miffed looking Leafos was outside.

"Seedos," she crossed her arms and tapped her foot. "The police are speaking to Dad and they'd like for you to join the discussion. _What did you do?"_

"I'm surprised you don't know…" Seedos' eye widened a bit and Leafos' scowl intensified.

"Don't keep them waiting," Leafos warned, which Seedos translated to "Don't keep _me_ waiting; I want to know what's going on!"

"Let me get my mask!" Seedos slammed the door without warning.

Dastardos flew up from under the house, soaking wet and looking like a drowned Kittyfloss. "…well, I just learned the hard way that I'm not invulnerable to getting wet," Dastardos wrung his scarf out on the floor. "This barely makes sense."

"Agh, you're getting swamp water everywhere!" Seedos exclaimed before disappearing into his room.

"You are perfectly capable of mopping," Dastardos said as he shook his hair out. "Who was at the door?"

"Leafos," Seedos came out of his room halfway through the process of putting on his mask. "She says the police are at Jardiniero's and they want to question me too."

"The police are idiots," Dastardos flapped a hand. "Just stick to what I told you and you'll do fine."

"Speaking of fines, I hope they fine Jardiniero," Seedos adjusted his glasses. "He deserves all the misfortune he can get."

"Agreed," Dastardos spat. "Well, good luck…and for the love of God, _please_ don't let anything about me slip!"

"Of course not!" Seedos saluted his brother.

Dastardos saluted right back and disappeared through the back wall.

Seedos opened the door again and gave his sister a Goobaaish grin.

"…who were you talking to?" Leafos squinted at Seedos.

"Um, my seeds, duh," Seedos strode ahead of her, smiling to himself. He was dreading seeing his father, but he always felt a bit of happiness whenever Jardiniero was upset, even when it was because of him!


	23. Guilty

Bertram, Reginald, and Jardiniero were all seated around Jardiniero's dinner table. There was plenty of elbowroom for all, since it was made for a much bigger crowd. However, Jardiniero's house was painfully empty as of late.

Jardiniero sat in his sputtering wheelchair, a furious expression on his face. Bertram was twiddling his fingers, and Reginald was going through the notes he had made of the case. Both police officers were pointedly avoiding conversation with Jardiniero. His fury was nearly palpable in the charged air.

Leafos came out of the kitchen with 4 cups of tea that billowed steam. She carefully sat one cup in front of each person and perched next to her father.

"There couldn't possibly be anyone else with quite that many weed seeds, you see, sir," Reginald piped up, doing his best to keep his voice from quivering. Jardiniero may not be as influential a figure as in the past, but that didn't mean he had lost any of his intimidating presence. Condemning his son in front of him was… a task for someone with more stomach than Reginald.

"What about a weed bomb?" Jardiniero dragged the teacup closer to himself.

"We checked with the bird that runs the Post Office here," spoke Bertram, "Hasn't had an order like that in months."

"Besides, there was no evidence of a crate in the vicinity," said Reginald as he checked his notes again.

Leafos squinted at the kitchen. "Seedos, could you come in here and clear things up? You were called here to be questioned, not to stand in the kitchen!"

Seedos huffed as he entered the room and slouched in a chair that was far, far away from everyone else, pouting like a five-year-old. He might have been excited to see his father angry on his way over, but then he remembered that would require actually being in the same room as his father. He still held a bit of a grudge since Jardiniero dismissed him as dead so easily when he ran off to the swamp when he was young.

"So…_nice_ of you to join us," Jardiniero's voice was seething with a quiet fury. He was never really one to loudly blow his stack. "Care to shed some light on this situation?"

"I'm guilty," Seedos stated simply as he gave his father an aside glance. He was trying his best to imitate Dastardos' nonchalant attitude. Hopefully that would keep him from saying something he'd regret.

Reginald and Bertram's jaws practically unhinged themselves.

"Um, well," said Reginald, regaining his composure immediately. He fingered his prized moustache victoriously, "This means you're in for a hefty fine!"

Leafos gave Seedos a scathing glare. Seedos shifted only a little bit.

"It'll come up to… Hmmm, yes, 15,000 CC," said Reginald as he referenced his ever-ready notepad.

"Wait, _what?"_ Seedos tore at his hair, completely breaking his former composure. This wasn't how he expected this to go! "I don't have that kind of money!" In all honesty, Seedos' money mostly came from what he found lying on the ground when he was looking for seeds. The money was just barely enough to feed him for the most part!

"Well, then," Jardiniero's tone became cocky and he smirked under his bountiful beard. "Looks like you'll have to get a real job, then! Why don't you try _selling_ those seeds of yours, hm?"

Seedos frowned intensely and wilted under Jardiniero's gaze.

"Wait…" Bertram's eyes widened a bit and he leaned over to whisper in the pointed ear of Reginald's mask. Reginald's face fell.

"…oh," Reginald looked at Seedos. "Sorry, how old are you?"

"Sixteen…" Seedos felt a flicker of hope and tried not to smile.

"… oh," said Reginald again. "Um, I'm not quite sure how to put this but…"

"Since he's a minor," Bertram picked up his partner's slack, "You're… legally in charge of him so…"

"… You're saying that I will owe 15,000 of my hard earned Chocolate Coins?" Jardiniero glowered and his beard bristled.

Reginald and Bertram exchanged a frightened look.

"Ah, yes," said Bertram with a cough.

The room went completely silent for a few moments until Jardiniero turned his glower onto Seedos. Seedos grinned sheepishly at his father and let out a series of small chuckles.

Jardiniero instantly leapt upon the opportunity to rip his youngest son into shreds. "You stop laughing right this instant, boy. I have _no idea what has gotten into you_ these past few years, but this is the straw that breaks the Camello's back! You are an utter disgrace to the family name, and I am ashamed that I once called you my son. Yes, fine, drain me more of my chocolate coins so that I die in poverty as well as in disability and mediocrity."

Reginald and Bertram nervously drummed their fingers on the table. Leafos inhaled sharply and jammed her gloved fingers into her mouth. Her eyes nervously darted between her brother and her father, not sure whose side to take.

Seedos sucked in a gasp so large that he nearly inhaled the tablecloth. "You have _no idea_ what I'm going through right now!" Seedos' voice broke as he rose to his feet and slammed a fist onto the table. "If you ask me, _you're_ the one who's a disgrace to the family name! I-I can't believe you'd say something like that to your own son!" He choked on a sob and sped out the door, not wanting his father to see him cry.

Jardiniero sat in silence for a moment and heaved a sigh. "…I'm sorry, officers. I lost control of myself."

"Yes, that was rather awkward," Bertram stated as he folded his hands on the table.

"You're just going to let Seedos run off like that?" Leafos goggled at her father in disbelief.

"Let him go, I have no need for him anymore," Jardiniero shook his head. "He's too far gone; not the son I used to know and love."

Leafos felt a tug on her heart and chewed on her lower lip. Part of her wanted to go after Seedos, but she knew that he'd push her away…it would be better not to bother.

"Darn, we never got to ask Seedos what he was doing at the same crime scene as _you-know-who…"_ Reginald whispered to Bertram.

"Wait, what?" Jardiniero folded his arms.

"N-nothing, sir!" Reginald snapped back up to a rigid posture. "S-so, you'll pay the fine?"

Jardiniero rubbed his temples. "If I must… Leafos, fetch the stash…"

Leafos nodded and slipped off into one of the back rooms.

Bertram caught Reginald's eye.

Reginald nodded.

A round of milk of Arfur's was to be had that night.

_VPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVP_

Seedos dashed across Leena's garden and straight into the tatty curtains that hung in the mouth of Dastardos' tree. He didn't care if Leena saw him, he didn't care that running into Dastardos' tree uninvited was a death wish, he didn't even care about the tears that were flooding out the bottom of his mask. He just needed someone, anyone, to tell him things were OK. He had nightmares about confronting his father again, but he hadn't realized just how harsh he really was. He couldn't unclench his teeth and keep his entire body from shaking…

"Seedos?" Dastardos looked surprised and actually dropped Magnar, who frowned and shuffled off to a dark corner of the dead tree. "What the hell happened?"

Seedos said nothing. He practically tackled his brother and Dastardos felt the weight of Seedos' mask as he sobbed into his skinny shoulder.

"Hey…HEY!" Dastardos squirmed a bit in Seedos' grip. "You shouldn't come running in here so fast! Pester could have been in here…or someone could have seen you! No one saw you, did they?" Dastardos was much more concerned about his own well-being than the fact that Seedos was upset.

Dastardos sighed when the only answer he received was a series of sobs and hard sniffles. Seedos tightened his hold on Dastardos, who gave him a reluctant pat on the back. He wasn't really sure what to say, but he could wait to drill Seedos about his carelessness.

_This kid's insane…_ Dastardos thought as Seedos continued to sob and shake in his arms. _Why would he come to __**me**__ for comfort? Does he actually trust me that much?_

Seedos' unrelenting embrace gave Dastardos an answer to that question.


	24. Oops

Eddie was wandering aimlessly throughout the Village, dressed in his best business casual. Going for walks always helped him forget his worries, and he had been having a _lot_ of them lately. So much that he couldn't even help his father with the P-Factor, which was one of his favorite things to do! It was really, really hard to work when your brain was being battered with thoughts about Alejandro Mastroberardino. Your brain had to work extra hard in order to pronounce his surname.

Alejandro's presence was extra disturbing to Eddie. Eddie wouldn't admit it to the other guys, but he was a bigger fan of his work than he let on. He was always envious of Alejandro's acting abilities…as well as all of the beautiful girls he got to star in movies with! Not to mention that Alejandro always seemed so kind and intelligent during interviews…

Learning that Alejandro was really a womanizing jackass made Eddie feel like a six year old child who was just told that Santa doesn't exist…and also learning that Alejandro had more than a passing interest in Maxime just made things even _worse!_

Eddie was in the process of making a mental note to burn his entire collection of movies that Alejandro had starred in, when he saw Sparcticus exit Costolot's store, his thick arms loaded with grocery bags. He took off at a fast pace in the opposite direction as Eddie.

"Sparcticus! Hey!" Eddie called as he ran to catch up with the towering man. "I haven't seen you lately! Where have you been?" He looked around quickly and dropped his voice down low. "Have you heard anything else about _you-know-who?"_

"Oh, uh…" Sparcticus stopped in his tracks and shifted around a bit. "Sorry, Eddie…I've been…busy with Sahari. We're totally fine now!" Sparcticus smiled broadly, and his eyes crinkled. "I've been meaning to tell you something, though…"

"Oooh, what is it?" Eddie's purple eyes grew big and sparkly. He was really hoping that Sparcticus might have a juicy nugget of information about Alejandro!

"I'm sorry, but don't think I'm going to keep going with the 'army' thing," Sparcticus raised his bag covered arms to make air quotes. "I have no quarrel with Alejandro anymore!"

"What?" Eddie gasped, one of his gloved hands flying to his mouth. "Sparcticus, you _took an oath_! You were the most angry out of all of us…you _broke his arm_, for Pete's sake!"

"Yes…but I got Sahari back!" Sparcticus' eyes went misty and a tiny smile tugged at a corner of his mouth. "That's all I really wanted out of this! Speaking of, I really should get going…I'm making her dinner tonight as an apology, so…" He tried to walk away, but Eddie grabbed onto his shirt. That didn't do too much, though, and Eddie wound up being dragged down the Village road as Sparcticus pressed on.

"I thought we were _friends!"_ Eddie wailed, his lower lip quivering.

"We _are_ friends!" Sparcticus bumped Eddie away with a hip, nearly knocking the poor kid over. "But Sahari wouldn't appreciate it if I kept on trying to mess with Alejandro if I had no reason to…"

Eddie gave Sparcticus the most pathetic look he could muster. Sparcticus bit his lip and averted his eyes.

"…sorry, Eddie," he said before turning and heading off.

"Yeesh," Eddie bristled when he heard a girl's voice behind him. "Hasn't he ever heard the phrase 'bros before hoes?'"

Eddie whirled to face the voice and nearly jumped several feet in the air when he saw Maxime, a huge, dimpled smirk marring her lovely face.

"Y-y-y-you _heard?"_ Eddie's voice cracked and flew up an octave, causing Maxime to burst into giggles.

"Sure did! This explains a _whole lot!"_ Maxime rubbed her hands together and bared her teeth. "No wonder all of you guys have been acting so weird! You've been so jealous of Alejandro that you're conspiring against him!" She snickered condescendingly. "How _cute."_

"Maxime, please please _please_ don't tell anyone!" Eddie folded his hands under his chin, his tone pleading. "The other guys would skin me alive if they heard that I let our secret get out!"

"Please, _those_ wimps?" Maxime snorted. "The only one out of you with any balls is Sparcticus; he actually had the guts to whoop Alejandro's ass!" Maxime slammed a fist into her palm. Eddie flinched.

"Your secret is safe with me." Maxime mimed zipping her lips and tossing away the key. "I hate that Alejandro douchebag anyway. He might be fit and do his own stunts, but I can't _stand_ people like him!"

"Oh, Maxime!" Eddie took her hands. "I'm _so_ happy to hear that!"

"Let go of me, Lizard," Maxime gave him a firm glare and he let go of her hands as quickly as he would if they were on fire.

"I'm _so_ glad it was you who overheard and not Petula…" Eddie rubbed the back of his neck. "She would have run off and told _everyone_ without even bragging about overhearing me!"

"Nah," Maxime shook her head. "Something tells me she wouldn't have told anyone in exchange for sexual favors."

Eddie's face erupted into flames. _"Maxime!"_

"Don't you worry about me, though," Maxime gave him a light punch on the arm. "I'll keep my mouth shut, no sexual favors needed!" She chuckled and winked at Eddie before departing in a swirl of dark skirts.

Eddie watched her go until Gretchen told him to quit loitering outside her shop. Eddie resumed his random wanderings, hoping that he could trust Maxime to keep her word.


	25. The Heart of a Moron

Yoto was really goddamned exhausted.

He had stayed up all night reading books of poetry that he had swiped from his brother's room. He hated them for several reasons:

One, the love poems were all about such boring girls! The women most poems described were slender, blonde, sophisticated women. That was the exact opposite of Yoto's type! Two, he barely understood the words that the poets used. He skimmed through lots of poems, and the only words he fully understood were 'the' and 'breasts.' And three, he _hated_ how he wasn't smart or eloquent enough to put his own feelings onto paper! Yoto really wished he could express exactly how Storkos made him feel. He always hated writing, but he'd honestly do _anything_ to win Storkos' favor!

Yoto groaned as he crumpled up yet another failed attempt and tossed it at his overflowing garbage can. It hit the rim and fell to the floor. Yoto didn't bother to pick it up, instead opting to chew on the end of his pen.

Yoto threw his pen onto his desk after only a few chews and rose from his chair. He ran over to his bed and stuck his hand under his mattress. After groping about under there for a few moments, he finally found what he was looking for and pulled it out.

It was one of his prized possessions; a photo album completely dedicated to the girl of his dreams and all of her amazing heroic exploits. It was filled with newspaper clippings about her, photos of her he took off of various websites, and even more photos that he had gotten from bribing Seedos.

Yoto opened it to a random page and found himself looking at a picture of Storkos smiling over her shoulder, a Kittyfloss that she had rescued from a tree asleep in her arms.

"Ugh, no wonder I can't write poems about you…" Yoto found himself smiling back at the picture. "There aren't enough words in the English language to describe how great you are!" Yoto's eyes got really big when he realized what he said. He slumped over and made a face.

"Just as well, you'd never go for a creep like me, anyway," Yoto gently shut the album and placed it onto his bed. "I'm as dumb as you are smart!" Yoto's frown became more sorrowful. "That's really, really frigging dumb!"

Sure, Storkos had been nice to him on the rare occasions where Yoto was blessed with her presence, but Storkos had no idea what Yoto _really_ acted like! Yoto's favorite hobby was teasing and poking fun at everyone he knew. Storkos was the one exception, of course, but if she ever found out about that, Yoto knew he could kiss all chance with her goodbye!

"I was hoping poetry would let me discover some kind of…sensitive side or some shit like that!" Yoto stood up and took a look at his uncovered face in the mirror. He frowned and folded his arms. "Are good looks really all I have going for me?" Urgh, it was such a shame Storkos wouldn't see his face unless they got intimate…like that would even happen anytime soon, if ever!

"I need to come up with a way to impress Storkos that doesn't involve 'accidentally' knocking my mask off in front of her…" Yoto leaned onto his dresser and squinted at his reflection. "Desperate times call for desperate measures!" He fished in his pocket for his Alert System and pulled it out. He dove on his bed headfirst and landed on his stomach as he scrolled through his contacts.

Eddie was seated on a bench in the Village square, absent-mindedly watching people walk by. He was ripped away from his thoughts when his Alert System started blasting Lady Gaga. Quite a few people turned to stare at him and he blushed profusely as he dug through his bag. He couldn't believe he forgot to put it on vibrate before he went out…!

"Hello?" Eddie answered it without checking who was calling in his rush to silence his ringtone.

"Eddie! Hey!" Yoto was trying a bit too hard to sound friendly. "How are you doing? Being attractive and intelligent as usual, I suppose?"

Eddie's eyes narrowed and he tightened his grip on the Alert System. "…what do you want, Yoa?"

"I really, really, _really_ need your help!" Yoto pleaded. "Girls like you, right?"

"Um…yes, more than I would like sometimes…" Eddie cast a weary glance at Paper Pets. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I need to know why the hell that _is!"_ Yoto tore at his mop of red hair with his free hand. "I've been trying my damndest to come up with a way to impress Storkos, and I'm _desperate!"_

Eddie pursed his lips. "Let me tell you some things, Yoa. You're unkempt, you're tactless, you're dim, you have no regard for the feelings of others, and your fashion sense makes me want to cry. I think you're beyond all hope when it comes to impressing women, especially a girl like Storkos! She deserves better than you!"

"Oh yeah, like who?" Yoto rolled over onto his back, Eddie's insults barely affecting him. He's heard those dumb remarks from several different people; he managed to teach himself to tune them out. "Not _you,_ I hope!"

"No, of course not me! Someone intelligent and sensitive, like Doc Patch. You are the exact opposite of what she needs!" Eddie hissed into his Alert System, taking great care not to speak too loudly. You could never be too careful if you were talking on your Alert System in a town full of gossips. Rumors spread like wildfire!

"Yeah, well, you're a jerk-off!" Yoto made a rude noise into the receiver. "I can't believe I thought going to you for help was a good idea! What happened to our oath?"  
>"What do you want me to do, <em>lie <em>to you?" Eddie snorted. "This is for your own good. If you want Storkos to be happy, don't go after her."

"Ugh, what the shit do YOU know?" Yoto stabbed the Off button as hard as he could.

Eddie sighed as the line went silent. _It's for the greater good…_ he reassured himself. _Sworn brotherhood or not, I can't stand to see a lady in an awful relationship! I really hope no one ever gets stuck with that idiot…_

"What was I thinking, calling that dickmonger?" Yoto stuck out his tongue and scrolled to the top of his contacts. "I know someone who I like a hell of a lot more and she can give me _much_ better help!" He hit Send and put the Alert System against his ear.

"'Ello?" A firm British accent said on the other end of the line.

"Avvie!" Yoto's voice filled with warmth. "I need some advice. Can you help me, or are you busy?"

"Yew caught me at a rare time when I'm not busy, but I always 'ave time to 'elp you!" Avalon said. "Wot do you need?"

"I need Storkos!" Yoto shouted. He turned red and cleared his throat. "Er, I need to impress her. How can I get her to like me?"

"Yoto…" Yoto could practically hear Avalon shaking her head. "Yew can't force a girl to like yew, especially since yew and Storkos 'ave spoken on, wot, three separate occasions?"

"Four," Yoto tugged at his collar. "And a half. But I've been around gardens she was delivering to before, even if I didn't get to talk to her! And at Eddie's Halloween party we hung out together _all night!_ She hasn't seeked me out since then, though…do I smell or something?"

"Yes, yew do, but I'm sure that's not why yew two 'aven't spoken. She's very busy, yew know. Langston works 'er to the bone delivering to all those different gardens!" Avalon explained.

Yoto sighed heavily. "I know…but I don't want to give up! Is there _anything_ I can do to at least say hi to her, Avvie?"

Avalon went quiet as she mused for a few moments. "Tell yew wot, I can romance my 'Orstachios this afternoon and yew can come to my garden to practice your tinkering. Yew'll get some practice in so your uncle will get off your back and yew'll get to see Storkos! Sound good?"

Yoto bit his lip. As much as he _hated_ practicing, it gave him a excuse to go to Avalon's garden _and_ to see Storkos! Yoto loved Storkos a hell of a lot more than he hated practicing!

"All right, Avvie!" Yoto burst into a grin. "You have yourself a deal! Thank you so, so, so, SO much! You're the greatest!"

"Any time, Yoto," Avalon chuckled. "I'll call yew in a few hours when the 'Orstachios are ready."

"Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" Yoto gibbered gratefully before hanging up. He took a deep breath. He was pumped to see Storkos again, but it would require some serious mental preparation before he saw her again. He didn't want to choke on his tongue, after all!


	26. Alejandro's Rant

"I really cannot believe this past week," Alejandro paced around his wrecked bedroom as he spoke into his Alert System. He had just called up one of his best friends, who lived in the Big City. He really needed someone to talk to, someone who knew who he really was! Nobody in this village respected him, and how could they, after his humiliating defeat? "I move to this backwater village to get away from it all, but I've ended up with the biggest mistake of my life."

He paused as his friend spoke.

"No," Sighed Alejandro, looking down at his arm that rested in a sling. "I'm OK. I mean, my right arm's broken and I'm bruised as a banana, but nothing _too bad_. It was a giant who did it, OK? He was easily over six feet and he didn't let up. He fought dirty."

His friend spoke again, and Alejandro's expression darkened.

"No, I haven't gotten a girl yet. Every time I think I get one, something catastrophic happens. Like, the first day I got a date with Avalon Pendragonache-"

His friend cut Alejandro off and said a few excited sentences.

"-Yes, _that_ Avalon Pendragonache. The racer woman. Yeah, well, we went on a picnic, and an _entire pack_ of Sour Mallowolves attack me. THAT was a disaster, they even took my best pants! After that, I tried to go on a date with Gretchen Fetchem-"

His friend was very excited about this.

"I know!" Alejandro clenched his free fist, "Who would have expected that these two wonderful ladies lived in the same village! But no, my ass got handed to me before I could take Gretchen on a date."

His friend laughed.

"Shut up," Spat Alejandro, "And that grim reaper, Dastardos, lives only a few minutes away. He threatened me, man! I tried to take him on but… you just can't punch him out. I tried."

Alejandro's friend laughed at him for a very long time, and then asked a question.

"Yeah, there were other girls. Lots of other girls, actually! They were all single, but for some reason whenever I took them out, I would get harassed by a whole bunch of guys! I'm at my wit's end. They even came into my house and absolutely trashed it. Well, that reaper guy I just mentioned did."

Alejandro paused for a moment as his friend asked him something.

"What- no, _I didn't have a sick piñata_! He smashed everything in my house! My big screen TV, my banister, my fridge is in pieces, he removed two walls… I don't understand! What did I do to piss that idiot off!"

His friend spoke for a minute, but Alejandro cut him off.

"Uh, _no_, he wouldn't have a lady on the side, are you kidding me? That man reeks of virginity. No self-respecting woman would even give him a second look!"

His friend was silent.

"But my house is ruined; it was completely full of weeds when I got to it in the morning. Took eight Weedlings a day to take care of it. Shit, _that_ was expensive. And I have no idea how, but all my clothes have been changed. That nice orange button-up shirt with the spikey cuffs? It now says "I JUST WANT TO DRINK AND MAKE BAD CHOICES" in bright pink letters. No-wait-shut up!" He yelled into the speaker when his friend cackled. "This isn't funny! This is like half my wardrobe!"

His friend spoke and eventually calmed Alejandro down.

"I... Yes, I have to agree with you. Moving back home sounds so good right now."

His friend spoke again.

"No, I really don't think I could get any before I leave. Gretchen called me a Rashberry, Storkos won't return my calls, Avalon gave me a 5 minute long critique of both myself and my family… I'm not ready to talk to her for a looooong time. And I got completely ruined by Sahari's boyfriend… Wait a minute!" Alejandro grinned and looked out the window, towards the village, "There's another girl who I've completely forgotten…"


	27. Yoto's Muse

Yoto sprinted down the path to Avalon's garden, his unruly red hair whipping every which way. He grinned and waved his arm like a crazy person when he saw Avalon, who was letting a large red Horstachio eat a romance candy out of the palm of her hand.

Avalon waved back much less frantically with her free arm, a smile crossing her lips. She was glad that she was going to help Yoto out. He might be stupid, but she always had a soft spot for him. She had no personal quarrel with him and she sees a whole lot of potential and talent in the young tinker-in-training. He just needed a good ass-kicking in the right direction, and Avalon figured she might as well provide the boot!

"Hey, Avvie!" Yoto exclaimed once he finally reached her side. Avalon raised a brow. Yoto wasn't short of breath in the slightest! It baffled Avalon how someone so lazy could have so much energy… "You almost ready?" He bounced with anticipation. He was both extremely excited and extremely nervous to see Storkos again…he was hoping that the two would cancel each other out and he'd just look cool.

"Yew arrived just in time!" Avalon grinned as she gently pushed her Horstachio towards another one. "Give them a minute to dance. Storkos will be 'ere in no time!"

Yoto bit his fingers in glee.

"While yew're waiting, though…" Avalon grabbed a yam off the ground and tossed it over to Yoto, who managed to catch it flawlessly. "Try tinkering this!"

"Aww, I was hoping you'd forget about me practicing…" Yoto pouted and Avalon snickered.

"Not in a million years!" Avalon shook her head. "If you manage to turn that into crisps, yew can eat them. 'Opefully that will be a good motivator!"

"I wish," Yoto dropped the yam to the ground and knelt in front of it. "I haven't tinkered a single thing in my whole life! I don't want Storkos to see me looking like a moron…"

"Yew'll be fine…" Avalon patted Yoto on the head before turning her attention to her Horstachios, who were heading into their house.

"Okay…" Yoto took a deep breath as he glared at the yam in front of him. "You better change, you dumb yam. According to Uncle Bart, yams are super easy to change and any Tinker who can't transmogrify one is an idiot." Yoto gulped. "I already failed at changing a yam eight times before…I'm eight times more of an idiot than your average dumb Tinker!" He clenched his hands into fists, the sounds of the Horstachios pounding the dance floor in the house filling the garden. "Aaah, she'll be on her way soon…hopefully Storkos won't know how easy it is to tinker one of these…" Yoto licked his lips, cracked his knuckles, and began to wave his hands over the yam.

"All set!" Avalon grinned as the Horstachios exited their home and began to wait for their egg.

Mere moments later, a loud "Helloooo, Avalon!" rang through the garden air.

"AAAH!" Yoto shouted, a large burst of energy coming from his hands and knocking him onto his back. _Great, just perfect!_ Yoto groaned as he righted himself. _Now she'll think I'm a spaz and a moron and she'll never, ever-_

Yoto let out a loud gasp when he saw what was in front of him.

"That was fast, Storkos!" Avalon grinned at the superhero. "I'll 'ave to tip you for that!" She reached into her pocket and pulled out her wallet.

Storkos smiled and thanked Avalon as she put the egg down in front of its parents. She turned her head towards Yoto, who was still gaping at what was in front of him.

"Oh, hey, Yoto!" Storkos' smile became even more radiant and she tossed one of her dark pigtails over her shoulder. "Wow, I knew you were Bart's nephew, but I didn't know you were a tinker, too!"

"Wot?" Avalon looked up from her money and her jaw dropped when she saw what Yoto was holding.

Yoto had grabbed onto the bag of chips in front of him, his eyes huge and round. "Y-yes I am!" He jumped to his feet, an enormous, delighted grin on his face. "Well, I-I'm a tinker in training, anyway…" His smile turned bashful when he saw how impressed Storkos looked.

"That's a very useful skill! Impressive, too! You're lucky you can do that…" Storkos laughed. "I'd _kill_ to be able to make food that quickly! I'm on such a tight schedule with work…" She sighed and folded her arms.

"You can have these, if you want!" Yoto waved the bag of crisps around. Avalon shot Yoto a Look. She didn't think he could actually do it! Avalon wanted Yoto to take those to Bart as proof that he could actually tinker something! Yoto didn't care, though; he'd rather make Storkos happy, even if it was with something as insignificant as chips.

"Really?" Storkos grinned. "I've always had a weak spot for salty things…" she admitted. Yoto's brows flew into his hairline and Avalon slammed a palm into her forehead.

"You can have these for sure, then!" Yoto passed the bag to Storkos and his face flushed red when their hands touched for a brief moment.

"Thanks a lot!" Storkos tucked the bag into a deep pocket on her dress. "You're really sweet!"

"Aww, come on," Yoto flapped a hand at her. "…really?" He let a smile slip and touched a finger to his chin.

"Really," Storkos said and Yoto couldn't help giggling with delight. "It was really nice seeing you again! I'd love to stay and chat, but…" she pulled her Alert System out and showed the screen to Yoto. She had fifteen messages from Piñata Central. "…duty calls!"

"Aww…" Yoto pouted. "Will I see you again soon?"

"I hope so!" Storkos grinned at Yoto. "You seem like a super nice guy!" She gave Yoto an affectionate pat on the cheek and he positively glowed. "Smart, too! It takes some serious skill to Tinker, I know that much!"

"Oh, you don't know the half of it…" Yoto shuffled his feet.

"See you soon!" Storkos winked at Yoto. "You too, Avalon! I hope the baby is born as healthy and strong as the last one!"

"I do too," Avalon returned Storkos' infectious smile and handed her a wad of money. "Good luck with your other jobs!"

Storkos saluted before taking off and flying out of the garden.

Yoto let out an enormous sigh as he watched her go. He dropped down on the grass, his cheeks flaming and his heart beating frantically. "She _likes_ me, Avalon!" he finally exclaimed when Storkos was out of sight. "I don't know if she _liiiikes _me, but she was nice to me! And that's more than enough!" Yoto laid down on the grass, his chest heaving with giddy laughter.

"That poor girl…" Avalon shook her head as she looked off into the distance. "She thinks yew're smart. She's going to be disappointed…"

"Don't be such a downer, Avvie; I'll cross that bridge when I come to it!" Yoto sat up and folded his arms. "I've never _been_ so happy! I actually _tinkered_ something and got compliments from the girl of my dreams!" Yoto placed his hands on his cheeks, his expression full of utter delight.

"Bart is never going to believe that yew tinkered something…" Avalon clicked her tongue. "Why'd you get rid of the evidence?"

"Cut me some slack, Avvie! I'm in _love!"_ Yoto placed his hands over his heart melodramatically.

"Yoto, yew've only spoken to 'er-"

"Enough times to know that she's _flawless!"_ Yoto interrupted. "Come on, I'm high on life right now, don't bring me down!" He jumped to his sandaled feet and planted his hands on his hips. He fixed Avalon with an accusing squint.

Avalon shook her head yet again. "…fine, Yoto. I'm _incredibly_ 'appy for yew. I wonder wot caused yew to finally tinker something, though…" she scratched her head.

"I have a hunch…" Yoto gazed in the direction Storkos flew off in. "I may have finally found my muse!"


	28. Underpants

A short time after Yoto left, Avalon was busying herself by brushing the mane of a baby Horstachio, the older sibling of the one that was developing inside the egg that Storkos recently delivered. She had absolutely no idea that she was being watched.

Dastardos peeked out at Avalon from behind a tree, something tucked under one arm. His gaze swept over and around the garden as he chewed on his lower lip.

_Coast is clear, good…_

He floated out from behind the tree and headed towards Avalon.

Upon seeing him, the baby Horstachio flew into a panic, whinnying loudly and galloping off as quickly as its spindly little legs could carry it.

Avalon jumped to her feet and called after her Horstachio. "Oi, get back 'ere! Wot's got you so-" Avalon felt a bony finger tap her on the shoulder. "…spooked…" Avalon couldn't help backing up a few steps when she turned and saw Dastardos smirking at her, his hands behind his back.

"Wot are _yew_ doing 'ere?" Avalon squinted at the reaper and grabbed her shovel, which was laying on the ground by her feet. "I don't 'ave a single sick piñata…but I _do_ 'ave a shovel!" She poked Dastardos in the chest with it. "Keep that in mind if yew want to try anything funny!"

Dastardos swiftly floated backwards out of Avalon's range. "Hey, why so hostile? I'm just bringing you something I owe you!"

Avalon's squint let up, but only a bit. "And wot might that be?" She lowered the shovel.

"These disgusting things," Dastardos pulled a bright orange pair of boxer briefs that was patterned with blue triangles from behind his back. He was only holding the tiniest bit of fabric between two of his pale fingertips, wanting to touch as little as possible.

"I didn't think yew would remember!" Avalon lit up a bit, finally dropped her shovel, and snatched the underpants from Dastardos. "Do yew realize just 'ow much a pair of Alejandro's underwear would sell for online?"

"I don't think I_ want _to know…" Dastardos wrinkled his nose. "Who in their right mind would buy those things?"

"Yew would be surprised 'ow crazy some of 'is fans are, Dastardos…" Avalon folded the underwear and tucked them under her arm. "There's a big chance that this pair of underwear will be bought by our very own Fannie Franker!" Avalon snickered. "She'd spend 'er life's savings on these, I bet. Poor, pathetic girl. She 'as it bad for 'im, even after all 'e's done in this Village!"

"She should do everyone a favor and run off with that meathead," Dastardos snorted. "That would be two less irritating people in this town."

Avalon shook her head at Dastardos' rude comment. "Wot is your problem with Alejandro, anyway?"

"He rubs me the wrong way," Dastardos said a little too quickly. "Something about the guy makes me want to slam his face into the pavement repeatedly." He broke eye contact with Avalon and examined his nails.

"For some reason I really don't buy that," Avalon folded her arms.

"What other quarrel would I _have_ with the guy?" Dastardos slammed a palm into his forehead.

"Well, yew could be sweet on a gal and trying to 'ide it from every-" Avalon teased, but she stopped short when Dastardos gave her the coldest glare she had ever seen in her life.

"…yew know wot, never mind," Avalon shook her head.

"That's the right thing to say," Dastardos said through clenched teeth.

A long, cold silence followed. Avalon shifted around a bit and finally broke it after several moments.

"Well, no need for you to 'ang around, we're even now," Avalon shooed Dastardos with a gloved hand. "Besides, yew're scaring my piñatas."

"Well, that's what you get for prying!" Dastardos cackled, which caused a good portion of Avalon's piñatas to huddle together in a shuddering, scared heap.

Avalon gave him an intense glare and Dastardos wilted a bit.

"Okay, I'm leaving, geez!" Dastardos rolled his good eye before he turned to float out of the garden. "Thanks for not telling anyone about what me and those other guys did to Alejandro's place, by the way." He paused at the edge of Avalon's garden and looked over his shoulder at her. "I got found out anyway, but at least you weren't involved."

"Wow, Dastardos," Avalon chuckled and shifted her weight to another hip. "I never expected to hear a 'thank yew' from _yew,_ of all people!"

"I'm full of surprises," Dastardos gave Avalon a tiny smirk before he disappeared into the trees.


	29. Too Far

"I heard that Sahari and Sparcticus have been going at it like Bunnycombs lately," Maxime said with mischief in her voice. She took a deep swig from the chocolate milkshake in front of her, not even bothering to use the straw.

Leafos made a bit of a face at Maxime's table manners, but she didn't comment on it. What Maxime was telling her was too good to change the subject from! "And who exactly told you this?" Leafos leaned forward and placed her chin upon her hands.

"Who do you think?" Maxime wiped the enormous milkshake mustache off her upper lip with the back of her hand. "Sahari did! I talked to her about it earlier today." Much to Leafos' disgust, Maxime licked the chocolate residue right off of her hand. "She didn't spare any deets, either!"

Leafos and Maxime had run into each other outside of Arfur's and had wound up chatting. The next thing they knew, they were seated across from each other and swapping stories. Leafos had never realized how fun Maxime was to talk to, even if she was more than a bit crude sometimes. She had a great sense of humor, and to make things even better, she shared Leafos' love of gossip!

"'Deets…?'" Leafos repeated as she raised a brow.

"Details!" Maxime actually took a sip through her straw this time, much to Leafos' relief. "She gave me a complete play-by-play. It was _awesome._ You want me to recount it to ya?"

"T-that won't be necessary!" Leafos reddened and shook her head.

"Your loss," Maxime removed the straw from her drink and licked it. "You hear anything else lately?"

"Well," Leafos huffed. "My little brother got arrested…kind of."

"Really? No way, do tell!"

Leafos and Maxime talked vigorously all through their meal. Once they were done, Maxime gave Leafos a high-five that was way, _way_ too hard.

"Never knew you were so cool, Leafos!" Maxime grinned. "We should totally hang out again!"

"That would be nice," Leafos smiled in spite of the fact that her hand was throbbing inside of her glove from Maxime's high-speed high five. "I'll Alert you soon!"

"Gotcha!" Maxime winked at Leafos. "I'll take care of the bill, don't you worry."

"No, I insist, I'll take care of it…"

After a brief argument, the two wound up splitting the bill and went their separate ways after one final goodbye. Leafos smiled as she headed home through the Village. It was always nice to become friendly with new people!

Leafos looked up at the sky and thought for a moment. It was a lot later than she thought, judging by the position of the sun. She mentally kicked herself, since she had promised to meet Storkos back at the family's old house for an early dinner. She headed into a side street, which would be exactly three minutes faster than taking the main street. She laughed at herself; she really had been living near this village for too long!

Leafos was lost in thoughts of what exactly to prepare for dinner, when suddenly Alejandro stood in her way. Something about the way he was looking at her made her take a step back.

"Oh, hello, Alejandro," said Leafos, biting her lip.

"Leafos," said Alejandro, opening his arms as if for a hug. "I haven't seen you in ages!"

"Yeah, well," Leafos found herself cringing back, "I've been busy with friends!"

"… Is that so," said Alejandro. His eyebrows slowly came down to settle on the top of his eyes, and he straightened up. "I'm a little offended! I thought we were friends!"

"Well, we are," Leafos stepped backwards again, and Alejandro took a step forward to match her. "But you've been so busy with all the other girls so…"

"That was a mistake," said Alejandro, grabbing Leafos suddenly by the waist. Leafos sucked in a breath and scowled up into his mask.

"What do you think you're doing?" she demanded, trying to lean out of his grip.

"What I should have done when I first got here," Alejandro nearly purred as he ran his hand down the side of Leafos' mask. "I was so distracted by the other girls that I didn't realize the little treasure hiding in the back. Let me formally apologize to you."

Then Alejandro grabbed the side of his mask and lifted it up. Leafos caught a glimpse of his eerily perfect face. He smiled down at her, and his lips parted just before he leaned down and pressed them to hers.

Leafos thought it was nice for a total of one second, but when Alejandro didn't let up…

She tried to push him away, but he was too frightfully strong. She felt her back hit the wall of a building and-

Suddenly, he was gone.

A little groan came from the ground.

"You _bastard_!" Storkos yelled as she picked Alejandro up by the collar of his shirt. She shook him around a bit. "What the _hell_ do you think you were doing to _my sister_?"

Alejandro grunted, a dribble of blood tracing his chin. Storkos brought his uncovered face right up her hers and said:

"If I see you near her again, I will break that other arm and make sure you won't be able to become intimate with a girl, let alone intimate with yourself! _Do I make myself clear?"_

Alejandro bobbed his head up and down so fast that even more blood oozed out of his nose.

"_Run while you still have the chance_," Storkos pushed him away. He stumbled a little, bent down to grab his mask, and ran away without a look backwards.

"Leafos!" Storkos pulled her sister into one of her trademark tight hugs. "Are you OK? I waited for you but you took so long! I started to get worried that something happened, so I set off to look for you-"

"Thank you," Leafos said, hugging her sister back.

"… I came at just the right time, huh?" Storkos said.

"You're always good at saving the day," Leafos sighed.


	30. Alejandro's Had Enough

This was _it_, Alejandro absolutely _had it!_

After a sleepless night, he frantically packed everything that wasn't utterly destroyed into a bunch of open suitcases that were resting on top of the remains of his bed. He couldn't even _look_ at a girl without getting a whole lot of headache from the other Villagers! He hoped the people in this town would be laid back and happy that they had a celebrity like him interested in so many of the local women, but _noooo!_ He got beaten up by a Sarsgorilla of a man, he got his house utterly _wrecked_ by a creepy reaper and wimpy nerd, and he got his face planted into the pavement by a _woman!_

Speaking of women, no doubt all of the women in town _hated_ him now. If they didn't already, they would when they learned what he did. He had hoped Leafos would be more accepting of his advances and he would at least get a nice parting gift from her, but _noooo._

This town was _insane, _and he couldn't leave fast enough! Before he left, though, he felt a burning hot urge to let everyone know just how crazy they were…

_VPVPVPVPVPVPVP_

The Village square was bustling with the usual morning activity. People, mostly gardeners, rushed around as they always did, trying to finish their shopping as quickly as possible.

Dastardos, who had floated through the Village aimlessly on his way to see Professor Pester, had been stopped by Doc Patch as he drifted by his shop. Dastardos was staring at Patch with half-lidded eyes and his mouth in a thin line as Patch pelted him with eight thousand questions, all of them about his biology. Dastardos was irritated at Patch's prying and he was giving him one-word answers, but he figured being stuck here would be better than having to deal with Pester. Professor Pester no doubt had a _looooong _scolding lined up because Dastardos had been neglecting his reaping duties.

Yoto and Eddie were perched on a low stone wall that surrounded a small flower garden. Yoto was frantically bragging to Eddie about how Storkos had talked to him and said that he was "sweet" and "smart" despite Eddie going on and on about how Yoto "wasn't right for Storkos." Eddie cradled his head in his hands; feeling a migraine festering in his skull. Storkos was going to make a horrible mistake if she pursued a relationship with Yoto…

Bart was leaning against his shop, the brim of his hat pulled low to block out the sun. He never got too many customers until the afternoon, when all of the gardeners were done with their shopping and had realized that Lottie didn't sell any of the things Bart was able to make. Gretchen sashayed by on her way to who-knows-where and she actually favored Bart with a gleaming smile as she passed his shop. Bart suppressed a giddy laugh and tilted his hat up to smile back at her.

Seedos hummed a fast-paced tune as he walked down the Village path on his way to Bear A. Maracus' garden. Sure, the guy usually punched Seedos in the nose when he offered him free seeds, claiming that having flowers in his garden would be "faggy." Seedos figured Bear would come around and see the benefits of a few flowers _someday._

Everyone in the Village stopped dead in their tracks and all conversation died down when Alejandro climbed on top of a bench and called out: "EVERYONE, LISTEN TO ME!"

"What the hell do _you_ want?" Yoto was the only one who dared to break the silence. Eddie, embarrassed by his proximity to Yoto, covered his burning face with his clipboard. Alejandro carefully aimed a piercing blue glare at the tinker-in-training. Yoto was completely unaffected; he just crossed his freckly arms and raised an expectant brow.

"I just wanted all of you to know that I'm _leaving!"_ Alejandro announced as he planted his hands on his hips. "I've had enough of this Village and every single person in it! All of you should be _grateful_ to have someone like me grace your tiny little town, but no! You completely _rejected_ me and didn't let me do what I like! Not to mention two of you _vandalized my house!"_

Dastardos grinned right at Alejandro and Seedos briskly slipped into a nearby alley. Bart tilted his hat even lower and smirked quietly to himself.

"I'm going to tell _everyone I know_ about how crazy all of you are! No one worthwhile will ever come visit your town ever again!" Alejandro let out a mean-spirited laugh and the entire town stared at him.

"…okay, goodbye!" Yoto broke the silence yet again. He waved at Alejandro, whose face turned purple with rage underneath his mask.

"Oh, I'm certainly not going to miss any of you!" Alejandro clenched his fists and stomped out of town, pausing as he brushed by Gretchen. "Except for _you,_ beautiful.You'll be in my thoughts for _sure!"_ He gave her a lecherous wink before rushing off.

Gretchen shuddered audibly, her mask contorted with disgust. "That's it," she seethed. "I'm _done_ with younger men."

"Oh man, Eddie!" Yoto scooched far too close to the purple-haired boy and squeezed him into a hug. "We actually _did it! _He's really gone! He's never going to show his mask in town again!"

"Get off of me, Yoa!" Eddie exclaimed and quickly shoved Yoto away.

"What, you don't want to celebrate?" Yoto pouted.

"Certainly not with a hug!" Eddie gagged and brushed himself off. "Not from _you, _anyway! No, I have something much better in mind…" Once his clothes were reasonably unwrinkled, he beamed at Yoto. "Let us gather the troops!"


	31. The Final Meeting

"It would have gone faster if you had just let me kill him," Dastardos grumbled. Patch responded with a laugh and slapped Dastardos on the back…or tried to, anyway. Patch's hand just went right through Dastardos and smacked into the side of the table.

Dastardos turned to Patch and gave him a flat look as the doctor whimpered and shook his hand out.

The entire Man's Army (minus Sparcticus, who didn't give a Mousemallow's ass about Alejandro now that Sahari was safely back in his arms) was seated at their usual table in Arfur's. Eddie had treated all of them in celebration of Alejandro finally leaving town.

"I can't believe you boys actually did it!" Arfur exclaimed as he approached the table and set drinks down.

Bart narrowed his eyes at Arfur's use of the word 'boys' but he didn't comment.

"It wasn't just us!" Yoto grinned at the bartender. "Storkos absolutely kicked his ass last night, too! What a woman, huh?"

"So I've heard!" Arfur chuckled. "She's a good catch, isn't she?" He gave Yoto a playful jab with his elbow and Yoto suddenly took immense interest in his chocolate milkshake.

"She sure is…" Yoto let out a great big sigh.

"Now that Alejandro's not around, none of you will have competition anymore!" Arfur observed with the biggest grin his mask allowed (which wasn't too big at all).

"Must you meddle in our love lives?" Bart turned to face Arfur.

"Hey, I'm a bartender, I feel like I should know everything about everyone!" Arfur shrugged his broad shoulders. "I'm basically a therapist who _encourages_ people to drink!" He laughed a great big belly laugh as he walked back to the bar.

Bart shook his head and turned back to the table.

"Don't touch my sister, Yoto," Seedos glowered over his glass of juice menacingly, two fingers practically strangling his poor straw.

"It is none of your business who I touch and who I don't touch," Yoto made a point by flicking Eddie in the ear. Yoto wasn't afraid of Seedos in the slightest; the seed merchant was about as intimidating as a sleeping Galagoogoo.

"No arguing," Eddie raised his glass. "We should celebrate our final night of brotherhood! A toast to Alejandro being out of our lives for good!"

Everyone else let out a cheer and clanked their glasses together, apart from Dastardos, who didn't have any drink to speak of.

"A lot of good things came from this!" Patch beamed brightly. "We saved all of the girls, and this group helped me bury the hatchet with Dastardos!" Patch turned his smile onto Dastardos, who started laughing. Softly at first, but he quickly devolved into hysterics.

"What's gotten into you?" Bart made a face at the reaper and scooted his chair backwards. The other guys just goggled at Dastardos wordlessly, Patch especially, his visible blue eye exceedingly large.

"That truce was _temporary,_ blondie," Dastardos bared his misshapen teeth into a patronizing grin at Patch. "Come tomorrow, I'll be back to reaping your patients and taunting you, like always." Dastardos examined his rough nails nonchalantly. "Good thing too, I was starting to miss the old days. It'll be nice."

"N-n-_NICE!"_ Patch went right back to his usual stutter. His face reddened and a vein bulged in his neck.

"Uh oh…" Seedos murmured and looked at Patch like he was a ravenous Fizzlybear.

Dastardos just smiled calmly.

"I-I honestly thought you had _changed!"_ Patch slammed a palm into his heart. "B-b-but you were just _t-t-tricking_ me?"

Yoto leaned around Dastardos and cocked a brow at Patch. "Did you really expect anything else from _this guy?"_ Yoto poked Dastardos in the shoulder.

"I _c-can't!"_ Patch rose from his chair and hurled his cup of tea right at Dastardos before taking off from the bar, his loud sobs echoing throughout the inn.

The teacup flew through Dastardos and wound up hitting the side of Yoto's chair, where it promptly shattered and splashed all over poor Yoto's lap.

"I'm going to take my leave, too!" Dastardos struggled to be heard over Yoto's loud shrieks of pain. He floated up from his chair and tossed one end of his scarf over his shoulder. "I have no need for any of you anymore, and you have no need for me!"

"I can't _believe_ that you would-" Eddie looked quite offended, but Dastardos was gone before he could say anything else. Eddie huffed and massaged his throbbing temples. "Oh, good riddance, he was nothing but a headache and a half anyway…even if he did play a big part in getting the Alejandro job done."

Bart and Seedos shared a brief knowing glance.

"Let's not worry about Patch _or_ Dastardos!" Yoto squeaked, his crotch still considerably burned. "Can't we just bask in the glory of a job well done?" He grinned a hopeful pained grin at the other guys.

"I'll drink to that, boy," Bart downed the rest of his drink. He needed it after Patch's little scene. It was just pathetic to see a grown man acting like that!

"I have an even better celebration idea," Eddie steepled his thin fingers and smiled. "I have a collection of Alejandro Mastroberardino movies at home and-"

"Eew," Seedos wrinkled his nose.

"I'm not watching a single second of one of those things!" Yoto gagged.

"No, I was about to say that we should _burn them!"_ Eddie squinted. "Let me finish next time!"

"Smashing idea, Eddie," Bart smiled. "That'll certainly help take my mind off of things!"

"Then it's settled!" Eddie rose to his feet and tapped his chin in thought. "I wonder if Avalon will let us borrow her Dragonache…"


	32. Epilogue

Everything in the Village settled back into normality shortly after Alejandro's departure. The Man's Army went their separate ways and returned to their normal lives, but they couldn't help feeling quite a bit closer to one another. Seedos felt much better about himself now that he could carry on a conversation with someone without them reaching for their shovel, even if the only someones who would put up with him were Patch, Bart, and Eddie. Oh well, it was better than nothing!

Eddie had a grand old time burning his old DVD collection with the aid of Avalon's enormous dragon piñata. Sure, he might have accidentally caught Bart's hat on fire, but it was still an enjoyable evening. Eddie would do very well to never see Alejandro's mask again…even though he did see it on the cover of a magazine on a newsstand in Costolot's store a week later. Eddie managed not to screech _too_ loudly.

Yoto never managed to tinker anything in front of his uncle after the incident with the yam in Avalon's garden. He supposed he could only tinker things when Storkos was around…that made things a hell of a lot more difficult. Storkos took over most of his thoughts, her compliments still ringing in his head. He was trying his damn best to work up the courage to tell her how he felt. It would probably take a while, but the payoff would be worth it! If only Yoto could figure out how to stop his tongue from turning to sandpaper if he even _thought_ about saying "I like you, Storkos!"

After enduring a long, grueling rant from Professor Pester, Dastardos went right back to reaping. Much to Dastardos' annoyance, Doc Patch got all pouty and hurt-looking whenever they crossed paths, even after two weeks had passed. Patch quit acting like some kind of jilted girlfriend when he caught Dastardos in a bad mood one day and nearly got his spine snapped in two. Dastardos' mood lifted quite a bit after he caused Patch bodily harm, just like always.

Bart had to constantly endure Yoto swooning over Storkos; so much so that his stomach soured if someone mentioned her name. Bart thought it was unhealthy for Yoto to be so hung up on such a busy woman who was out of his league. That was a bit of a hypocritical thought, though, since Bart was still trying to work up the courage to ask Gretchen on another date. They were certainly on good terms, though, often stopping to chat whenever they passed by one another in town. Progress was progress, even if it was only a little!

Sahari got a bit worried about Sparcticus' doting on her, so she gave him some space for a while. Naturally, Sparcticus thought he was doing something wrong again, so he spent some time at Eddie's house spilling all of his worries to his friend and eating all of his ice cream. Eddie seriously considered seeking poor Sparcticus some mental help to curb his relationship worries. Too bad there was a serious shortage of therapists on the Island…

Alejandro did many an interview about his "traumatic time" in the Village, each one more extraordinary and mean-spirited than the last. Yoto read each one of them out loud to whoever would listen in the stupidest voice possible. A couple months later, it was all over the news that Alejandro had been severely mauled by a Sour Profitamole that had just wandered onto a stage that Alejandro was performing on and bit a great big chunk out of his foot before going to town on the rest of him.

Dastardos smiled to himself when Pester read him that article.

He'd have to reward that Profitamole later.

_THE END_


End file.
